“Cause peace and love ain't so far
If we nurse our wounds before they scar.”
–Alicia Keys
I can vividly remember certain times in my life when I have been deeply hurt, shamed, excluded, or violated by someone.
I clearly remember wanting the violators to understand the pain they caused, offer me a genuine apology, and hear them pledge to never do it to anyone else.
That happened once.
All the other times, there was either no resolution or no remorse. I walked away from the painful experiences feeling angry, conflicted, hopeless, and confused.
When my daughters began coming to me with their own hurtful experiences, I felt a familiar wave of unsettledness. In a few cases, there was somewhat of a resolution. But most of time, resolution did not happen. The person who inflicted the pain was either unremorseful, unaware, or unchanged. My children’s hurt was their hurt to bear and to deal with as best they could. As we talked through it, I wondered, is this it? Is this all we can do when someone hurts us?
Then last spring, I came across a powerful perspective offered by renowned author and speaker for young people, Kari Kampakis. Kari wrote:
“Everyone in your life serves a purpose. Everyone has something to teach you.
And while people who are kind and friendly help teach you who you do want to be, those who are not kind and friendly teach you who you don’t want to be.
So when you encounter someone who hurts your feelings, lean into that feeling. Ask yourself what they did to make you feel that way. Was it the words they chose? Their tone? The way they picked favorites and then ignored everyone else?
Whatever they did, make a pledge. Promise yourself that you’ll never treat anyone the way they treated you. This is how you become a kinder and more compassionate person. This is how you learn from their mistakes.
And when you meet someone you really like, lean into that feeling, too. Ask yourself what they did to make you feel so good. Then make a pledge to yourself to be more like them. This is also how you become a kinder and more compassionate person.
Regardless of how anyone treats you, you stand to benefit. While some people teach you who you do want to be, others teach you who you don’t want to be. And it’s the people who teach you who you don’t want to be that provide some of the most lasting and memorable lessons on social graces, human dignity, and the importance of acting with integrity.”
That’s it! I thought hopefully. This empowering perspective was the resolution I’d been searching for all these years. Kari’s perspective—that even hurtful, unresolved experiences can feel resolved by viewing them as a learning experience—was both empowering and liberating.
Just when you think there isn’t anything you can do, there is.
That hurtful person can teach you how to be a more compassionate human being who someday makes someone else’s life better with that knowledge.
I knew I’d be using Kari’s wisdom in my own life and with my daughters – little did I know the very day I read her words, they would be needed.
As we were driving home from swim team practice, my younger daughter, who was nine at the time, said something happened at school that made her very sad. She has given me permission to share.
When she told her friend she was going to have to have surgery, the friend immediately went into worse surgeries people she knew have had.
My daughter further explained that each time she shares either bad news or good news with this friend, she treats it like a competition and tries to “outdo” my daughter.
Talking to her friend about how her response made her feel only caused her friend to become defensive and angry.
“She walked away mad, Mama,” she said sadly.
After talking for a few minutes about what that response says about her friend’s own insecurities and how one friend typically can’t meet all our needs, I had something empowering to offer.
“Take a moment and envision this person as a teacher. While she may seem like an unlikely teacher or an unqualified one, see this person as someone here to teach you something. What did she teach you today?”
My daughter thought for a moment. Then she said, “To be happy for other people’s good news and not be jealous. And to give comfort when people tell me they are scared or when they share bad news.”
“Yes, exactly!” I said. “I’m very sorry you had that experience today. It doesn’t sound like that friend is going to change anytime soon, but all hope it not lost because you can be the change! Now when someone tells you something bad or good going on in his or her life, you can respond with the compassion you would have liked to receive today.”
I told her it might be a good idea to make a pledge of what she’s going to do, as Kari mentioned in her article. When we got home, we made a pledge book. We both agreed to use it whenever an unlikely teacher taught us something through a hurtful experience.
Some of our pledges include:
I pledge to try and remember to ask others, “how are doing?” and really listen.
I pledge to be honest.
I pledge to pick up guests on time when they travel a long way.
I pledge to be nice to people who are lost.
I pledge never to say, “You owe me,” after I do something nice for someone.
I pledge to support someone’s dream no matter how farfetched it is.
I pledge not to judge someone based on appearance.
I pledge to give my full attention when someone is talking to me.
I pledge to consider who I might be excluding.
I pledge not to dismiss someone’s feelings just because I deal with things differently.
I pledge not to talk about someone’s weight.
I pledge not to jump to conclusions.
I pledge to make it easy for people to be themselves around me.
Our pledge book has been very cathartic for us. Taking hurts and offenses and turning them into positive intentions feels empowering and healing. I even revisited some of my unresolved past hurts and made them into pledges. I was surprised at the relief and closure that mere action brought to my soul.
But I must say, the pledge book has been most helpful to us right now, in a time of great divisiveness and pain in our country. Recently, my daughter’s pledge reflected what I have been seeing amongst some adults. She gave me permission to share.
I pledge not to call people bad names just because they have a different opinion.
She had been hurt. And when she told the person that the name-calling hurt her feelings, she was met with anger and opposition. While the tendency might have been to:
Lash out
Attack
Ridicule
Argue
Unfriend
Hold a grudge
Gossip
Or complain,
My daughter did something better.
She pledged to stop the hurt rather than perpetuate it.
She pledged to be the change she wanted to see.
She pledged to take a negative and turn it into a positive.
And I am seeing it. I am seeing the pledges in her book come to life through her actions and words–and mine too.
You might say the pledge book sitting on my dresser is A Playbook for Bettering Humanity.
Just imagine for a moment, if we all had one.
When hurtful words are thrown like confetti,
When harsh judgements are made in a couple of keystrokes,
When pain cuts deep and resolution is nowhere near,
We could pause and ask ourselves: What is this person here to teach me?
And from that unlikely teacher, a painful experience could become a heartfelt pledge, igniting hope for all of humanity.
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Thank you for being part of the Hands Free Revolution on Facebook and Instagram. We have a very special online community where positivity, love, and acceptance continue to flourish in a time of great discord. If you are new here, welcome! Please see my Amazon Author page for the three books I have written. My latest national bestseller, ONLY LOVE TODAY, offers soulful, bite-size encouragement for busy individuals yearning to anchor themselves in love and connection despite everyday distractions, pressures, and societal discord. “Only Love Today” began as a mantra to overcome my inner bully, but it is now the practice of my life. It can be a practice for all of us with Only Love Today.
I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for these comforting words.
I’m struggling for a few days now, cause a stranger humilated and offended me like nobody did before.
I participated on a conversation here on Facebook. We had different opinions about a very controversy topic. Some ladies called me stupid, an ignorant and an idiot. But the one lady; I’m even ashamed to tell what she did.
During the conversation, where I respectfully told my opinion, she could not cope with, it got very ugly and disgusting. After noticing that she couldn’t provoke me with her words, she posted really disturbing and disgusting pictures on my profile. I deleted them immidiately and so she sent them via message.
During the conversation she discovered that I misscarried a few months ago. She not only posted pictures of it on my private Facebook profile, but also sent me the same pictures with some disgusting messages “that’s what your dead Baby looks like fat Bxxxx” and so on.
I read of these trolls, that offend others out of the blue, but never immagined this could happen to me. First I was angry, frustrated and scared. But then, I took the chance to learn my lesson. The lesson I learned, is to stand up for your opinion, but to respect and never ever humilate others if they don’t have your same opinion.
I didn’t reply to her disgusting message, but either did I accept her behaviour. I reported her to someone who might be importamt for her. Cause this cyber mobbing must stop! So even if this doesn’t remote what she did to me, she might will never do it to someone else again.
Dear Maria, oh my heart hurts for you. I have been exactly where you are. It shook me to my core. I wanted to retreat. To take down all my social media profiles, to take down my blog, to go to a place where that person could not touch me. But after a long night of prayers and tears, I felt a resolve rise up inside me. I thought: you can say all the vile, untrue, cruel words about me, but you cannot take what is most precious to me. I refused to let this person stop me from speaking my truths, helping others, and being a light in the darkness. I love that you came to a similar conclusion. And now when I see a friend getting attacked online, I let her know she is not alone. That unlikely teacher taught me how I want to response when I see someone in a similar situation. I also share with my daughters this experience to help them in the future. I commend you for realizing the best response is no response. And for reporting it. Thank you for sharing your pain and your hope here today. It will help someone else I am sure of that.
Thank you so much for your response. Your daughters can be so proud of you! And I’m sorry that you experienced those things too. And yes, I will continue to share my thoughts when I know that they arise from love. I don’t ever force my opinions on others, and I accept if someone might not share my thoughts. But I will not accept if someone hurts me or others, and I will stand up for it. I’ll not hide or shut my mouth if I see that somebody else gets disgusting towards others. I was not so hurt by the words, but I cannot understand how someone can be so rude. And when I’m hurt, I always think “what has this person gone through to become so frustrated to offend and hurt others?”. This calms me down. Nobody is born this way. So I respond to hatred with love. But though some people need to understand that they have to take the responsibilities for their behaviour. Hopefully they can change to spread love instead of hatred!
I so sorry for the personal attacks on you. Moreover I am so sorry for your miscarriage. Please delete the offending troll from all of your social media accounts. When you can change your frustration to pity. Then Forgive your troll for having such a dark soul. May God have mercy on them
Thank you so much Audrey for your kind message.
Though I’ve experienced this cruel attack, I still believe that all people are good. Cause God is in everyone of us. Sometimes we loose Him, but He still remains, and loves us, no matter what we do.
We all are born with love. And when there is no love, it’s always fear. But fear is nothing else than the desire for love. There is always love.
I think that when people hurt us, they’re deeply hurt themselves.
I’m convinced that the Lady who attacked me, had been treated the same way. Otherwice she wouldn’t have done this to me.
I’ve pondered a lot the last day. And wanted to message her. Not to become best friends, but to show her, that this time she won’t be rejected. But I’m afraid of her reaction. That she might attack me again. And it was very painfull. But I think I’ll do it anyway. Cause I believe that love always wins!
Hi Rachel,
I like your article, and just want to mention that the concept of everyone being your teacher and being thankful for challenging relationships came from the Buddha’s teachings (dharma). It is a wonderful and timeless teaching.
Thank you, Sal! I appreciate pointing this out! I will be looking into the Buddha’s teachings more deeply. I bet there is a wealth of knowledge and inspiration to be found.
Maria, I’m so sorry for the pain you experienced in your miscarriage and in your interactions with this unloving person. Thank you for sharing these experiences with us to help us learn about being more loving. I pray for you that God will bring you healing and peace.
I am glad you are in the world, Taylor.
Thank you so much Taylor. People like you are such a gift!
You know, I can endure those disgusting comments in some way. But cyber mobbing is real, and I’m concerned about the dimension of it. And that it happens to people who can’t cope with so much hatred.
I’ve read a wonderful quote the other day that sums it up perfectly: if the words that you spoke appeared on your skin…would you still be beautiful?
We always care about our appearance and totally forget that what counts the most, is our attitude.
So, even if with baby steps, there is always the right time and place to make the world a little bit kinder. Lets start here and now!
Thanks for your kind words, ladies. The little extra encouragement is much appreciated this week. <3
Rachel, you have a gift and you are a gift! The way you process life, and weave together different events into a cohesive narrative that always leads the reader to deep life lessons, is truly inspired. I’m so touched and honored to be a part of this post! And that idea of the pledge book is genius! Your girls are learning from the best, and I often think – as I did today – that I can’t wait to see how they will change the world because of the heart and strength you’re instilling today. I have great admiration for you and big gratitude for our friendship. Thank you for being a steady and consistent light for me and thousands of others. What the world needs now is more people like you!!
I am reading this at a time that I need it most. But what do you do when the person who inflicted the pain was someone you had considered a good friend? Specifically, how do you interact with this person going forward? This person is someone who overlaps my life in so many ways – husbands are good friends, kids are in school together, we socialized as a family, etc. I lost a really good friend, but much of my hurt is the realization that she didn’t consider me a good friend like I did her. I want to rise above and learn as you say. But at the same time, the bell has rung and cannot be un-rung. We just aren’t friends anymore. It’s difficult to paste the smile on my face, although I do. Everything’s changed. I don’t want to – I cannot – hang out with her as in the past (although she’s certainly not trying to hang out with me, either). How do you interact going forward with these people who have hurt you?
Maria N. I am in a similar situation to yourself and am finding it hard as well. I really feel for you, it is hurtful when a friend shows that she is not who you thought she was, but is still happy and bubbly with everyone else. I have made the decision to be friendly to her on the occasions when we are together. As for hanging out, she has distanced herself from me already, so I will leave it at that. Please know that you are not alone in this, maybe this is an opportunity to cement your relationships with family and other friends. That is what I am now trying to do. Good Luck.
This is just what I needed to read today—not for my children’s sake but my own. Here in the US, we just had an election, which has caused a wide rift among us Americans. I have been grieving since learning the results of the election and didn’t know quite what to do when encountering the bigotry of Trump supporters.
There is much I can do in my own community – rally and march, support local causes, talk to people with backgrounds different from my own, volunteer. But you’re so right that when I encounter someone with offensive views, I will usually be unable to change them.
That’s where this advice comes in. I can see that person as a teacher showing me how I do not want to be. And I can use that mindset to teach my children.
Thank you for this post.
TenThousandHourMama.com
Amen.
Beautiful!! One of the things I love most about your work, Rachel, is that your insights & strategies are both so relatable & ‘doable”. You consistently offer our community not only a different perspective, but also concrete steps/actions to help us put it into practice & make it a reality in our daily lives. Thank you! Thank you!!?
This is a powerful lesson and one I really need to learn and put into action in my life. Two years ago a neighbor who I thought was a friend began placing baited traps in her yard because neighborhood cats dug in her garden. I began keeping my cats indoors full time but just before Christmas my favorite escaped and disappeared. I knew my neighbor had caught him in her trap and I begged for him back to no avail. She would not tell me what she did with him. He had been a Christmas gift for my daughter a few years before. We were devastated. For last two years I have held onto my hurt and my bitter anger toward my neighbor. But now I know, when we hold onto hurt it hurts US! Not the person who hurt us. With your lesson in mind, I will start to let it go and will set my neighbor in that group of people who teach who we do NOT want to be. Thank you Rachel. I really needed this.
How are (you) doing?
I’ll be starting a Pledge Book today!
Hugs.
Simply outstanding advice. Have read several of your posts (ALWAYS enjoy them) and this one, at this particular time in my life and that of my children’s lives, simply stood out for its relevancy and realness. Thank you.
This is just what I needed to hear today! Not only will this perspective help me with other adults, I’m going to share it with my husband and kids. Thank you for taking the time to share your inspiring thoughts with us! May we learn something new each day, whether it is a way TO BE or NOT TO BE. thank you!
Children give us great opportunities to become teachers. I am so sorry for when children become adults and must live with internet trolls. Learning early on how to cope with unpleasant disagreeable people is a great coping skill to acquire. Even better… learning how to not respond to trolls via social media is an even greater skill to learn. Thank you for this article.
Thank you so much for this life changing perspective. I try not to judge people but when they are hurtful, that is often our first response.. We might not do it publicly but we still think it. I love this idea of the pledge book – same for me and my daughter. She struggles at school with making friends and it breaks my heart – I want to fix it for her but I know she needs to work it out for herself and I just need to be there for her when she comes home from school. We do happy and sads each night and I see this as an extension to that – turning the sads into positives, not things she then worries about in her sleep.
Again — THANK YOU
Rachel, thank you once again for your wise words and wonderful lessons. Your posts especially recently, have come to me at just the moment I needed them most. I’m a high school English and Drama teacher and I’ve used your posts several times to get my Drama group through particularly hard times. Every time I read something you wrote, I learn a little more about the kind of person I want to strive to be and the kind of people I hope my students turn out to be. Thank you for the positive voice in these often hard times.
Rachel- this is brilliant. I love the way you work through things and turn them into a positive! We are going to make a pledge book today.
Thank you so much for your beautiful words
Bridget
I am amazed at how timely this article posted by a friend was. I just had to respond to a strange letter that was quite derisive and caustic. Her comments were deliberately hurtful and calculated. I felt I responded well, but the hurt remained even though in my heart I knew they were twisted and untrue.
I like the idea of the journal, so I can heal now and know how to respond in the future.
This is exactly what I needed to hear. I was hurt by someone in my Bible study group who I thought was a good friend. He attacked my character in an email and never apologized. Unfortunately because he’s part of my social circle, I have to see him at parties. It pains me each time. There are days that the words he wrote still pop up in my mind, and I think, “How could he say that about me?” But, I have to come to the conclusion that he was never really a friend to begin with. My pledge is to use my words to build people up instead of tearing them down.
I will ne sharing this at my dinner table tonight with my family! The ripples of love, kindness, and strength that are being put out into our world is beautiful. Thank you again for being a light in the darkness!
It is with a heavy and hurt heart that I write this. It is an outlet that I truly need. I have been repeatedly hurt by certain peoples mocking as soon as my back is turned or out of sight.. I just keep coming back for more. I guess I am the fool, but I do so, so that one person is not hurt. But it has hit my core! I don’t know what satisfaction comes from constantly ridiculing someone. If you don’t like them, don’t pretend to. Don’t include them just to bash them over and over again.. I am not perfect by any means, we all have our cruel side. Reading this makes me vow to find the good in people and remember people’s feelings and the so important saying If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything at all!! Thank you. Fran
Fran, I’m so sorry for your pain. This is a safe place for you, and you are loved here. Thank you for being brave and sharing. I pray that as I have gained (although I falter on some days) from something helpful I read a few years ago (I can share more info if you’re interested) that you will have a deep sense of your great value that cannot be affected by others.
Sounds good! What about the pledge to stand up for yourself, validate yourself, honor your boundaries? Those are also important, if not more, than pledging to treat oothersin an unhurtful way. If you love and take care of yourself, you are naturally kind and happy and have no need to treat others anything but in the same way. THAT is what we need to learn more in America: true self love.
Well said. Our society has to get back to the true definition of love.
This is powerful! Thank you for sharing ???
I love this idea and want to try it for myself and my 10 year old daughter. Thank you for sharing this great idea!
Thank you for this insightful article. After reading it I can find the peace inside me. It helps me see that I don’t want to become like this person that keeps, in very small and subtle ways, disrespecting my wishes. And I appreciate about myself that I do. I love that this way it is about me and not about the other person.
Lots of love
Thank you for sharing your insight and your hope. This is very helpful to us all.
I don’t know how I missed this message back in November, but maybe I found it today because it’s the “right time” now for it. I can’t wait to share this with my 9 year old daughter who is struggling with a friend. This is a perfect way to work through the feelings she is having at this already emotional age.
I am so sorry you are having more health issues. I saw on IG yesterday that you are having heel pain. I tell ya, it’s the worst! Mine flares up after running or Jazzercise, and it lasts for months! I will pray for quick healing for your health issues.
Thank you for your wonderful words and for sharing such a positive perspective on how to deal with these hurts. I am re-reading this post because I am trying to figure out how to help my three year old cope with rejection from her friends. I never realized how early and how strongly we could be hurt by others. She was once part of a quartet of friends that were inseparable. Then one moved away and they became the three musketeers until recently when she started being excluded from their play. In the last few days they have told her “you are not our friend anymore” and “we are not best friends”. She’s been asking them to play, to be friends but they continue to exclude her. She started to cry today as she told me “nobody likes me, nobody wants to be my friend”, and “I think they wanted to make me cry”. I know that she is only three and that this will pass soon enough but for right now her pain is real. I hope that I can help her through this.
Thanks again.
I teach middle school health…may I use your words AND the pledge book idea as a lesson? It incorporates so much that try to give to my students and to hear it from someone else may be a catalyst.
Absolutely! I would be honored! Thank you for your important work in the world!
Hi Rachel! This was shared in a stepmom group I’m in. So happy to see you making a difference in so may different people’s lives. I’d like to offer your daughter another perspective. I am quite guilty of doing the thing that her friend did to her when she was talking about her surgery. I very often talk about my experience or another friend’s experience. It’s not to compete with the person, but to relate to them. My intentions are to not to one up, but to show them they are not alone or offer my experience in case it can help them either with knowledge of experience or just to know they’re not alone. Maybe that’ll help your daughter think that maybe the delivery is not the intention and the friend is trying to be a friend, even if it’s not perceived that way. Hope you and the family are doing well!!!
Thank you, Miriam. This is very helpful! It is a new way to look at those types of comments as connection not competition. I appreciate you.
I love your message and live by this every day. I love everyone and forgive those who may say something I do not agree with. I never react with negativity or gossip even though I know one of my friends is gossiping about me constantly. However the poster on your blog post is very negative. To pick out something one cant help such as looks “Wonky nose, crooked mouth, double chin, stick out teeth” That is judgement right there. I just do not notice these things as looks do not matter to me. However, you are saying if they have good thoughts they will always be lovely. No that person was beautiful to me before I knew how they thought as I do not judge anyone. I cant imagine how someone would feel reading this poster who did have one of these traits. Someone with a low self esteem due to one of the characteristics mentioned above. This is not a poster made with love it is a hurtful judging poster based on looks and I find that sad. Pointing out what one person sees as a flaw in someone is not love it is hurtful. What if a person who has one of those traits with a low self esteem reads this. You basically told them them they are not lovely unless you can prove it by shooting out those good thoughts. Once the world can learn to love everyone not just those who look like you. This will start the healing we all need. Do not make this pledge “I pledge not to judge someone based on appearanc”.while including a poster that did just that. Sorry if this comes off negative as I am not trying to be. I am trying to help you on your journey as you have helped me today. namaste
Thank you for your perspective. The quote my daughter is looking at in a bathroom in North Carolina is by the remarkable children’s author Ronald Dahl from the book The Twits. That quote is listed over and over as one of the most inspiring quotes of all time. Perhaps if you read the book, you might see it was not to offend people with imperfections (as we all have). Here is a blog post of one such reader who was deeply moved by Dahl’s writing and this particular quote – https://keepingupwiththewalkers.com/2012/09/04/lessons-from-roald-dahl-ugly-thoughts/
While this is good advice we should all heed there is point when people are just toxic. That line when crossed is easy to see because toxic people want destroy you, not just your opinions. There is a big difference. That being said this advice seems rather shallow. What do you do when it’s your parents, your sisters, your husband, your children, etc…? And they want to destroy you? We live in a culture where material things matter more than people and relationships. Jealousy, greed and entitlement have grown into every corner of our culture like a toxic mold that won’t go away. Happy people are the target.
Perhaps these people are hurting inside. I know a lot of toxic people, some of them are in my own family and I’ve had to go no contact with two of my siblings. But for my own peace I will not hold a grudge towards these people. I just know that I don’t ever want to be like them. I never want to not include somebody, I never want to give people the silent treatment or dismiss them, I never want to hang up in somebody’s ear. I never want to yell and scream at somebody in frustration. Perhaps I’ve always been like this and the toxic ones just don’t like it. Perhaps they are just projecting their self-hurt onto others. Worth thinking about.
This is profound, Sue. Thank you for sharing this healing, compassionate, and liberating perspective. I could not agree more.
While I’ve read this article years ago, I came back to it today because of some bullying my daughter is experiencing. What a different perspective it is for your child to come home day after day and feel attached and (seemingly) powerless against it. I suspect we all have wounded or wounded others (either accidentally or on purpose) from childhood. But we know so much more now – why do we do this? You profoundly stated it above – because we’re all so hurt ourselves. But WE can be the change in the world! We can learn and not let it ruin us! Thanks for these words today, sweet lady! Love how you share your gifts with the world!
Old post, but I still wanted to say that it is so incredibly helpful, and I need constant reminders to help me through hurtful episodes when it can feel like an avalanche of hurt comes down from the freshest and latest of injuries from someone.
I am so grateful for the people who walk in love and light and reach out to bring others into the sunshine with them. You are the people that make life beautiful and means everything to me. Thank you so much.
I am deeply touched by your kind words. Thank you for taking the time to write them to me. I hold your message close to my heart today.