“Cause peace and love ain’t so far
If we nurse our wounds before they scar.”
I can vividly remember certain times in my life when I have been deeply hurt, shamed, excluded, or violated by someone.
I clearly remember wanting the violators to understand the pain they caused, offer me a genuine apology, and hear them pledge to never do it to anyone else.
That happened once.
All the other times, there was either no resolution or no remorse. I walked away from the painful experiences feeling angry, conflicted, hopeless, and confused.
When my daughters began coming to me with their own hurtful experiences, I felt a familiar wave of unsettledness. In a few cases, there was somewhat of a resolution. But most of time, resolution did not happen. The person who inflicted the pain was either unremorseful, unaware, or unchanged. My children’s hurt was their hurt to bear and to deal with as best they could. As we talked through it, I wondered, is this it? Is this all we can do when someone hurts us?
Then last spring, I came across a powerful perspective offered by renowned author and speaker for young people, Kari Kampakis. Kari wrote:
“Everyone in your life serves a purpose. Everyone has something to teach you.
And while people who are kind and friendly help teach you who you do want to be, those who are not kind and friendly teach you who you don’t want to be.
So when you encounter someone who hurts your feelings, lean into that feeling. Ask yourself what they did to make you feel that way. Was it the words they chose? Their tone? The way they picked favorites and then ignored everyone else?
Whatever they did, make a pledge. Promise yourself that you’ll never treat anyone the way they treated you. This is how you become a kinder and more compassionate person. This is how you learn from their mistakes.
And when you meet someone you really like, lean into that feeling, too. Ask yourself what they did to make you feel so good. Then make a pledge to yourself to be more like them. This is also how you become a kinder and more compassionate person.
Regardless of how anyone treats you, you stand to benefit. While some people teach you who you do want to be, others teach you who you don’t want to be. And it’s the people who teach you who you don’t want to be that provide some of the most lasting and memorable lessons on social graces, human dignity, and the importance of acting with integrity.”
That’s it! I thought hopefully. This empowering perspective was the resolution I’d been searching for all these years. Kari’s perspective—that even hurtful, unresolved experiences can feel resolved by viewing them as a learning experience—was both empowering and liberating.
Just when you think there isn’t anything you can do, there is.
That hurtful person can teach you how to be a more compassionate human being who someday makes someone else’s life better with that knowledge.
I knew I’d be using Kari’s wisdom in my own life and with my daughters – little did I know the very day I read her words, they would be needed.
As we were driving home from swim team practice, my younger daughter, who was nine at the time, said something happened at school that made her very sad. She has given me permission to share.
When she told her friend she was going to have to have surgery, the friend immediately went into worse surgeries people she knew have had.
My daughter further explained that each time she shares either bad news or good news with this friend, she treats it like a competition and tries to “outdo” my daughter.
Talking to her friend about how her response made her feel only caused her friend to become defensive and angry.
“She walked away mad, Mama,” she said sadly.
After talking for a few minutes about what that response says about her friend’s own insecurities and how one friend typically can’t meet all our needs, I had something empowering to offer.
“Take a moment and envision this person as a teacher. While she may seem like an unlikely teacher or an unqualified one, see this person as someone here to teach you something. What did she teach you today?”
My daughter thought for a moment. Then she said, “To be happy for other people’s good news and not be jealous. And to give comfort when people tell me they are scared or when they share bad news.”
“Yes, exactly!” I said. “I’m very sorry you had that experience today. It doesn’t sound like that friend is going to change anytime soon, but all hope it not lost because you can be the change! Now when someone tells you something bad or good going on in his or her life, you can respond with the compassion you would have liked to receive today.”
I told her it might be a good idea to make a pledge of what she’s going to do, as Kari mentioned in her article. When we got home, we made a pledge book. We both agreed to use it whenever an unlikely teacher taught us something through a hurtful experience.
Some of our pledges include:
I pledge to try and remember to ask others, “how are doing?” and really listen.
I pledge to be honest.
I pledge to pick up guests on time when they travel a long way.
I pledge to be nice to people who are lost.
I pledge never to say, “You owe me,” after I do something nice for someone.
I pledge to support someone’s dream no matter how farfetched it is.
I pledge not to judge someone based on appearance.
I pledge to give my full attention when someone is talking to me.
I pledge to consider who I might be excluding.
I pledge not to dismiss someone’s feelings just because I deal with things differently.
I pledge not to talk about someone’s weight.
I pledge not to jump to conclusions.
I pledge to make it easy for people to be themselves around me.
Our pledge book has been very cathartic for us. Taking hurts and offenses and turning them into positive intentions feels empowering and healing. I even revisited some of my unresolved past hurts and made them into pledges. I was surprised at the relief and closure that mere action brought to my soul.
But I must say, the pledge book has been most helpful to us right now, in a time of great divisiveness and pain in our country. Recently, my daughter’s pledge reflected what I have been seeing amongst some adults. She gave me permission to share.
I pledge not to call people bad names just because they have a different opinion.
She had been hurt. And when she told the person that the name-calling hurt her feelings, she was met with anger and opposition. While the tendency might have been to:
Hold a grudge
My daughter did something better.
She pledged to stop the hurt rather than perpetuate it.
She pledged to be the change she wanted to see.
She pledged to take a negative and turn it into a positive.
And I am seeing it. I am seeing the pledges in her book come to life through her actions and words–and mine too.
You might say the pledge book sitting on my dresser is A Playbook for Bettering Humanity.
Just imagine for a moment, if we all had one.
When hurtful words are thrown like confetti,
When harsh judgements are made in a couple of keystrokes,
When pain cuts deep and resolution is nowhere near,
We could pause and ask ourselves: What is this person here to teach me?
And from that unlikely teacher, a painful experience could become a heartfelt pledge, igniting hope for all of humanity.
Friends of the Hands Free Revolution community, if you appreciated Kari’s perspective shared in this post, please see her highly anticipated second book releasing today called: “Liked: Whose Approval Are Your Living For?” I met Kari Kampakis in a coffee shop five years ago and instantly felt like she was a kindred soul. Over the years, I have been inspired by Kari’s passion for helping young women navigate friendships, identity, social media, and faith. As the mother of four capable and confident young ladies, Kari is the real deal. Her kind, sisterly approach and non-judgemental tone effectively reaches young women living in the age of screens, external validation, and superficial measures of success. You can read more about Kari’s new book by clicking here.
Thank you for being part of the Hands Free Revolution on Facebook and Instagram. We have a very special online community where positivity, love, and acceptance continue to flourish in a time of great discord. Feel free to share how you have turned hurtful words into positive actions in the comment section. We can learn so much from each other. If you are new here, welcome! Please see my Amazon Author page for the two books I have written and my third book, ONLY LOVE TODAY, which releases on March 7.