“What if I had your heart?
What if you wore my scars?
How would we break down?
What if you were me and what if I were you?
What if you told my lies?
What if I cried with your eyes?
Could anyone keep us down?
What if you were me and what if I were you?”
-Five for Fightng, What If
When my daughter Avery gets strep throat, she celebrates. She rejoices in full force because she cannot go to school until she’s had her antibiotics for 24 hours, yet she feels perfectly fine.
It’s a win-win.
That was precisely the case on this memorable day. With one dose of Amoxicillin down the hatch, she began her celebration. She announced to no one in particular that she would be having “alone time with Mom” while her medicine worked its magic and made her “stref throat un-contagious.”
I accepted the fact that I would not get much work accomplished that day, but I knew I would be enlightened in other ways. This particular child has that way about her.
After getting an ID tag for our cat Banjo, we headed to Avery's favorite fast-food restaurant. While I stood and line and ordered, she chose a cozy booth in the back. Within minutes, the server slid my tray of food across the counter towards me. As I reached for the tray, a young man wearing a pristine shirt with the restaurant logo stepped forward. With a solemn expression he asked, “May I carry it?”
The man’s tone was unfriendly and lacked emotion, but his eyes said otherwise. I could have very well carried that tray myself, but I felt the need to oblige. I could tell he wanted to assist and I should accept.
The tall young man with sandy brown hair stiffly carried our food to the table. Along the way, I asked him how his day was going. His mechanical use of pat phrases reminded me of some of the students I taught in special education.
He sat down the tray in front of my daughter, and I smiled and thanked him. He did not smile back but simply nodded and strode off to see if other customers needed assistance.
“Is he special, Mama?” my daughter asked curiously while opening her ketchup. For years she’s heard so many stories about my former students with behavioral and learning difficulties that she can actually refer to them by name.
“Yes, he is. His job is to carry trays, put trash in trashcans, refill drinks, and things like that,” I explained.
As she inserted her straw into the creamy milkshake, she smiled brightly, “I am glad he has that job. Out of all the jobs in a restaurant, I think the helper job is the perfect job for him,” she said confidently before taking a long sip.
A few minutes later, the young man came back and asked if I needed a refill on my drink. I told him I would love a refill and what beverage I was drinking.
“Remove the lid,” he said robotically.
With short, quick strides he returned with a cup that was filled to the brim. Because it had no lid, the soda spilled when he set the cup down. The look of distress filled his eyes and his face became flushed. I grabbed my napkin before the liquid could drip onto my lap.
I was just about to say it was okay, but my child beat me to the punch. And her response was far better than what I was planning to say. “That happens to me,” she said looking straight into the young man’s face with a reassuring smile.
She did not say the usual, “It’s okay,” or “Don’t worry about it.”
She said, “That happens to me.”
Who knew such love, compassion, understanding, and human kindness could be contained in four simple words?
The waiter looked down shyly, and I detected a slight sigh of relief. When he left, my daughter repeated her initial thoughts about the man. “I am glad he has that job. He is good at his job.”Apparently a little spilled soda didn’t make him any less of a good helper in her eyes.
A few minutes later, I carried our tray to the trash receptacle. Because she’d spent most of her time drinking the milkshake, Avery’s full glass of ice water went untouched. Much to my dismay, the paper cup tipped and hit the floor with a thud. As ice cubes and water spread across the floor, my eyes searched for our helpful friend. Unfortunately, he was nowhere to be found. Instead, a waitress came from behind the counter to survey the damage. She did not try to hide her displeasure.
“I am very sorry,” I said sincerely. “Luckily, it’s just water,” I added.
With a disapproving shake of her head, the waitress turned on her heel, probably to fetch a mop. There I stood in the middle of what was now a pretty good-sized puddle. I suddenly felt very small and slightly embarrassed. I was back in middle school, all eyes on the one who clumsily dropped her tray on the cafeteria floor.
The side door that lead to the drive-thru line suddenly burst open and there appeared the young man. Oddly, he didn’t even glance at the spill. Instead he looked directly into my eyes and said, “It’s all good.”
Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure his employee training didn’t include that line. Oh no, that line came straight from the heart.
It’s all good.
I looked down at my shoes, now dripping with moisture. The water had made its way around chair legs and into tile cracks. But when I looked at the way the liquid spread across the floor with absolutely no boundaries, a beautiful thought came to mind:
Compassion spreads.
Compassion is contagious.
Just a few minutes prior to my H2O disaster, a little girl with uncombed hair and a milkshake mustache had offered kindness to a young man working hard at his job. When he made a mistake, she stepped into the mess with him by letting him know she makes mistakes too. Little did I know, he would offer kindness back to me when I was in need of a little compassion and understanding.
We are all just waiting for someone to notice—notice our pain, notice our scars, notice our fear, notice our joy, notice our triumphs, notice our courage.
And the one who notices is a rare and beautiful gift.
I'd once written those words about Avery and her perceptive way of seeing the world and those around her. But in that moment, I knew there was more to that theory:
The one who notices and responds with empathy can create a ripple effect. Because compassion spreads … compassion is contagious.
I suddenly faced an uncomfortable truth about myself. I know how important it is to respond with empathy, but in my daily life I often forget the power of compassion. Among the busyness and the hurry, honest mistakes became bigger deals than they actually are. Among the daily distractions and pressures, small blunders are treated like major catastrophes. How easy it is to sigh with exasperation as if my whole day is ruined by one tiny mistake that might inconvenience my life for a whole two minutes. How easy it is to forget that I make mistakes too.
As Avery and I walked hand in hand through the restaurant parking lot, it was clear why I felt so inclined to pay attention that day. It was so I could write the following manifesto and try my best to live it each and every day I am blessed to be alive:
Let us notice each other’s pain and ambivalence.
Even if we are different.
Even if we don’t wear the same clothes.
Even if we don’t have the same job or the same IQ.
Because in our hearts, we are more alike than we are different.
Let us acknowledge each other’s slip-ups and failures with compassion and grace.
Even if it does cause a mess.
Even if it takes a moment of our time.
Even if it’s the last thing we feel like doing.
Because in our eyes, we are all just looking for someone to stand beside us in our mess.
Let us respond with patience to the mistakes of our children.
Even if we’ve never made such a mistake.
Even if we saw it coming.
Even if we are at our wit’s end.
Because in our memory banks, we can all remember standing in the school cafeteria with the eyes of judgment upon us.
Let us notice when someone is struggling to get it right, fit in, or please.
Even if it’s not perfect.
Even if their hands shake.
Even if someone else does it far better.
Because in our souls, we are all hungry for acceptance.
Today my goal is to take a page from Avery’s book:
to rejoice in the day ahead
to notice and respond compassionately to efforts and emotions
to let no one stand alone in their mess by saying, “That happens to me too.”
Will you join me? I believe these aspirations, carried out individually and collectively, have the power to heal what ails the world.
*************************************************
The story you just read is an excerpt from my second book, HANDS FREE LIFE. Through truthful storytelling and nine life-changing Habit Builders, I show readers how to respond to their loved ones and themselves with more patience, presence, acceptance, and love despite daily distractions and societal pressures. Gifting someone with one of my books is a huge blessing to me. It helps my publisher know my work is valued and should continue. I have also written HANDS FREE MAMA which answers the questions many people ask after visiting my site such as, “How do let go of my distractions and scale back my over-scheduled life?” and “How can I find my long-lost joy?” My third book, ONLY LOVE TODAY: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, and Choose Love, releases on 3/7 and is currently available for pre-order.
For other meaningful and unique gifts for the holidays, please check out the leather bracelets, metal cuffs, hand-lettered prints, and vintage t-shirts in the Hands Free Shop — they are excellent visual reminders that love makes good things possible. Thank you for being part of The Hands Free Revolution community. I cherish your love and support.
I love your posts, but especially those about your younger daughter. She sounds like such an amazing little person 🙂 What a lucky mama you are!
Thank you, Amy! I have learned so much about living a meaningful life by watching her live. I feel blessed to share her nuggets of wisdom with my readers. Thanks for the kind words.
Like your daughter my son who is 7 has always been a kind soul. He even put me in my place recently when I was getting impatient with a slow moving elderly person at the shops and he whispered to me “They can’t help it mummy”. Talk about getting a wake up call from your child! Sometimes we are all in such a hurry all the time and get so irritated we don’t really see what’s really going on. He always sees the best and beauty in everything and every one and I envy it so much!! I love how they see everything as new and amazing. I envy that too! I swear he was born that way. Already I see kids his age who won’t play with another kid because they dress funny or something like that. My son just sees a potential playmate and nothing else. I really hope he stays like that!! Like your daughter he often says I look pretty even when I look like the walking dead in the mornings haha!! I really enjoyed your article.
I agree….Each is very lucky to have the other. I just hope that Rachel will continue to write so honestly when her daughter is separating from her, so that other parents can realize it’s not them….It’s supposed to happen.
Beautifully stated. Compassion is so important. Your emotional response when it wasn’t shown is telling of how important it is. May your daughter feel empowered to be be compassionate the rest of her life and continue to lead others onto the path.
Thank you for the insight you added, as well as the lovely hopes for my daughter. You are so kind.
Thank you for this. I look for your posts daily, one of my four is a “noticer” too. Some days it was hard for me in my hurry up and get it done mentality to give her the time to be her. Thank you for helping me become “Hands Free”. The joy on her face when we can just be is amazing:)
I love to read the efforts you are making for your Noticer, Jennifer. I know from first-hand experience it requires great patience, but the rewards are immeasurable. I am so glad you can see it on her face. Thanks for sharing this journey with me.
Rachel, I just love reading your posts, they are so uplifting and encouraging. I feel such a sense of sadness & regret however because my little people aren’t little anymore. After sending my oldest off to college this Fall I find myself longing to go back, to do it better. I feel like its too late to make a positive impact on their impressionable minds because they are teens & pre-teens. No more sweet little people who want to spend time with me or even time with the family. How do we move past the pain of regret?
Hi Kristy, thank you for asking. Such an important question. When I wrote my book, I dedicated a chapter to this very topic. Once I began changing my distracted ways, I saw clearly how much I had missed out on. I was overwhelmed with regret. I came to realize that continually berating myself over what I missed was a waste of time–in fact, it was causing me to miss the gifts of today. Therefore, self-forgiveness and healing have been just as much a part of this journey as have my difficult truths. I hope the following post that I linked below will inspire you to let go of the mistakes of yesterday so you can focus on living and loving today. By the way, I have a few young adults who write to me. They say that they wish their parents had known them better as they grew up, but that if they were to reach out today, it wouldn’t be too late.
http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/07/17/the-distracted-person-i-was-and-still-am/
Loved the beautiful talk of healing yourself. I have grown children but I try to instill this thought process since I believe I was a rusher and impatient. I with just trying to make it through with 5 young children by this process not knowing its’ damage.
Another great post,thank you! I also have older children and need to hear “that happens to me” from some one who has been through the teen years separation process that a previous person commented on. Do you know of anyone who writes as beautifully as you that has already passed through those waters?
And thank you for introducing me to Five for Fighting!!
Thanks, friend. You might find Katrina Kenison fits the bill. Her children are college age. She is a beautiful writer who inspires me to see the gifts in each day. There is a tab that says “parenting” on her site that I bet you could find some great insight. Best of luck to you. Thanks for being here. http://www.katrinakenison.com
P.S. Love Five for Fighting — their lyrics always make me stop and think … and feel inspired about the world. xo
I love the way your daughter reminds you that usually all outings have the potential to be something quite special if we choose to be “really” there, the way she reminds you that “Life is Great”, among other things. I love the way our kids teach us something everyday and how this parenting path is all about learning, noticing, caring… I love the way parents learn as much from our kids as they learn from us. My daughter reminds me everyday how she can be so happy with simply things, how spending along time with Mommy is the best time in the world, how riding her scooter to the supermarket is such a great experience. Thanks again for your beautiful post, for sharing your journey and let your daughter remind us the power of compassion.
Venestina
I love this message, Venestina. One of the reasons I feel compelled to share the gifts of my children is so that others might begin to see the gifts in their own children. As a teacher, I loved to point out the strengths in my students to their parents. I just loved the look on the parents’ faces when they saw their child’s strength in a new light. Thank you for sharing.
I recently found your blog. I don’t really follow blogs, but yours speaks to me so powerfully. Each of your posts are to me, like the TV series “Parenthood”. I also don’t watch much TV either, but that show, I make a point to tape because it touches me to my very core. I can not watch an episode without laughing and crying. The same goes for each of your posts. I always find myself tearing up at some point every single time. I thought maybe it was PMS one week, but alas, it’s every single week for the last month or so that I have been reading your posts. THANK YOU. I have a “special” sister and I really loved reading this touching story. Please don’t ever stop blogging. You have a gift and your are touching more people than you probably will ever know.
Thank you, Sarah. Happy tears in my eyes as I read your beautiful message today. Hugs to you & your sister. xo
thanks for this. after reading some of your posts, I’ve tried to slow down a bit with my daughter (age 7) who HATES when i constantly remind her of our schedule and her lateness.. Tears came to my eyes when after dropping and breaking many cups and being sighed over and reminded to be careful – my daughter spilt some drink and immediately looked crushed and started bursting into tears.. Looking at me, she expected me to look at her with angry, furrowed brows and to say “see, i told you that would happen!” When i saw her crestfallen face and her expectant eyes, your posts reminded me that it really was nothing.. especially nothing compared to her fear and sadness. She immediately brightened when i reminded her that we ‘don’t cry over spilt milk!’ I hadn’t realized how much she had internalized my scoldings. I didn’t and don’t want to be that mom. It’s one thing for me to say that we shouldn’t sweat the small stuff, I have to remember to act that way, too! Your posts are my little reminders!
Everytime I read your posts, I’m uplifted.
They remind me why I choose to see the positive sides of things, even when times are dark. Thank you again for sharing your journey, the love that your girls have & their joy in each day.
You are a blessing!
Yes, a blessing.
That is so funny, my dad is suffering from Alzheimer’s, and sometimes when he can’t do something, I will say that happens to me all the time.
Rachel, I love this entry! I have no doubt that your daughter(s) have compassion because you certainly have that gift! Thanks for making us all more aware that our compassion and caring spreads!
Wow, your younger daughter is no less than an amazing gift to this world. Every time you write about her, I feel like I just want to go hang out with her – if only for a few hours – to just absorb her energy and let it infiltrate my life. How wise she is! I have been reading your blog for a few months now, and this is by far one of my favorites. Thank you for being willing to share your family with me and for making me see my life and family in a different way.
I don’t know if you’ve caught wind of this story, but…proof that compassion & kindness is catchy:
http://psbehrend.psu.edu/news-events/news/pumpkin-spice-lattes-warm-hearts-spread-joy-in-memory-of-alyssa-ajo
I’ve been reading your posts for a while now, and am so moved by so many. But for some reason I had to stop today and say thank you. My heart is bursting and my eyes brimming with tears after reading your word. Thank you for moving me.
Beautiful story 🙂 Thank you for sharing <3
I have to tell you what a help you’ve been!
I have your book already ordered for when it comes out!
Thank you for all your tips and being so transparent!
Suzanne Conant
Helping Families Work From Home
http://www.OnMomsTime.com
915-667-2137
You know how sometimes you read something that is right on time? Something that you feel you were almost meant to see at that moment? I loved your post for so many reasons. Thank you for sharing, and thank you for taking the reminder to be “all there” with our children.
I will admit… I have a lot of work to contend with and I was hesitant on viewing this entry, actually thinking in my head that it may be focused on your book. But when I read this, I had to fully retract.
This reminds me exactly of my 9 year old dgt whom I’ve always called “The Observer”. She has ginormous eyes, which really stood out when she was a baby due to her bald head! She was never a belly-laugher like my 8 yr old son, she would just soak everything in. She has continued to observe & process & respond in kindness. We review daily acts of kindess in our house & I hope that my dgt continues to observe/notice all around her & continue to take action. (They both do).
I in turn, just reflected on myself & noticed that while I try to be kind, I lack a lot in patience sometimes. While I try to be very positive & do the right thing, I’m sometimes negative & lazy. Just the other night my daughter wanted me to tell her a story after I read them one & I was too tired to even think so I tucked her in & went downstairs. And your blog came to mind. I told myself I would go back upstairs on a commercial (when I could’ve just paused the dvr). While I got an extra snuggle with my son, my dgt was already asleep. I apologized to her the next morning & told her I would give her 2 stories. That night I gave her 5.
Being aware… noticing… observing… IS a gift. But we can all use some daily reflections on ourselves as well. Thank you for prompting this for me today. And I apologize for my initial negative reaction. When I got to the end of the post, I was absolutely delighted to see the update on your book. I will send extra positive vibes to you & wish you tremendous, well-deserved success. Your blog is fabulous.
Wow. “That happens to me too…”
I have said this phrase and now I really know its secret power. Your posts always make me cry so I have to know that wiping tears is just part of the gift of your words, and deal with it. your daughter’s old soul sweetness is a gift. I have a daughter (10) who is a lot like your cutie, her name is Faith. Hugs to you.
Cathy
Hi there Rachel
Congratulations on your up in coming book
I normally when purchasing books will look for a discount or a place to purchase in used condition but for you, your family and myself I am going to buy this book at Amazon!!!
Warmest
thank you
Kobie
I would say what a lucky mama you are (and you are) but I think the luckier ones are your babies. What an unexpected gift it is to them to have you in their lives undoubtedly making it more natural and instinctive to be present as they navigate their way. To notice. To care. To not be too busy. To not be so self-involved. I read today’s post and the floodgates, long held closed and bottled up, splintered open. And the Five for Fighting song? Unreal. We all need your book. Congratulations on having what matters finally recognized and celebrated. Soak it in.
I love your posts. I look forward to them and they have changed my life. I have recently become a stay at home mom and I was struggling to adjust. Your blog has helped me soo much, there are no words to explain or thank you. It was difficult to smell the roses when I was constantly playing catch up, running like a chicken without a head, lol. I was a teacher for ten years and how I wish I would have been able to apply your blog in my career as a I have now with my family. Your youngest reminds me if my kindergartner Sophia. For the past couple if days she’s been waking up saying she doesn’t want to go to school. I don’t know her teacher very well, as school just started but I feel she would really benefit from your posts. How do you recommend I share them with her? How do I approach her?
This was so beautiful…I have a “noticer” too…I’ve never actually said it quite that way, but when I read this, it described my oldest son perfectly. He can be quite the hand-full at times (taking up any “free hands” I may have had) but he has such a tender gentle way sometimes, and notices EVERYTHING (from the heart-shaped rocks he collects for me, to morel mushrooms no one else can see, to what is being spoken in his presence, to a friend scared to leave their mom at school so he joins him in the hallway)…it melts all those challenging times away. Thank you for reminding me of all the beauty and wisdom that can be found in living a slower pace of life that allows time to “notice.”
Beautiful.
Your daughter is amazing. What a lesson can be learned from people of all ages. She is an amazing person, but that doesn’t come all on it’s own, it’s also a result of amazing parenting. Thank you for the beautiful inspiring words that bring tears to my eyes.
Compassion is contagious! Excellent!
Thank you for this, I cried… as a single momma going through a really rough time with court battles and bad living accommodation, I can really relate to this. To often I am so stressed out that I get upset at my boy for things that really don’t matter that much. I will take the time to be more aware of this in the future <3
I just read your writing today and it actually reflects I situation I recently went with my daughter and someone else…
You know… sometimes you are just not a perfect person for a friendship full of prejudice and perfection: “Lovely commercial sugar family, what a fake world”… At the end of the day you simply realize you are a person that makes mistakes, but mistakes bring the better of you… Learning!!
The worst is not to know that someone doesn’t like your child… or maybe you are just do not have a perfect family: What it hurts the most is listening to your child asking: “Mommy why he does not like me”? I do feel like saying: Because he is stupid and he does not deserve to be around an amazing girl!!
Thanks for reminding me of the amazing little gurus that live alongside us in life. I consistently ignore their sweet meditations on the beauty of simple little things in life–a frog in the driveway as we are rushing to the car to take off for someplace, or a Gibbous moon. Leksi is 8, so smart and full of innate wisdom, my son John Carl is 5 and at times, seems to be channeling some 80 year old Rabbi:) I am going to make an effort to stop placing emphasis on the finished report, or conference call and start appreciating the miracles before me. When I gave birth to my first at 40 and my 2nd at 43, I vowed I’d never forget the incredible gift I’d been given–seems like I need a reminder of how amazing they are–thank you for that!
This is the best thing I have read all day, and the best article I will probably read this week. How I wish I had paid more attention to my children as a young father! The mistakes I made, the years I wasted thinking my work was more important than my home.
I adore your daughter, and I adore you. That is all.
Wonderful and perfectly-timed post! And, a HUGE congratulations to you on making the Amazon bestsellers lists BEFORE the book is even released!! WOW!! 🙂
Lovely story! It really touched me. So beautiful and a message that will change the world.
Thank you. Just thank you for the meaning behind everything you write. As an educator and a mom, your words always leave me with a better perspective. I’ve never felt compelled to write to anyone, but I am positive I need you to know your words make a difference.
What a sweet article. It brought tears to my eyes multiple times. xoxo So nice.
Thank you for such an uplifting post. Your daughter has such a sweet kind nature. I love it when you write about her – it reminds me to do the same with my little girls.
Beautiful post and beautiful song. Thank you. I need a hanky now.
You have an absolutely amazing gift!! You touch so many with your words. Thank you <3
Thank you for this post! I read several blogs, this post is the first that had me in tears, never has that happened before. Your daughter is a beautiful soul and you equally as beautiful for seeing and celebrating her. Thank you so much, for reminding me again of the “little things”. So often my children bare the brunt of my pace. Those little mistakes do often become catastrophies, and later I feel such sadness at what my behaviour did to all our emotions. I only found your blog a few months back but it/you/your stories are so inspiring. I placed this post on my bookmarks bar, because I want to re-read it regularly. Thanks so much. PS-will your book be available as an e-book?
Thanks, friend. You might find Katrina Kenison fits the bill. Her children are college age. She is a beautiful writer who inspires me to see the gifts in each day. There is a tab that says “parenting” on her site that I bet you could find some great insight. Best of luck to you. Thanks for being here. http://www.katrinakenison.com
This was a stunning read. I was absolutely brought to tears because this reminds me so very much of my own 3 1/2 yr old daughter. I hope she grows to be every inch of compassionate and wise as your dear Noticer.
I think it’s easy to see how your daughter is a Noticer, apple and tree my friend, you see such beauty in her so often. Glad you choose to share it with us 🙂
Your children amaze me every week. Their depth of perception and compassion are clearly learned from you and your husband, and it is uplifting to read!
God speaks through you. You amaze me.
awesome post…as always inspiring and bringing out the best
I really loved learning more about your little girl. What an angel. (And I love her smile!) Thanks for sharing such a sweet moment.
I thank God for you. I really do. Your words are always what I need to hear. I think that I have a noticer… a 6 year old cheerful, fliberty-gibbit of a guy who breezes into the room and speaks too loudly but has so much to say. His joy and exuberance is slightly hyper-ish, and all of this can set my teacher type A self on edge, esp at the end of a long day. But I know that my grandmothers would tell me to train him up (prune him gently like a tree), but to enjoy and cultivate him too. The pruning come naturally… the cultivating does too, but Lord have mercy ACTIVE kids can he kind of embarrassing at times… It’s such a balance. Thank you for pulling me more in the direction that is helpful to cultivating my son and really myself. I don’t want a haphazard child and I don’t want to be a haphazard mom. Sending love!
I have just now been introduced to your blog and I’m delighted to find it! Your writing is so natural and honest, it’s like chatting over the fence with a cup of coffee in hand. I’m eager to read more…I feel like I’ve just made a new best friend!!
Cheers from my lovely home town of Victoria, British Columbia, Canada!!
Pamela
Pamela Jessen, when I was a little girl, I dreamed (and hoped) for the day I’d be a grown-up woman and could chat over the fence with a friend and a cup of coffee! You just reminded me of that! I thought that would be when I’d arrive at true adulthood. Funny how we think, sometimes. But I *still* wish I had a best friend, just over the fence, to talk to…so it’s nice to be able to talk with you, Rachel, and other moms and grandmas, right here. I guess it’s the next best thing. 🙂
What a beautiful sentiment! Thank you, Heidi!
Thanks you so much for this blog. This particular article has verbalized my thoughts on my eldest daughter, age 5, (unbrushed hair and all!). I try with all my might to slow down and listen and I really enjoyed this piece today.
This is the first, but certainly will not be the last, of your posts I’ve had the pleasure to read. (even if I am tearing up at the moment!)
Thank you. It makes me appreciate the traits my 10yo shares that much more.
Thank you, Laura. That is a lovely compliment. I am grateful you took a moment to tell me.
Beautiful post. Sometimes it is too easy to disregard what our children say but its so important to ackowledge their wisdom.
Rachel, I read this with teary eyes this morning, my 8 year old daughter is so much like your’s. We had school pictures this morning, but she was so pre occupied with her birthday gifts from yesterday, she kept looking them over & not doing the things she needed to get done (long hair takes forever to style ya know) I ended up getting very upset with her that we didn’t have enough time to curl her hair, we had to tie it back, which she could care less about how her hair looks. I told her I was disappointed in her, that I wanted her school pictures to look nice, then I noticed a tear in her eye. I feel so bad, because, like you said, it was something that I wanted, it wasn’t important really. Her pokiness this morning inconvienanced me, but why….for time to make her hair look perfect?! I really need to try harder with more patience & letting things go, thank you for all your wonderful reminders 🙂 I need you 🙂
Thank you for your realness, Kristen. I have been in THAT exact same predictament on school picture day. I don’t know when it happened, but sometime during my Hands Free journey I was able to let go of my quest for her to look perfect in her pictures. Like you said in your heartfelt comment, I realized it was about me, not her. She started doing her own hair about a year ago. It pained me to see her walk out of the house with her hair sometimes looking like a bird’s nest in the back, but she was SO proud to have done it herself. Now, she has become quite skilled at doing hair. I am sure that wouldn’t have happened if I had insisted on doing it for her.
I hope you won’t beat yourself up too much over this morning. The fact that you had the awareness that you did is significant. This awareness, although painful at times, is what helps us make different choices next time. I am so glad you are here to share this journey with me.
P.S. When I finished writing the post, I realized it was really long. 2,000 words!As I edited, I thought about cutting out the whole section about getting ready to go. But then I thought someone might be trying to let go of the need for perfect hair and appearance, so I am just going to leave it. I am so glad I did. Thank you for the confirmation to keeping writing by heart.
Oh my goodness — I am typing this through tears after reading that unbelievably sweet post! What a beautiful message (“Compassion is contagious.”) And what an incredible little girl you have — so insightful! Please give her a hug for me — we need more people like her in the world! 🙂
Always so beautiful, and so beautifully timed!!! Thank you for starting the contagious spread of compassion with your stories of your daughter’s beautiful heart. She must get it from her mama!!! 🙂
Thank you for sharing your beautiful insight 🙂
Your posts continue to inspire me, often when I need inspiration the most. It’s not easy to slow down in this frenetic world. Thank you for inspiring me, again.
Two bonuses today! I had a chance to read your wonderful story and it always hits home with me in such a profound way….AND I can order your book on Amazon now wohoo!!!!
You are amazing, keep your words coming they make a difference !
Thanks for the smile you gave me and the loving words of support. Just what I needed today, friend.
Awww man my eyes were leaking everywhere! Such a beautiful post and such a gorgeous and yet important message. Thank you for sharing it Xxx
Hi there. Your post has reached all the way to Malaysia. I was immensely touched by your little sweetheart’s comments and actions. Sometimes we need the little innocent ones to put us in our place. We forget. Please do share more stories about your Noticer, I for one do need constant reminding on my journey here on earth to be more compassionate, show more empathy and above all show more love. Am sure the world needs it.
I have been following your blog for a few weeks now. My reading time is always at my desk at work, and there has not been a story that I’ve read that doesn’t bring tears to my eyes. Not only do you have wonderful things to say, but you say them in such an eloquent, beautiful, and genuine way. Thank you for sharing your life. It is an inspiration! God bless you, your family, and your journey.
Thank you for taking the time to tell me these very encouraging things, Brittany. It really means a great deal to me and fuels my writing. Blessings to you, as well.
I needed to read this today . . . I am not patient with my kids’ mistakes like I should be. Yesterday it was smoothie all over my clean kitchen floors, this morning orange juice on the way to school – I react in frustration and I’m ashamed of that. Thanks for the encouragement to do better.
Thank you for your posts. I have a noticer too, and she is four years old. I don’t think I would have realized that about her without reading your posts. She sounds so much like your daughter, and your words have helped me to understand and enjoy my daughter so much more, so thank you for that!
Wow! This is so meaningful to me! THank you for letting me know. Please give your sweetie a hug for me today! Tell her she is a gift to the world!
Call me crazy, this coming straight from heart, and it is flowing straight to heart. Above all it heals. It is true we are all looking for A NOTICER like this little angel. Thank so much you Rachel.
You are the sweetest, Abdissa! Thank YOU for making me smile.
Gosh, I can’t stop crying….I can’t help but think that if we all had this kind of compassion and noticed each other a little more that we might solve our gun control issue….what we need is more people to notice how many people are hurting and just need someone to know that “that happens to me too……”
Thank you. That’s a very hopeful thought. It is my hope too. Let us all be noticers today.
This is one of the most inspiring pieces I’ve read in a long time. -sarah, managing editor, mamalode http://www.mamalode.com
Wow, Sarah! You really know how to make someone’s day. I love Mamalode! Thank you for the lovely compliment!
This is such a lovely post. Your daughter sounds like a remarkable person!
I have just been introduced to your blog by Ali Edwards, and I am looking forward to exploring. Love this sweet story about your daughter, she sounds a little like mine. Especially the part about remembering where I parked the car! My daughter is twelve, and our relationship is evolving a bit, to say the least. I will read your words again when I need a reminder to just notice her.
Thank you, Cathy! I ADORE Ali–she has been such an incredible source of support to me! I am so glad you are here. Thank you for taking the time to tell me.
I found your blog when I read Ali Edwards’ post this morning.
My cousin was special, too. He had that very same job in Colorado Springs for many years before he passed away.
I used to see him every Sunday growing up, then when we were both about 13, he moved with his mom to Colorado. I only saw him once after that, in 1982 or so. The next time I saw him was when he died.
He brought such joy to my life, even from far away. He took such joy in helping others, in doing for others, in not worrying about the little things that bog us all down in our every day…
Your daughter is a gift, a gift to everyone who read your post today. That she can see the good in that young man, the value in that young man, and teach it to you, and us, so innocently –
I wish you lived near me so I could know you and your daughter in real life. Know now that I am a new subscriber, my heart caught by a little blonde girl. I’ll be playing catch up on your posts and I promise to learn from her today, just like you did, and just like her special friend did…
You have blessed me with your story and with your beautiful words. I feel honored to know you began walking alongside me on this life-changing journey. We can learn so much from each other. So glad you are here.
Hi! I found you via Ali Edwards. Your blog is so inspiring. I feel a little embarrassed because I’m not always a good noticer. Today I’m going to work on that and encourage my kids to do the same. :O)
More tears of joy. Your words make my heart overflow with appreciation. Thank you!
Wow, Rachel … I just want to thank you. I sit here with tears of gratitude streaming down my face – gratitude that you and your children are here to remind us all of our humanness, of our capacity for love and compassion. I LOVE your stories of your children and the wisdom you share together. My children are now in their 20’s and living happily and independently. I too remember making the decision that nothing could be as important as learning how to Be with them and live soul to soul… and relax the role to role expectations. In fact, the challenges my children presented prompted me to dive deeply into this world of how to be a happier parent…to the extent of creating a book and program to share…and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made. Thank you for returning us all to what is most important! And congrats on your Amazon rating!
I LOVE your blog each time I read your blog it hits home and my heart literally hurts when I feel like you are writing about me at the time same I feel like I’m so thankful that I am not alone. I wish I had something with all your beautiful stories that I can read and remind myself daily how life is short and the ones that matter REALLY matter not the small stuff. Thank you I’m proud of how far you have come!
Thank you, Heidi. This means so much to me! I am excited to say that at the end of every chapter of my book, there is precisely what you asked for–short powerful reminders for daily life to keep focus on what truly matters life. Those are my favorite sections of the book and I imagine people ripping those pages out and hanging these reminders on their mirror or on their nightstand. I have needed daily reminders on this journey so I wanted to make them part of my book. I am so happy you said that. What a blessing to me today.
It is late now and really I should be preparing for bed. The 5:00 a.m. alarm comes pretty fast when you are 59 and have an hour plus commute. But I discovered your blog today and can’t stop reading. I’ve shared your “Six Words You Should Say Today” with over a dozen friends and families. I preordered your book, January can’t come soon enough. And now this post “That Happens to Me” filled my heart beyond measure. My daughter has three children. The oldest and youngest have Down syndrome. Bless you. Bless your daughter.
Thank you, my friend. You have just improved my day immeasurably. Bless you and your family.
Avery stories always make my day.
Thank you, my dearest friend. I miss you.
Yesterday a good friend of mine posted a story from your blog called Taking Away My Daughters Smile on facebook. I read it and was amazed that it sounded so so much like myself. I have 3 kids, my oldest is 13 and my daughter is 5 and my other son is 2. My 2 year old picks his lip! I’m pretty sure you have people telling you that they can relate to your posts all the time. But when I read that story it hit home for me. I printed it off and took it home for my husband to read. And even he was shocked at how much it sounded like our family. I feel like someone finally understands me and the things that I feel and think about. I recognize that there is a problem and I want to be a better parent but I need to take the steps to learn to let go. I just dont know where to start. Reading your post gives me so much hope. And I dont feel like I am the only one anymore! I feel like finally someone gets what Im going through! You are truly an inspiration for me and I feel like this is the start of a great change for me and my family!
Thank you for letting me know how my story touched your life, Adriane. This means more than you could ever know. I am touched that you discussed it with your husband. I think that talking it through as a family is a huge step in a positive direction. Just remember to give yourself credit for the little ways you are trying to let go of distraction and perfection in your life–it is a journey and every day there will be ups and downs. And when you mess up, apologize and try better the next moment. There is so much hope in your message, Adriane. I see a bright future for you and your family. With love, Rachel
You have already helped me and my family in a huge way. When things are getting stressful my husband and I will remind each other by saying weeds or flowers. My kids look at each other like weeds and flowers???! Lol!
But its a start. Finding your blog is such a blessing. Thank you for being you Rachel
Thank you for making my day. 🙂
I have begun my Hands Free journey and this is something I want to work on specifically. Would you know that even the smallest of children will obey a parent faster and respect him or her more if that parent speaks to that child in this “That happens to me too” tone and attitude? Thank you for putting beautiful words to what I have been feeling lately. Now I can see what I am aiming for. God bless you and your family – and the success of your book!
This is such a wake up call for me. Sometimes you get so caught up with everything that is going on in your life that you stop noticing…………..People have to throw a stone to make you stop! You daughter is a wonderful child and sometimes it takes children to make us adults understand that it is ok to make mistakes!
So here I am on a Saturday morning with tears streaming down my face. Your other post “Taking away my daughters smile” really spoke to me, too. You write so beautifully, your words really make me think about ways I can be a more accepting, tolerant, lovely mummy. Thank you.
I thought of you immediately last night, when, for the first time, my 6 yr old son said to me before bed “Mama, you have too much screen time”. He couldn’t have been more right. I immediately put my phone down and told him just that, and also that I would do better. My goal is to now keep that promise!
How beautiful that you were able to take your son’s words as a loving reminder — not as something to defend or justify. This says a lot about you, Robin. I see a promising and positive change ahead. Thank you for taking time to share & inspire.
Another tear jerking post. Every one of your posts make me cry in a good way. In a way where I can see hope, compassion and inspiration in a sometimes bleak world. You give the ray of light much needed. Thank you for sharing your inspiration. Also thank you for raising such amazing children.
Thanks for another welcome reminder of how I want to be loving toward myself and my children. I catch myself being unkind and it is such a challenge to just be. I love that acceptance in the phrase “I do that too” – because to fully accept it, we have to LOVE OURSELVES.
God how I hate that standing in the cafeteria alone feeling. Still sucks.
Thank you for always injecting humanity and insight into my day. I am a registered nurse who works full time and have a 3yo son. I try every day to be still, be in the moment, be there for my clients and my family. But I am human and finite and get tired, hangry, cranky, too. Just reading these words of acceptance, “that happens to me, too”, have brought my heart much comfort today, when I am feeling world weary. Sending you so much love and gratitude for all the light you bring. xo
Beautiful post. Thank you for sharing.
I have liked the way your daughter has been brought up. She is so kind and loving in nature. You’re a good mom.
Thank you. That means a lot to me.
Rachel your words always touch me so deeply! As a special education teacher, I have to practice this each day! Also, with my own children. Thanks as always for sharing such beautiful words!