It was while watching my daughter eat a sno-cone on a summer trip to the beach that I experienced a life-changing epiphany.
Truth be told, it was our second trip to The Sno-Cone Shack in three days. (Believe me, these were not your average sno-cones.) On this particular visit, Avery got a scoop of wedding cake and a scoop of cherry. I don’t think I will ever forget how delicious that unlikely combination of flavors tasted when my daughter gave me the very last bite.
Because I didn’t hurry her.
Because I said, “Take your time, baby. We don't have to rush.”
Because that big ol' ticking clock that I wore around my neck during my impatient Hurry Up Years had been left behind. Without the squeeze of that ticking clock around my throat, I could breathe; my child could breathe. I was all there with my daughter on that unforgettable day.
I ended up writing about the sno-cone experience and provided a painful glimpse of what life was like when I pushed and prodded that same little girl through her day. I had no idea millions of people would eventually read those painful truths—but even if I had known, I still would’ve written it—for the people walking around with the heavy clocks around their necks.
I had the chance to edit the story before The Huffington Post published it. I remember looking at the live preview thinking I should probably add something like: “While it is important to have unhurried moments in life, it is equally important to instill a sense of responsibility and promptness in our children.” After all, I was a teacher for ten years. I know full well the importance of promptness and dependability.
But I didn’t change one word of that story. Not one. I knew I would take some heat, but I was okay with that. I was writing to The Clock Wearers of the World—the ones functioning at one speed and one speed only … the ones “hurry upping” their loved ones through life even when it wasn’t necessary … the ones who’d lost sight of what really mattered by living in constant state of urgency. I knew breathing was becoming labored for those wearing the ticking clocks heavy on their chests. I knew because that is how I lived for so long.
In the days following my story’s publication on The Huffington Post, something quite amazing happened. The story was read and “liked” on Facebook 1.6 million times. Suddenly, I found my inbox filled with messages from The Clock Wearers of the World.
They wrote me to tell me how reading my story helped them see something they couldn’t see before. And on the very day they read the post, they saw the value and the necessity in slowing down as it pertained to their own life. But here’s the best part—they told me they took off their debilitating clocks for their stop-and-smell-the-roses child … for their laid-back spouse … for their elderly parent who moved at a snail’s pace … for their very own Noticer deep down inside that was continually trampled in their frantic wake. And they vowed to keep taking off the clock more and more.
Those messages filled me with such hope.
But then there were the other messages I received. They were from Clock Wearers too, but their stories were heartbreaking. With nodding heads and tear-stained shirts, they whole-heartedly agreed with my notion of slowing down. But they had learned the hard way—their second chance was nonexistent. The ones they loved so dearly were gone.
I promised the people that wrote those messages that somehow, someway, I would use their stories of regret to help others. And honestly, I couldn’t forget their stories if I tried. In fact, I find myself referring to one of those painful messages every single day. I find they give me the fuel I need to spend at least some portion of each day grasping what really matters in life.
I may be a Reformed Rusher whose got several years of Hands Free living under her belt, but I will never be “cured.” The pressure to hurry through life and check another task off the list is great, as it is constant.
As long as I am living in a world where shiny screens with endless streams of information are merely a click away …
As long as our family has places we need to go and obligations we need to fulfill …
As long as there are bills to pay and deadlines to meet …
As long as there are daily responsibilities that cannot be left undone, I will always be striving to free myself from the suffocating clock around my neck.
And there is one particular story that helps me do it every single time. Joann has given me permission to share it with you. Joann wrote:
Twenty-four years ago, I was a mother of two beautiful daughters, Jordan (7) and Jillian (6), and pregnant with my son Kellen, when I suddenly found myself single because their father wanted me to choose between him and the baby I was carrying. After my son was born, and for the years that followed, I was always “busy” with work, school activities, etc. On top of that, I was a tad obsessive compulsive about cleaning which always seemed to be my main priority—making sure the house was clean, the kids were clean, etc. I was always rushing and/or yelling at my kids.
Fast-forward nine years to March 23, 1997. I was up early, rushing around as usual, cleaning and doing laundry, getting ready to go to the mall, when my daughter Jillian came out of her bedroom and said, “Mom, you should go look at Jordan sleeping, she looks like an angel.”
Of course, I was too busy to do that.
I told Jill to wake up her sister to see if she wanted to go to the mall with us. She didn't want to, instead, she wanted me to drop her off at her friends house. I remember how irritated I was because dropping her off was going to take me out of my way, and I had a schedule I wanted to stick to.
I rushed the girls to get dressed, rushed them to the car and grumbled at Jordan the entire way over to her friends. When we arrived, I handed her a twenty-dollar bill and told her I loved her.
She said, “Love you too, Mom.”
Those were the last words we ever said to each other. Later that day she and one of her friends were killed when the car in which they were back seat passengers crashed into a tree at a high rate of speed.
I'm am so very sad to say that it took the death of my child for me to realize what was truly important in life. While I am not the most religious person in the world, I truly believe that people come into your life for a reason. When Jordan was little she once told her uncle she came down to earth on a star—that God had sent her to me. When her uncle asked her why God had sent her, she said, “Because she needs me.”
Looking back at those words, I now believe that she was sent to me, even for that short sixteen years, to teach me how you live life is important.
It’s been many months since I read Joann’s story, but I find myself drawing strength and patience from it every day. Gratefully, I find myself taking off the ticking clock.
I take off the clock to sit on floor of my daughter’s bedroom as she holds up every single shirt she owns, contemplating which one to wear to school the next day.
I take off the clock to say yes when she asks me to come listen to the chords she learned on her guitar–despite the excruciating long pauses between each note.
I take off the clock to stand aside while she makes her own sandwich—even though it will take three times as long and make twice the mess.
I take off the clock when she shows me how she can do her own hair for school—a style that takes no less than seven minutes and resembles a bird’s nest in the back when complete.
I am not going to lie—these offerings of my time, presence, and patience often require deep breaths from me, a Reformed Rusher. But with every triumph over my former rushing ways, I heal a little more.
I once worried about the scars of a hurried life on my child, but now I know the scars of a hurried life may be deepest on me. Yet, there is something incredibly healing about letting go of the need to control everything—including time and schedule—and feel at peace knowing I am exactly where I need to be.
It is healing to feel the carpet imprints on my legs as I sit and watching her small fingers navigate the strings of the guitar.
It is healing to watch her confidence soar when she walks out of the bathroom having styled her own hair.
It is healing to hear her sigh contently as I gently rub her back when she can’t sleep.
It is healing because in those moments, time as I know it falls away. In those moments of surrender, there is nowhere else I truly need to be. There is no ticking clock weighing heavy on my soul.
I know every minute of life cannot be lived like this.
I know.
There are situations when we need to pick up the pace.
There are appointments, tardy bells, deadlines, and common courtesies.
There is balance needed to live intentionally, but also responsibly.
I know.
But in my life right now, there is something more pressing at hand.
There must be time to wave the elderly gentleman across the parking lot.
There must be time to ask the cashier how her day is going.
There must be time to kiss the man I love before we go our separate ways.
There must be time to watch my children sleep.
There must be time to marvel at everyday miracles that cross our path.
Because when I find myself thinking there isn’t time to wait as worn out shoes shuffle across an intersection, to look into the eyes of sadness and offer a smile, or kiss the lips of the ones who saved me from my distractions, I might as well strap that ticking clock back around my neck and struggle for my next breath.
But I refuse to live my life by the sound of a ticking of a clock.
Because I’ve been educated by some very precious souls. And they’ve informed me that the sound of my own steady breath and the heartbeats of the people I love are the most precious sounds to live by.
Such sacred sounds of life can only be heard when we choose to take pause – even as the rest of the world goes whizzing by.
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Recommended resource: Creating space to breathe, thrive, grow, and connect with my family and my own heart required simplification in all areas of my life. I felt my way through the darkness at times and would have appreciated guidance from those who had gone before me. Perhaps that is why I am so excited to be one of 9 simplicity authors participating in “A Simple Year: 12 Months of Guided Simplicity.” For the first time in 4 years, “A Simple Year” is open for registration mid-year for 12 days. You can join anytime between June 9th and 21st, 2016. You’ll have immediate access to the first 6 months of content, the private Facebook group, live and recorded webinars and everything you need to get started. And, so you don’t worry about falling behind, you'll be provided with a PDF at the end of the year with all of the content and links to any webinars, videos, and audio recording. The material will be there for you as long as you need it.
Here are a few things I’ve heard from people participating in A Simple Year …
“Loving this experience! I’m finding that I’m using these principles in all areas of my life.”
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* Final note: The story you read today can be found in my latest book, HANDS FREE LIFE: 9 Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, & Loving More. It is a book about living life, not managing, stressing, screaming, or barely getting through life. It is helpful to anyone yearning to respond to their loved ones and themselves with more patience, more presence, and more grace. Thank you for being part of The Hands Free Revolution community.
You are a gift. The words you write I feel. I have to change the load of laundry but want to hear my child play her viola. Why? Because she loves to play and share her accomplishments. Why? Because I know I need the break. So I lay back on her bed and watch, and listen, and enjoy the moment God has blessed me with. I take too little time for myself to slow down and NEED these moments! The story you shared of the daughter lost at a young age. The loss, the message she shared when she was young–amazing! Your work never fails to amaze me. God Bless you and thank you for your strength in sharing, so other’s eyes may be opened and learn from your words.
Oh Kristin, thank you for sharing your viola story. I played the violin when I was a little girl, and I loved when people listen to me. I know that tug you described–to go get something done rather than listen to your daughter play. But I have learned that taking those few minutes to soak up the gift in front of me is far better than checking a task off the list. A part of my frenzied soul is at peace in those moments. I am so grateful to share this journey with you.
Thank you so much for that reminder again, I really hope you never get tired of writing your journey because without realizing, we are all following you. You are that reminder that I can be better, that parenting can be better, that motherhood can be better. Im so gratefull for your words, they give me the strength to keep trying, to enjoy my daughter. The other day a couple of motorcycles were passing by our house, of course making lots of noise. My daughter curious wanted to see was was going on outside, so we sat by the window and saw “everything”, the motorcycles, the school bus, the blue sky, the sun, the trees. So now every once in a while my daughter runs to the window and calls me saying ” mommy the sky is blue”, her way to say “come and sit by the window with me, let’s see how beautiful is the sky”. At this point I stop whatever Im doing and just sit by the window with her, contemplating life, I wouldn’t change those minutes for anything in the world.
Thank you for remind us what really matters.
Venestina
Thank you for the encouragement to keep writing and sharing, Venestina. Today, I needed those words. They have lifted me up today. I love your window story. It helps me remember how little it takes to make a forever memory with our children.
Rachel, I value your posts more than you know. I’ve been reading for about a year now, but I’ve never commented. You see, I’m a clock wearing perfectionist, negative person, academic thinker, and all around pessimist. I’ve sat quietly back, letting myself believe that these things didn’t apply quite yet, to my then 3 month old daughter, utmostly desired and fought hard for through adoption. But as she has grown and I’ve read post after post, I’ve realized that these truths need to sink further and further into my heart…and fast. It takes time to let this 14 month old fireball help me carry dad’s clean socks to the sock bin…one by one. It takes time and a lot of clean up to let her dig into her messy spaghetti dinner instead of feeding it to her. It takes time to set her down in the garage and let her walk into the house instead of carrying her. But as I realize as each day passes that she may be my only blessing in tiny human form, I may not get a second chance at these young months either… Thank you for being faithful in sharing your story so that I may be reminded to cherish my time with my gorgeous, spunky daughter.
May I add: “please unplug!” My heart aches when I see the mom pushing the stroller with her ear buds in or -a true horror story- the toddler in a stroller with an iPad in his lap, typing away. These are the opportunities to talk with your child, encourage her to notice and observe. My eldest, now a man at 22, will still point out “signs of spring”! It’s common to hear one of my four commenting on a birdsong. That’s life!
I am in total agreement with you, Lorac! Let’s all take time to ‘notice’ the world around us, and put our phones, laptops, iPads, etc. down! The beauty of this world is more important than anything we can pull up on a screen.
You are amazing!!! You can write the way I have felt for years!! I quit a great career to stay home with my kids 6 years ago. My life has changed completely-all for the better!! I have the privilege to take and pick up my kids from school everyday and the ability to be “home” and available most of the time. Is it the most glamorous life? No but I feel so blessed to have that time. That time to listen to silly stories about each of their days(sometimes more than once) ,time to cook homemade meals and snacks. The list goes on and on. I still, like you, have a hard time sometimes taking off the clock and sometimes I drive everyone crazy when I slip back into that mode. I love love love that you can put how I feel into words. Keep writing and inspiring me to be a better person and a better mom.
I am one who shared your story after reading it. It is so very easy to get caught up in the many daily doings of life, especially as a single parent. I’d love nothing more than to be home with my 2-year old son everyday, but that won’t put food on our table or keep the roof over our heads. So I must work, and he spends more time with the sitter than with me. But I try to make sure that when I do have him with me, we are making memories and enjoying each other. We have cuddle-time before bed every night (other than when I get home too late from work) where we read and watch a cartoon, even if its a little late. I let him help me with chores in whatever way he can handle when he offers to help. I have tried to erase the words “hurry up” since reading your story. I still find myself using versions of this now and then, especially weekday morning where we are running late. And I take a breath, and tell myself that maybe there is a reason we’re late. Perhaps its helping us to avoid an accident or traffic. Rushing will most likely not gain all that much time anyway. Thank you for sharing your stories and others, for helping me to slow down a little and enjoying the greatest gift of my life even more!
You’re posts are real eye openers . They help and inspire me every day!
Thank you for sharing your inner thoughts .
Hi Rachel,
Thanks for sharing. I was just hit with the mama guilt last night – I spent the day canning pickles (in between a birthday party, showering, cleaning, etc.). I learned to can this year because I want my daughter (18 months) and stepkids (13 and 15) to grow up knowing the taste of real food and I want to keep them as chemical free as I can. Yet I am realizing that despite my good intentions I must find a balance between my sustainable living goals and living my days with my kids. Between canning, working, cooking, cleaning, running errands, etc. these past few weeks, I found myself trying to keep my little girl distracted and entertained so that mama could “just finish this up.” But the weeks have gone by and there always seems to be one more project. I had a moment last night when I looked into our living room and saw my little peanut sitting all alone in the big room watching a show on tv. She looked so little in that big room. That’s when the guilt hit and I realized I need to back off. I need to call an end to canning season so that I can re-connect with my sweet baby girl. She needs her mama and I need her too….
Thank you for sharing this, Joyce. What a powerful realization that you experienced. I, too, have felt these overwhelming waves of guilt, but I use them to gauge when I am losing sight of what truly matters. I have heard people say they don’t need anymore guilt, but yet, I don’t look at these feelings as negatives. I look at them as signs that our body and mind are trying to tell us when enough is enough–to get back to connecting to the people that mean the most.
Maybe it won’t be too long until you daughter can help you with the canning and it can become a time of connection. I helped my mom and aunt with canning when I was young. My sister and I still talk about those memories. I began baking with my daughters at an early age. Now, my 10 year old and I continue to bake/cook together. And now, her stuff turns out better than mine. Ha. I wasn’t planning on that!
THanks for sharing your story. It meant a lot to me today.
Yesterday something happened that made me think of you.
You see, just this year I learned how to REALLY hug someone. How to be all THERE in the moment. How to hold someone (anyone) as if hugging that person could save a life.
Like clapping hands can save a fairy.
So, I hug all my friends. And I hug people I just met with the same intensity.
Call me crazy.
Then, yesterday I was taking a weekend-long course and at the end, we all hugged each other. Really hugged.
A lady I hugged almost melted during our hug and whispered in my ear “ahh, it’s so nice to just feel our heartbeats…”
At that instant I thought of your ritual with your children. Just listening to their heartbeats.
There.
That moment just made everything worth it.
And also, yesterday, as I was hugging my teacher (exactly the person who taught me how to hug), there was this moment when she (who has her own hands free stories of struggles and successes) completely relaxed and sighed. She actually sighed.
I tell you… Those two hugs made all the exhaustion of spending a weekend inside a classroom worth every second.
Two hugs.
How easy is it to change a life?
so beautiful. thank you!!
I have only recently begun to read your blog. Your words resonate with me so because I see myself as a mother so many years ago, hurrying from one responsibility to another, taking some time to spend with each child every day, but somehow always being on the treadmill of getting things done.
Now, as a grandmother of two young children (4 and 1-1/2) I watch my daughter doing much the same as I did. Rushing, always rushing, even with the activities meant to be fun as a family. I will be moving in a week; into an apartment in the new home my daughter and her family recently purchased. I will be a short stairway away. I am so very grateful for this opportunity to be there to listen to my grandchildren, to encourage them, to be available to slow down with them as I seldom did with my own young ones.
Thank you for sharing your journey with others. You write the invaluable lessons we all need to learn and to practice as mothers, as grandmothers, as families. Time on earth is short. We need to let it matter.
Rachel,
Great point about letting the rising feeling of guilt be a guide, rather than a negative. I recently read a great book about anger that taught me to use the anger like a flag to show me something wasn’t right so that I can take the appropriate action, but not to use the anger to ‘fix’ the problem. Any ‘negative’ emotions we feel can just wake us up to making those adjustments we need. So…anger/guilt, etc = wake-up call only. Use other tools like taking off the clock, discipline, or whatever is appropriate to actually solve the problem. That was a very helpful revelation to me.
You are right, it is so very important to slow down and just “be” with our children. They need us and our time. To be there to watch and listen. To care enough to spend a moment choosing them. Moments fly by too fast, and then there are fewer to enjoy with those we love most. And then there is one other very important reason to make more time for them – they need us to make sure that they will be ok.
Just like the story you shared with us about the grieving mom who wishes she could step back in time and redo her last moments with her daughter, so many others wish that they could step back in time to save their child. You see, this busyness in our culture today has led to not only missing the important moments hearing and seeing our children, it has, sadly, led to too many rushing so much in their agenda-filled lives that they even FORGET their child is with them. Moms and dads too busy thinking of work or talking on the cell while driving their children to someone else, and they drive right past that daycare and continue on to work, leaving the baby in the car, not even realizing until hours later, hours too late, that they forgot the most precious thing in their life, for something not precious at all. Or a mom decides to run into the cafe to grab her and her child’s lunch. It would be so much faster to just run in “for just a minute” without the child. Sadly, that minute turns into the most horrific moment of her life, one that she will forever wish she could undo; the moment when her child was killed as someone drove off in her car. Or the times, too many, when someone decides to just run in “for a minute” to the store, leaving the child in the car, but somehow becomes so distracted that that minute has turned into more. By the time she reaches her car, lights are flashing and an ambulance is rushing her child to the hospital. So many moments that could have turned out so much differently if someone had SLOWED DOWN and cared more for the child than the thing that “needed” to get done. There are so many things that need to get done, but none of them are more important than caring for and taking care of our children. I’m so sad right now. How did we get here? Put that phone down while your driving and talk to your child, sing with your child. Instead of thinking how much faster things could get done without the child tagging along, think about the fun you could have together laughing and giggling while completing those boring errands.
Our children are worth our time, so much of our time. More than they are given. Thank you, again, for the oh so important reminders to take a moment and breathe, and pay attention to the treasures in our lives, our children.
Thank you, Cheryll. I remember the first time I went to your website. It was painful and heart-breaking, but I read the names and cried for each one. Too often, I need to be reminded of the preciousness of life. But I take those reminders and I keep trying to do better. Today, I visited your site again. I am reminded of the preciousness of life. I will hug my children and my husband and not be the first to let go. I thank you for the critical life-changing work you do. THank you, friend.
Thank you, Rachel, that means so much to me. I read your words of wisdom and they help me to remember, and then I, too, try to “take those reminders and…keep trying to do better.” That’s all we can do, isn’t it? Keep trying to do better. Because I know that I”ll never be perfect. But I can keep trying to do better. Thank you for continuing to help me on that journey.
Rachel – I have neen reading your blog for about 6 months. In that time, we decided to have our son repeat 5th grade for academic reasons, so we put our house up for sale and moved in August. As you can imagine, there was a lot of stress and chaos this summer. But, I kept reading your blog and kept your words in mind. 5 days after the move, my son came home from camp at 3pm and said “want to play a game mom?” Amidst all the boxes left to unpack, the puppy to train on the invisible fence, the older dog recovering from emergency surgery 2 days after the move and the very large and cumbersome knee brace I was wearing prior to knee surgery, we sat down on our new patio on a beautiful August afternoon and played scrabble for an hour! It was a very profound and proud moment for me to LIVE IN THE MOMENT and realize that at some point in the near future, this beautiful 11 year old boy is not going to ask me to play a game with him! I had knee surgery 4 weeks ago and have been on medical leave from work and I dread going back to the grind. I have 4 more weeks of recovery and rehab and I have enjoyed slowing down and taking time to enjoy these days! Keep writing because you are making a difference!!!
Wow, so often feel like you right to me directly. Thank you!!! Well done.
I post this to my FB Wall for any young friends an all grandma’s to read. We all can learn something via this precious tool.
This is the second blog I’ve read and I must comment. When we were starting our family I told my husband I’d happily make any sacrifices necessary to be a stay home mom. He agreed. I made plenty of them. Forty years later I don’t regret one bit that decision. My daughter and I (she was two) used to wait for daddy in the front and gather dirt, leaves etc and make witches brew; sometimes we lay on the grass cloud watching, oh! The time we had thunder and rain and watched out the window imagining the loud noise was “God moving his furniture around” and laughing! All those memories and so very many more are flooding back. Eventually my husband and I divorced- but I made do and refused to go to work for two years to keep my girls lives “normal”. I’m retired now. Living on half of what I would have had if I’d spent those years working and I don’t regret a day. Now my grandson and I run outside the second we hear the trash truck, we do many of the things I did with his mom and aunt. It’s all a blessing- bigger than a mansion, more delicious than hot chocolate chip cookies! I’m so happy so many others are discovering the deep joy of cherishing each moment. Thank you and bless you.
Another amazing, tear-invoking post.
Inspired in large part by you, I chucked my entire to-do list yesterday to take my child to see a four-story rubber ducky that is visiting our city (Pittsburgh, PA).
I invited my parents along, with the explanation that I wanted to get down there early. It was in a part of our city my daughter has never seen, and I wanted her to have time to explore and notice and experience whatever she wanted to.
We arrived in town at noon. My daughter carrying my smaller camera, she stopped at took pictures of everything – a crane on top of a newly constructed building, a group of gift bags with colorful tissue, her own reflection in the mirrored exterior of the Pittsburgh Plate Glass building.
We ate lunch on the restaurant patio. We strolled to the duck. She took a picture of the “awesome” pylon that secured the floating duck to the point.
We walked to the large fountain at the Point, where the two rivers meet. I remember walking on it’s edge as a child. On this day, it was filled with kids. As my little girl looked at the water wistfully, I smiled and told her “Get in”.
She joyfully splashed and swam. She wanted to get up to the higher level, but was too short. So I rolled up my pants and climbed in to lift her up.
When we had our fill, we got out and walked along the river. On our way out of the park, we stopped at the Ft. Pitt museum for a taste of local history, which my girl soaked up like a sponge.
We stopped for ice cream from the ice cream man. We strolled back to our car.
We stayed off clock and off list for the rest of the day. She took a bath, we ate Cheerios for dinner, rented a movie and cuddled on the couch.
I could see how much my little girl needed yesterday. Needed me to be there, really BE there, not be there in body, but on the next task in mind, as I have been so much lately.
But surprised me more, although it shouldn’t have, was how much I needed it! How much my soul needed to slow down and make room for fun.
We made great memories yesterday!
Beautiful, I was moved to tears. Thanks for sharing both stories you received in your blog as well. I can’t imagine the sadness of not taking the ticking clock off only to have my child die before I could give them more of myself and my time. I must tell the universe, you and hopefully Joann that I am so grateful that she shared her experience. We all needed her little angel. It will guide my decisions moving forward. I too have a very picky, indecisive dresser in the morning and his outfit has to be just right. It is painstaking at times and I need to take a deep breath and see that this is important to him and he needs my patience in order to start the day off right. I am so grateful for you, you are in my thoughts throughout the days.
Wonderful post, as always.
I love every word you right and every post brings me to tears as I commit the words to my memory. Your words talk to me in my hurried days and I remember to slow down for my precious kids.
Every morning I take a friends little girl to school and she walks so very slow, and I remember your post about your daughter…and I happily walk at this little girl’s pace and let her take her time.
There are so many instances throughout the day that I am learning to let go, and just be.
We had the privilege of enjoying a sunny weekend at the beach with my girls and my parents. I just watched them play and play and run and enjoy life. Then I got to watch my parents play with my kids in the pool. We all slowed down and enjoyed creating memories. They are better memories because I have your words of wisdom to live by!
Thank you again Rachel!
I’ve never in my life read anything that touches me like your writing does. Every new post I read has a profound effect on me…I feel like you were sent to change my life! Thanks so much. This weekend I’m going to take my middle child (my noticer) out somewhere for a couple of hours of one on one time…well overdue. Thank you.
You had me with every word of this. My daughter would have been six this week and it took her death do me to slow down and appreciate life. I’m not perfect at it and I still feel that clock more than I would like but when I get it right I feel her smiling.
Beautiful post. My insides often tell me to “slow down, slow down, just be.” The ticking clock is something from which I am recovering. Check out my story at about stumbling into balance at http://www.rudeysroom.com. Thank you for your incredible words.
Everyone should read this but I especially recommend parents. I thought I could make it through the post with out shedding tears but I didn’t get very far on to it until the tears were pouring down my cheeks. It’s like a wake up call to really live not just rush to exist. My daughter Hattie posted it is how I found it and for which I am so grateful. Thank You.
A friend just forwarded me this article… here is my response to her…
You are a psychic, or you are a friend with great intuition… I have hit a very hard patch the past couple of weeks. Chalk it up to the frustration at my job, hubby travelling, the kids crazy schedule, my period 😉 whatever… This woman writing this article is living in my head. She wrote exactly what i am feeling. Is it our last child now being a toddler and time moving fast? Is it our oldest getting closer to middle school? Whatever it be, i am exhausted, i am sad, i am excited all at the same time of how quickly everything is moving with no time to breathe and no time to stop hearing that damn clock ticking.
I forwarded this to the hubs because honestly, this article will give him more insight into my bouts of sobbing then i can explain in words.
All i can say is thank you for this. The “timing” is priceless.
Thank you, Lori. When I throw my stories out into the world, it brings me great comfort to hear from a kindred soul. We are not alone in our struggles and triumphs, are we? Thank for taking the time to tell me.
Rachel,
I first read one of your essays a couple of months ago. Your writing is so poignant, and your content is critical. I am helped by everything you express, as my husband is a Rusher (an ADHD one at that) and had sucked me into that world. Your thoughts are helping me to break my own cycle, and to try to set an example for him to follow because it’s just too unfair to our 3 and 4.5 year-old free-spirited boys.
I can literally feel my chest swell with joy when I stop myself to REALLY look at their smiles, smell their hair when they sleep, and hear the way they carefully help each other with a game or puzzle. Doing so helps smooth out the patches of crying after a wrestling match got out of control or screaming as a toy is fought over. I’m trying to help my husband see that all these moments are fleeting–they will soon be gone–and that we only have a brief time to be a part of them. Thank you for so gracefully, and generously, showing all of us your own journey, and to your own family for allowing you to use them as subject matter from which we can all learn. THANK YOU.
Thank you Rachel
Today is my Birthday and my favorite saying is
“Living the dream”….
My best advice from someone who cares is
“Don’t overthink it” and it parallels your wonderful words of…..Stop wearing the clock, making a list and hurrying thru life
With much love and appreciation
Kobie
Happy birthday, sweet friend! You are a continual ray of sunshine on my journey! Many blessings!
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU! I’m a work in progress but at least now I am aware! I have days I am better at putting things down and just enjoying! Today was a great reminder….as I was laying with my young daughter trying to get her to go to sleep I became preoccupied with checking my emails and figured she would soon close those little eyes and drift off for her nap. She kept staring. I put the phone down and gazed into those sweet eyes with a smile. As if that’s all she needed she closed her eyes and snuggled in for a rest. How many times have I missed these opportunities?! Thank you for bringing awareness to me and being able to enjoy my babies!
Thank you Thank you Thank you, your words, all of them are a blessing to me you touch my heart with you insight and feed my
soul!
Thank you! I rushed through many years. My children are grown, they no longer need me. But I have been given a second chance with my grandson. I will not squander the time I have with him.
Question: How do I possibly do this when I have 1 hour every morning to get myself ready for work, along with getting a 3- and 5-yr old dressed, ready, snack eaten, and out of the house? (one of whom has ADD) I am constantly rushing/yelling/frustrated, and I do NOT want to be this way at ALL. Please help!! I’m desperate to not let the special moments fly by.
Hi Robin. I notoce no one has responded to your question. My circumstances are different so I’m not sure I’ll be much help but I do just want to say you’re already probably doing much better than you think. You are certainly dealing with very challenging circumstances in the mornings so well done to you on making it out the door each day, I doubt if I could! An hour is a short time to do all you need to do and this is a variable that is unlikely to change. Maybe evenings are going to be your time to slow down with your kids. Perhaps the best thing is have a strategy to rid your mornings of as much conflict and anxiety as possible so everyone has energy left for quality interaction when the time is available.
Until recently my life was also filled with yelling and rushing and tbh many days I drop the ball (proverbially speaking) and it still is. What I love about Rachel’s messages on this blog are the emphasis that no matter how badly things have gone in the past there can always be healing in the future.
I’m not sure if my experience will apply to your circumstances but here it is for what it’s worth. After a particularly bad week of shouting and guilt over the wounded looks on my kids’ faces, I made a decision that the motto for my relationship with my kids will be “whatever it takes to get it done without yelling and snapping at them”. Since making this decision I find that much of the parenting I do flies in the face of modern parenting advice and I have to remind myself not to feel guilty about this is a world which seems set up to make us feel inadequate.
Some days (or weeks) mornings involve my kids watching a dvd (so much for limiting TV) on my laptop while I frantically dress myself & them, spoon yogurt into their mouths , brush their teeth and bundle them into the car. Baths in summer may involve a paddling pool on the back lawn with some bubble bath chucked in. Some evening meals involve instant noodles or instant mash and sausages (so much for whole food) – my poor husband is a bit bemused by these but I find texting him that he’d better eat at the work canteen if he wants something more substantial gives him fair warning and he usually opts for noodles and the company of his crazy wife and wild kids!
In the end you need to find what works for YOU and YOUR family and I really wish you all the best with that.
I’ll try my best to offer something to you. I’ve read this blog and heard about it from a visiting Pastor to my church. I’m very much a “Clock Watcher”. I have to be I’m a teacher and mom of two boys. I’m also married and we all go to work and school in the same place everyday. With that said our life, like yours is busy and that is our reality. I try enjoying the gift we have as a family to go to work together each day and drive home( we commute about twenty minutes each way). I’ve learned a lot by just listening to my boys in the car. We have great conversations as I take them to swim etc. I listen and don’t have my phone on during that time. I do have the blessing of spending every summer with my boys so we’ll leave that to the side. During the busy school year, I take a few minutes to sit and think each day after my students come to class and after they leave at the end of the day. I’ve let go of a lot and have asked for help from my husband. We’re supposed to be partners in this thing called life. He now helps with so much more than in the past because I asked. He didn’t realize how stressful it was to me because I just did and he thought I liked it. Crazy person. LOL. We also don’t own any video gaming systems in our home so our boys aren’t stuck on that instead we bought a used travel trailer and now go out every few months to just get away from it all. This has really helped with us bonding as a family and learning to say no. If I do go online or check my phone etc. it’s after my kids go to bed or when I’m at work. I tell people that we’re unavailable, as a family, after 7:30p.m. No calls, texts, emails etc. until the next day. All of this took time but it’s help to slow us down during the school year.
Rachel, I am so happy to hear God is using your post to wake many to a most precious gift, TIME….BUT time in its true sense. I am sad to say I had to learn this from my twenty year old precious gift, my son Shane. You see at twenty he knew what I had not yet learned. Perhaps that’s why he was taken home. He was an old soul. I always called him an “idealist”…while I was always practical and someone who took pride in always fulfilling my ” duties”. My son was killed in a car crash at twenty. But before his twenty years were up he left me a four month old granddaughter whom he named Katlynn Hope. He worked as a server at chilis. He made bunches of tips because he had a gift for making every person feel so special….fat, ugly, old or beautiful he took TIME TO TALK WITH EACH. after his death we got visits and phone calls of people who testified to how much this ” old soul” would take time to embrace life. Like the gift it is…I remember as a teacher wearing that heavy clock quite often coming from church after a long day of teaching Sunday school, taking my boys to and from church twice. disciplining with scripture if need be, giving my tithes all those dutiful things that should be done by the way with JOY…… ONE NIGHT ….coming home from church my son begged me to stop and drive to the local pier in the neighborhood park so he could show me something….had he not been persistent I would have missed one of the most precious memories I have of this “non-clock” wearer. He took me out on the local pier and had me lie in my back and look up into a pitch black sky filled with sparkly stars…he said someday I will propose to my wife here. I breathed in the moment in hardy agreement what an awesome sight this was. And he lived to fulfill that dream and propose at ninteen on the pier. My son had time to write poetry and had his own poetry web site…he wrote letters to his future daughter…..two of which were before she was ever conceived….he had no time to keep his insurance paid…..to keep up with all the practicalities of life….he checked his brother out of school on club day to go fishing and was still writing letters to his first girlfriend ( from when he was thirteen) to talk her out of anorexia. And as a last example of his obliviousness to time he was in line in Wendy’s and overheard a teenaged girl in conversation with her mom about wanting to quit her basketball team because she had a loser coach…he politely asked if he could eat with them quickly to talk with the little girl…he talked her into not quitting such a great game as basketball because of one bad coach….shane’s passion after poetry was basketball and this was his first year coaching it. That little girl called us months after Shane’s car wreck. It was so hard to tell her he had passed. But she was one more testament to his great example that 20 years can honestly be like 80 when lived richly. And my fifty cautious years of practical living I don’t believe will ever measure up to his 20.. But I am trying. His eight year old and I roll homemade bisquits, plant old fashioned vines, we paint pictures and sit and listen to long sermons…we sit and read books by the bath at night and enjoy huge blackberries smothered in yogurt. We take time delighting in hugging a banana tree and asking her ( the tree) for fruit. I spend summers with my mom in ky…and I teach my granddaughter what being a penpal means ….and we do what all my mom’s people did on the porch swing in the rural town of leitchfield, ky…….sit on the front porch and wave and talk with her neighbors….we go feed old people and the blind…we wait patiently while her 95 year old friend sits in driveway and feeds the birds. So I you could say I learned too late…but his idealisms have had a profound impact on many and all I can say is… I’m learning Shane….I promise
I’m learning.
Thank you, Tammy. With tears of gratitude in my eyes, I feel like I was just given the key to a meaningful life. Your son not only held the key, but he lived it, he showed it … and because you took time to share, we all can try to grasp a little bit of his divine gift. I will not forget these little details that make up a life well lived. I am learning, too, sweet Tammy … I am learning too. I feel grateful we are learning together. With all my heart, Rachel
Tears for your loss of the most precious gift of all, your child. Hugs for the strength to carry on his memory by living by his example, being a gift to others.
I was profoundly affected by that post in Huffington. The timing could not have been more perfect. I have three boys, ages 8, 5, almost 3. My youngest takes his time… And wants to help… And takes his time… All the time. It’s my own anxiety that makes me want to nudge him- makes me want him to hurry up. What’s a few extra minutes? Nothing. I immediately ‘followed’ your blog and have enjoyed every post. You are a gifted writer- and a gift to your children. Thank you! Peace, Mama!
Such inspiring stories! Thank you for sharing! It made me want to go and watch my little one sleeping… 🙂
Thank you for your words. I need the reminder constantly as I am a clock carrier and goal oriented in the worst sort of way. Thank so much for your reminders to slow down and your lived example, even if it means you’ll be out of blog land for a week : ) I savor your posts like a chat with an old friend.
Thank-you for your stories and blogs. They truly are a gift and are changing people’s lives and ways of navigating through this “fast-paced” society that we have created for ourselves. I am definitely working on becoming a “hands-free momma!”
Thank-you for blessing me and so many others. You are an inspiration and a gift for so many lost souls! A true angel to say the least.
The story of your friend Joann brought a lump in my throat. It is such irony that while time seem to be abundant, it has somewhat become scarce in our own little world. While reading that, I reflected the times when sometimes I really have no choice but to go by the clock because other commitment beckons.And sometimes, I hate myself for it. That being said, I am being reminded of my own story I wrote a while back of taking the time to read to my daughter even after I felt so hassled by her. The smile on her face was priceless after that 2-minute read. I took the time and it meant the world to her. Thanks for this reminder yet again.
(P.S: I have enjoyed your other articles on being hands-free. Thanks for sharing)
Thank you so much. Growing up getting in trouble for being late, it has been very hard to break away from the clock. I try and enjoy the moments I have with my children and will continue trying to break free from the clock.
Wow I am kind of speechless. Your gift of writing, Rachel, is phenominal! I really was touched by your article and am mostly commenting because you asked so graciously! I can feel your compassion. Thank you!
Thank you for posting this!! After reading this, I too took off my “Ticking Clock”. I must say, best decision I’ve made. Thank you for being brave enough to post this 🙂
Your revolution is beautiful. More please! Im joining…and similarly, Im having a similar revolution while living in Denmark. I moved when I was pregnant and recovered from rush/go go go!-mode, ended my relationship with -8 cups of a coffee a day. I discovered myself vulnerable and strong, acknowledged the pain of a previous miscarriage that I had buried under work and projects, hoping it would disappear, and learned about love and presence. I am now the mom of an amazing boy that shows me birds, holds my hand and walks me back home slowly. I am a Hygge reporter..I hug, and I trust. I can sit in absolute silence, wait. Silence allows you to connect, feel the energy of the world alive, breathe, be …here, now. I think you would enjoy reading about Hygge, a danish concept. It goes very much with your revolution and might shine a new light on some ideas. Freedom looks a lot like laughter and savouring it all.
https://thehyggereport.com/2016/01/07/birthday-epiphany/
Bravo Rachel for hitting the nail on the head as you always do. I agree with everything you said and appreciate very much that you also say how it is easy to get caught back up in the rush. I have been making a conscious effort to enjoy life not rush through it for years now. Balance. And yet at times I get caught up in the rush. There is a saying that I don’t remember word for word about us managing our time or time will manage us. Most of the time I’m able to STOP the rushing, but not always. I’m better than I was and always working on it.
Today I’m off from work. My husband and I were on the way out the door and I wanted to get where we were going. I was feeling rushed and didn’t realize it. My husband said “Do you mind if I eat something first?” I can’t believe I made him feel so rushed that he considered not eating. That’s a basic human need and all because I felt hurried. I felt bad immediately, so at least if nothing else I can catch myself doing this? Fix it somehow? Again it’s about balance and priorities.
One thing I’ve learned in the past couple years is that plans change constantly. The more I think I have control of the days tasks the more I learn I don’t. The knock at the door, the neighbor who comes by to visit. The unexpected coming up as it does with all of us. I’ve learned that as much as I’m a list maker/planner that it doesn’t always work other than reminding me what needs to be done.
Children playing outdoors will learn a lot of experience. I often for my child to play outdoors every time.
I have followed your blog since my son was born he’s going to be 7 soon and I quit my job today based on this post and several others that you have written..and your books which made my cry. I came to the realization that I can’t have it all despite all my efforts and something had to give. I still have to work but this time I will work for myself as my husband and I are starting our own business.
Oh Tracy, this is such a celebratory & hopeful day!! I am so blessed by your message. I cannot tell you what it means to me to read this! I wish you and your husband all the best as you begin this new adventure. Thank you for walking beside me. I am grateful for you.
A minute saved is a minute eander, and this saved hours!