“And I'm fractured
From before
And I wanna go home
Now it takes two
And it used to take one
It takes two
And it used to take only one”
-Ryan Adams, Two
*name has been changed
*Steven was one of twelve students in my classroom for children with severe behavior disorders. These children had been repeatedly kicked out of regular education classrooms and alternative schools. My classroom – that I taught with a co-teacher – was their last hope. To call this class of twelve students “challenging” was a severe understatement, but I’d accepted this challenge after reading through twelve massive educational files. Although I tried, it was unimaginable how twelve children could endure so much heartache in such a short time on earth.
Because of the trauma these children had endured, my heart was sympathetic to them. When they tried to hurt me, I held them. When they cussed me out, I did not take it personally. When they ran away, I ran after them. I knew they needed love more than anything, and that is what I vowed to give them while they were in my presence.
Their parents were another story. With every documented incident of abuse and neglect in their child’s file, my sympathy diminished. I found it impossible to love and accept the parents as I did their children, no matter how hard I tried.
Stephen’s mother was the hardest. Her beautiful, blue-eyed child came to school harboring such hatred in his heart. He used vile terms for anyone who was different than him—and difference was abundant in my classroom.
The one time Stephen’s mother came in regarding a behavior issue, she blamed two students for reasons that revealed deep-seated racism. When I pointed out the facts of the situation, she said vile things about me, my teaching ability, and my beliefs. The assumptions she made about me were so far off base and untrue, I was left speechless … and angry … and deeply offended. I hoped I would never have to be in the same room again with her as long as I lived.
Around Thanksgiving time, my co-teacher was inspired to provide the children with a memorable experience. With our help, the students would each make a traditional Thanksgiving dish. We would use the life skills and social skills they’d recently learned to enjoy a meal together.
I can’t remember the conversation exactly, but I believe my colleague and I talked about inviting the students’ parents. If I had to guess, I think I said something like, “Most of them won’t come anyway. That will just disappoint the kids. How about we let them invite their favorite school staff member instead?”
I would like to say I did that for the kids. But truthfully, I didn’t want to be around Stephen’s mother after the way she had offended me. I didn’t want to be around someone with beliefs so different than mine.
A few weeks later, our twelve precious students proudly revealed a long, colorfully decorated table of food to their beloved principal, associate principal, music teacher, and occupational therapist. Miraculously, the students had prepared the feast with only a few minor blow ups and breakdowns. As we dug in joyfully, Stephen leaned over to me.
“If y’all didn’t do this, I would never know the taste of turkey.”
I swallowed hard.
“My dad hates Thanksgiving so we don’t have it,” he continued. “My mom said to be sure and thank you.” And with that, he wrapped his arms around me and squeezed me with all his might.
“Well, I sure wish we would have invited her,” I squeaked out, feeling about two inches tall.
“Next time,” Stephen said. “We’ll do this every year, Mrs. Stafford, and Mom can come next time,” he smiled.
Unfortunately, there was no next time.
Steven’s family moved that spring, but not before his mother came in to say goodbye.
“You’ve been good to him,” she told me as she wrung her hands together nervously. “He never liked going to school ‘til this year.”
“Well, Stephen is very smart. If I need help fixing anything in the classroom, Stephen always offers to do it! He’s been such a good helper to me.” I said. “I know he is going to be just fine in Ohio.”
“He cried about leaving you,” she confided about her tough boy. Then she looked down at her shoes. “I know this is probably not appropriate, but can we have your address so we can write back and forth?”
I felt a tinge of worry. I thought back on the violent incidents I’d read about in his confidential file. I hoped and prayed this mother’s intent was good and wrote my address on a piece of paper and handed it to her.
For nearly five years, I received two and three-page letters from Stephen and his mother. Bit by bit, his mother shared with me her story; she showed me her scars; she revealed her pain and insecurities; she asked for guidance to be the best mother she could to her three children despite very challenging life circumstances.
I wrote back to her with advice, encouragement, and love. Each time I sealed the envelope and put it in the mailbox, I felt hopeful. I felt certain this divinely orchestrated connection would prove to be far more than an understanding between two very different women.
And it did.
You see, I think about Stephen’s mother a lot – particularly when my beliefs and opinions clash with someone else’s … when I have a choice to engage with or dismiss someone whose beliefs offend my own. I think about her when I have a chance to invite or exclude people who minimize or belittle issues I deeply care about. Stephen’s mother helps me choose love … effort … understanding … compassion.
Because honestly, I will forever live with the regret that I did not invite her to my table.
But all hope is not lost.
I have more chances … and one of them is coming up on Thursday, Thanksgiving Day 2016.
And so do you, my friends.
Perhaps you’ve realized you have the same choice – and maybe it’s weighing heavily on your heart … creating angst and dread … causing you to consider cancelling altogether.
I would encourage you to sit down at the table …
With the person who offended you
With the person who doesn’t see who you really are
Sit down at the table …
With the person who can’t see past his or her own beliefs
With the person you find impossible to love.
Take a seat across from the person with whom you’ll most likely never see eye to eye.
Bring extra patience and extra openness, if you must—but sit down at the table.
Extending love to someone with a differing opinion does not mean you are agreeing with her or forsaking your beliefs – it shows you’re committed to moving toward a positive future.
Extending love to someone who revealed an unbecoming side of himself doesn’t mean you’ve forgotten – it shows you’re willing to see his story and scars within.
Extending love to someone who offended you does not mean you’re accepting such treatment – it means you realize you cannot thrive in a place of anger and resentment.
Extending love to someone who holds ill will towards you does not mean you don’t care – it means your life is not based on the opinions of others.
Sitting down at the table despite past hurts and current turmoil shows you’re willing to see what an open heart can do to mend wounds, break down barriers, and create positive change for yourself and future generations.
Sit down at the table.
It might be your only chance to acknowledge that yes, you’re coming from vastly different places, but where you want to go is virtually the same.
Sit down at the table.
It might be your only chance to find out what the most unlikely, but truly extraordinary type of love tastes like.
********************************************************************
Friends of The Hands Free Revolution, thank you for being a mighty force for love, hope, and acceptance in the world right now. If you would like to gift others this holiday season with visual reminders to choose love, please enjoy FREE SHIPPING to anywhere up to $9.95 with the code THANKFUL (includes international shipping). Offer good today through Nov. 26, 2016 on all items including: metal cuffs, leather wristbands, and silicone reminder bands inscribed with these healing mantras:
ONLY LOVE TODAY
COME AS YOU ARE
SEE FLOWERS NOT WEEDS
TODAY MATTERS MORE THAN YESTERDAY
I CHOOSE LOVE
Check out the hand-lettered prints for:
GET OFF THE SCALE Manifesto
THE HANDS FREE Pledge
Only love today
XOXO BEFORE YOU GO
And one final note, gifting someone with one of my books is a huge blessing to me. It helps my publisher know my work is valued and should continue. My books include HANDS FREE MAMA, HANDS FREE LIFE, and ONLY LOVE TODAY (releasing 3/7). Thank you for being part of this community. I count you among my greatest blessings.
Love you so much. These words are what the world is aching for right now, and we will waste away if we don’t fight to love.
My sweet friend, I cried for you and your people last night. Your piece this morning is truly inspired from a place of deep love, prayerful consideration, and compassion. This section touched my core: “We ache for the quiet, we ache for the things that remind us of who we are, for the things that challenge us to become who we need to be. So with every breath of thanksgiving, we release something into ourselves, into our families, into the people we love AND those we don’t. We release something into the world around us, because gratefulness produces good and sacred fruit, and it is fruit of healing.”
https://kaitlincurtice.com/2016/11/21/we-can-still-be-grateful/
Thank you, my precious friend, for your healing perspective and your heart that never turns away.
Thank you so much for this.
Thank you for taking time to read and to respond with gratitude. It means so much to me.
Thank you for being here.
This is a very moving piece. I think it touches on what is going on in our society and it is good to be open to people who are different. It is not what I expected. I had hoped it was dealing with relatives that have hurt you. Repeatedly. I have changed our tradition to traveling on Thanksgiving because the heart can only take so much. We have tried to be loving and open, but sometimes for self preservation it is necessary to walk away. Not every situation can be resolved in the manner you suggest.
Thank you, Kristina, for sharing your experience and perspective. It is so valuable and helps us love each other better. I could not agree more that abuse falls into a totally different category. When personal safety and wellbeing comes into the equation, it is a different situation. In cases like this, healthy & protective boundaries must be put in place. I have found two helpful articles in case others, like you, were looking for something different when they clicked on my post.
“Daring to set boundaries is about having the courage to love ourselves, even when we risk disappointing others”
— Brene Brown
1) When and how to cut the ties of bad family relationships
https://kindredbond.com/family-relationships/Strained-Family-Relationships-When-You-Should-Cut-The-Ties-and-Say-Goodbye
2) 6 tips for dealing with difficult family members during the holidays –
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archives/2011/12/09/6-tips-for-dealing-with-difficult-family-during-the-holidays/
Us as well Kristina, we have had to cease contact with family. Whenever I read pieces like this I worry about the people who think this includes sitting at the table with their abusers. I hope people read the comments as well and explore the links Rachel has provided, they are good ones and helpful.
Me, too.
Like Mickey, I worry whenever I see a piece like this that people will think that putting love out into the world means accepting abuse and toxic relationships. Like Kristina, I have had to cut ties with people who were harming me and my family.
It’s difficult to find balance between building community and protecting it! I’m working on creating and protecting safe spaces in my life and my environs, and there is no place at my table for people who choose to bring harm to me or my beloved community. It’s understandable to make mistakes, to have a bad day, to not know better, to lash out in fear– and I will offer grace and forgiveness and a path forward for those who want it– but I cannot tolerate those who consistently hurt people with purpose and deliberateness. I wish those people peace and healing, but not at the expense of the safety of others.
Thank you. Beautifully expressed what we all need to hear.
Thank you, Patty. I appreciate you.
Rachel,
Your beautifully written, insightful words seem to always be impeccably timed to coincide with my life struggles. Perhaps it’s because we’re all more alike than we know.
Thank you for reminding me it’s always best to lead with love. And an open heart. I’ll remember your encouraging words when I sit down this year for thanksgiving dinner and instead of allowing resentment and past hurts to bubble up, I will smile and remind myself we’re all heading in the same direction…
.
This means everything to me, Lori. Thank you.
Profoundly moving. I had to share it on my page. Thank you for all the time, heart and feeling you have put into this piece. I’m sure it isn’t easy to write from that place. But you are positively altering lives and that is important. Probably the most important thing a person can do.
Tracey, I am deeply touched by the understanding & love you have shown me in your beautiful words and sharing of my post. So grateful for this exchange.
The sad thing is we don’t get the chance to sit at the table with my brother in-law and sister in-law. And it breaks my heart. The first Thanksgiving we won’t be together. They have a child and its his first Thanksgiving. We invited them but they won’t come. Please help pray it will soon pass. Lots of hurt going on in the family.
I am so sorry, dear one. This is a very tough, and I pray for peaceful resolution. Holding your hand from afar. Love, Rachel
I want to love the people that have hurt me, all I want is for them to say they are sorry and see me for who I am… My intention has and is to love them anyway, to accept that I will not get an apology or a reason why they acted the way they did. This story was a reminder to love the unloveable, to see beyond what people show you, and to see the blessings everyday in what I have.
Thank for your beautiful article. This year we will have one less loved one around our Thanksgiving table. My precious son in law died unexpectedly 8 months ago. My daughter and her teenage children are grappling with emotions and fear. I’m reminded how very short life is and strive for healing in all relationships. It’s a challenge to let go of past hurts and offenses. But today I CHOOSE LOVE! Thank you for the nudge to release the grudges.
Praying for you, your daughter and your sweet grandchildren (who do not think they are children!) during the holiday.
Bless you, Suzanne!
Thank you for sharing this. What a beautiful story and a good reminder for how I want to live my life.
I am touched. ❤️
Thank you so very much, Rachel. I echo Lori’s comments above. I have been struggling to connect with my boyfriend’s daughter for over two years now. I am attempting to sit down at the table with her today. While I am unsure of what to say or how receptive she will be to my attempt, I feel I need to start somewhere before matters become worse. I needed to read this today and remember only love today, even if awful things spew from her mouth. Thank you, again.
The fact you have not given up speaks volumes about you, Alissa. I am sure this means a great deal to your boyfriend – and to his daughter who is most likely amazed you continue to love despite her unloveableness. I admire you and have gained a something valuable from your comment.
Thank you. Explains why I will sit down this Thanksgiving. with my children and my husband who has decided to leave our marriage. It will not be easy but I will be thinking of this post the whole time. Thank you for continuing to guide me through this tumultuous time in my life with as much grace as possible.
I am inspired by you, dear one. Holding your hand from afar as you take this important step toward peace and positivity for your children.
Grace, deep breaths and blessings to you.
I have practiced this, but I don’t think I can again. I prayed for a year for forgiveness. God really worked on my heart and showed me the deep wounds of the other person. Then that person approached me and apologized. He had a plan for battling through to better behavior. I wrestled with what to do and decided to renew relationship in controlled circumstances. Then, he decided his battle wasn’t working, and he renewed old patterns and hurt the next generation. I don’t want to sit at the table with revilers again.
I have lost many friendships this election. I feel like King David, “I am for peace; they are for war.” When I spoke of my thoughts this election, close friends attacked me viciously. I don’t want to sit at table with those people again. My heart can’t bear more pain.
Dear Ruth, listen to your heart. It sounds like it is telling you what you need to maintain safe and healthy boundaries. I wish you peace, healing, and happiness. You deserve all that and more.
Thank you for this. I need to read it before the holidays and I hope to remember to read it again closer to Christmas when I will be around people that are not easy to be around. Thank you! You have helped me so much over the last couple of years. Happy Thanksgiving!
Thai you. You have helped to heal the bitterness in my heart. Thanks very much!
I am always amazed at the timing of your posts! This one has helped me so very much as I approach a difficult family dinner tomorrow night with people of who have completely different values to mine and who don’t even begin to try to see where I am coming from. Before I read your post my mind was creating ideas of how I could back out of this dinner, without upsetting my children. Now I will face the dinner with my head held high, love and compassion in my heart and the energy to be mindful. Thank you x
Rachel, what a beautiful story! I love how you chose to take that risk by sharing your address… I would’ve been nervous to do that too… but look at the fruit that came from it! That’s amazing that the two of you were able to continue that heartfelt communication. And thank you for the encouragement to make our family dinners about looking ahead and loving the person in front of you, instead of looking behind and worrying about the past. As always, I’ll carry your words with me ? Happy thanksgiving to you and yours!
Rachel, this is so beautiful. We have a very broken family carrying with it abuse. It’s a long story. This terrible thing happened almost 1 1/2 years ago and still I haven’t been able to get my head or heart wrapped around it. I don’t understand it and I can’t talk about it, even after all this time. Nothing about it makes any sense. I’ve been praying about it a lot because I desperately to forgive these people and I need to move past it. They must be in a tremendous amount of pain and suffering to do such deliberately cruel and hateful things. I know that forgiving them will free me and at the same time won’t make me a door mat or put me in the position to be abused again. There is no way we’ll be sitting at a Thanksgiving table together again. But I want in my heart to truly be able to wish them peace and love.
This speaks volumes in a few words. You are making a difference in the lives of wounded children and with compassion the lives of parents are changing for the better. May the years of teaching be as rewarding to you as they were to me. How blessed, to have a career thank makes a difference in the life of another.
this is one of the best and most beautiful things I’ve ever read. And I’ve read a lot 😉
Thank you, thank you xo
Wow! I am deeply honored and touched by this beautiful feedback! Thank you so much! ❤️❤️❤️
Rachel is this storey true ? It seems so unbelievable. Did they really write to you ? I am completely shocked. What an impact you must have had. You know, maybe for that moment the students were more comfortable asking a teacher, knowing a parent wouldn’t come, then be embarrassed. I think it was more safe and free for them and a way to show friendship, respect, and, admiration for a teacher they liked, without stepping out of the traditional roles and in their mind perhaps made fun of ( or whatever kids do to each other). I think, she yelled at you cause in her heart she knew you were safe, and would not retaliate. Perhaps she really wants to yell at someone else, and different words, but is not safe to do so. For that moment she tried to make herself heard in a big voice in the world, maybe something she does not get to do. And said a bunch of things she was used to hearing, but in her heart knew was wrong.
Hi Christine … yes, dear one, this is absolutely true. Like you, I wasn’t sure if *Steven’s mom would actually write to me — but when I got that first letter and read all things on her heart, I felt so grateful that I accepted her request. Interestingly enough, when I taught special ed in Indiana, I had another mother request my address so they could keep in contact when I moved to Florida. I thank God for giving me the gift of encouragement and warmth so that parents did not feel intimidated to ask me if we could be pen pals every time I moved. It seemed like such a small gesture to respond to those letters, but I had a feeling it meant the world to them. Both relationships have taught me so much about being an accepting and loving mother and human being.
I appreciate how you thought through my blog post with such compassion and understanding for Steven’s mother. You inspire me. Thank you for taking the time to comment & share your heart.
This is the best thing I’ve read in a long time. Your heart is inspiring. I’ve always felt it’s important to listen and show compassion, even if we don’t agree, but I have to admit, with all the division and hate going on in the world today, I was starting to lose hope and miss the big picture. Thank you for bringing me back down to Earth and reminding me of why it’s so important to not shut others out, no matter how difficult it can be. Thank you for the lesson who’ve taught me about extending love beyond our pride and expectations.
Wow. This feedback means the world to me! Thank you, Kristyn! I am so happy to know this story gave you hope!!! That is a blessing to me.
Rachel, you have such a beautiful gift for taking your own experiences and opening up about them, bringing us into the circle of your growth and change. thank you for all you give.
Thank you dear Sara! What an affirmation!!!
I needed this today! I just experienced a disagreement and treatment of myself that brought back all the trauma of my childhood. I became angry and offended and wanted to fly back to my husband an grundy kids. They apologized but the apology stung as much as the wrong that has been done. Suddenly I was a little girl being yelled at. I am still not sure how I am going to make it through this week being at their house. I can’t even look them in the eyes. I do plan to sit at the table but it is going to be hard. You gave me a little more strength and I might have to read this every day until I go home. I hope one day to write as powerfully as you do. Thank you and happy Thanksgiving!
Hi Kristianne, I am so sorry that you have been hurt this week and it has caused you to remember and feel the hurts of the past. My dear friend Laura Perry is an abuse survivor and posted this video. I felt compelled to share it with you. Maybe it will help. https://www.facebook.com/sayitsurvivor/videos/1316627628379021/
Here is another valuable article – http://www.theadventurouswriter.com/blog/tips-for-toxic-relatives-how-to-handle-problems-with-family/
Holding your hand from afar, dear one. Love, RMS
Thank you, Rachel. I had steeled myself to spend Thanksgiving with my very astranged family. Now I am ready and defenseless in the best possible way.. Thank you!
So much love and light to you dear, Jenna!
Thank you for your beautiful story and invaluable advice. I wish I could have read your story before I encountered my own “Steven”. Unlike you I handled the situation with him and his family in a very unchristian like way. My reaction has haunted me for over 14 years and I’m sure I will answer for it when I stand before my Savior.
Thanks to your insight, I pray I learn from my mistake and have hope that maybe I did show love to my other students.
I also pray that maybe in some small way “Steven” has found joy in his life and that I may have had a small part in that.
With love and prayers,
Shannon S. Nodine
Beautifully written , thank you .
Your have an amazing gift.
My “sitting at the table” meant reaching out first…
Thank you.
Oh goodness, this made me cry, sweet Regina. I am inspired by you. Thank you, thank you for reaching out first … and letting us know that you did. I shall follow your lead.
I £love your advice. You have wisdom beyond belief! You have helped me with a family situation I’m having right now & you are just what the world needs. God first then Rachel. ?
Oh my goodness, you have MADE MY DAY! Thank you for such a beautiful affirmation. You have blessed me!!!
yes yes yes!
This is my hearts cry- Just show up! <3 absolutely beautiful