‘Cause I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It's always darkest before the dawn.
-Florence and the Machine
You turned 13 years old this week, my beautiful daughter.
I can’t help but feel celebratory and hopeful when I look at you.
It hasn’t always been that way. For many years, I looked at you and saw the damage I’d done. I saw the traits I didn’t like in myself—ones I’d inadvertently passed down to you.
too impatient
too controlling
too worry wart
too task driven
too rushed
too independent
too overreacting
too secretive
too sensitive
too perfectionistic
too contentious
For many years, I was afraid the damage was done … and could not be redeemed.
But then I stood in front of an audience, baring my soul. You stood off to the side, away from the crowd. I wasn’t sure if you stood there in case you needed to make a fast getaway or because you didn’t want to miss a single word. I was nervous to see your reaction to my honest admissions. Yes, you’d experienced life with a critical, hurried, distracted, and spread-too-thin mother, but this would be the first time you heard my most difficult confessions spoken out loud.
My main concern was that the description you were about to hear about the “old me” – particularly the characteristics I was trying to soften and reign in – would sound an awful lot like you. I didn’t want you to think that just because I needed to make changes, you did too. I didn’t want you to think there was anything wrong with the way you were. One thing was for certain: keeping my struggles and triumphs to myself would not be helping anyone. I swallowed my fear and began to speak.
Five minutes in, you rested your head against a nearby bookshelf. It appeared you were planning to stay awhile. With encouragement in your eyes, you listened to me reveal my mistakes, along with the insight I’d gained from every stumble and fall. And then all at once, the most peaceful expression settled on your face. I couldn’t deny the overpowering love radiating from one spot off to my left, the spot where my brown-eyed girl stood, taking it all in.
Watching me take my imperfections and mistakes and turn them into life-changing revelations offered you a reprieve, my mini high achiever. I saw the recognition on your face, the exhale of your chest. I felt as though I could read your mind. Perhaps the missteps of a messy, imperfect life weren't shameful or bad; perhaps they were vital steps to becoming who you're meant to be.
Watching you watch me was like seeing the sun come out after a long, hard rain.
Watching you watch me was like seeing the tightrope walker realize the ground was much closer and much softer than expected.
Watching you watch me was like seeing a worn bandage taken off to reveal healing pink skin underneath.
Watching you watch me was like seeing a flaming torch held up in a dark forest to light the way home.
In that moment, your radiant face was a reflection of my own—peace with who I am and hope for who I am becoming. But there was more. Your eyes seemed to sparkle with a possibility you hadn’t considered before—maybe the phrase, “mistakes mean you’re learning and taking courageous risks,” wasn’t a lie spoken simply for comfort; maybe it was actually true.
This could be a turning point in your life, I thought to myself. With continued guidance and further displays of authenticity and humanness, I believed I could alleviate some of the future pressure you were bound to put on yourself.
And it that is exactly what I have tried to do. It’s been almost three years since I bore my scars on that platform while you silently cheered me on with your eyes. Some things have changed since then, but some things have stayed the same – gloriously the same:
You are as goal-oriented as ever, but your goals are achievable and realistic; they’re even flexible and adjustable if you realized you aimed a little too high.
You like to do things right the first time, but you see the value in effort and risk-taking, even if you aren’t able to perform the task as you’d hoped.
You like when things go according to plan, but you’ve come to believe that snags and detours often mean a greater plan is at work.
You are a worrier, but you are learning self-care tactics for alleviating your worries and falling asleep that will benefit you for a lifetime.
You care what others think, but you’re learning to create healthy boundaries and make sound decisions based on your heart and mind, not on other people’s opinions.
You are sensitive, but you use that sensitivity to touch hearts of people and animals in profound and meaningful ways.
Beautiful daughter, I know you’ve heard me refer your little sister as a Firefly because of the inner light she possesses. Well, you have a special light too. Yours is more like a blazing torch—one that is held up in the darkness to light the path ahead.
I realized this the other day when you were leading Olympic Camp for children in our neighborhood. Most newly minted teenagers would decide their birthday week was a good time to relax and celebrate—but not you. You decided your birthday week was a good time to share your God-given gifts of connecting with children, planning fun activities, being creative, and sharing your knowledge. You chose the Olympic theme because of the upcoming summer Olympics. I loved watching to you teach the children about foreign countries, geography, sportsmanship, determination, and Olympic sports.
When I suggested you leave a little time in the schedule for the children to play with the six kittens we are fostering, you became protective of the daily schedule you’d worked so hard on. I should have known you’d have each minute of the day thoroughly planned out. I let the idea go, knowing that stepping back is love to you.
About three hours into Day One of camp, I came downstairs to find the children sitting in an orderly line. You were telling them about each kitten. You were explaining how to hold them securely and describing the unique personalities of each one. That’s when I saw it—that beautiful torch of hope you possess—your radiant light that illuminates the unknown for others. That’s exactly the moment I saw myself. I saw myself in the way you talked to the children and held the kittens. It was just like when you get on the starting block before a swim meet, and I see myself in your determination and steely focus. I see myself in you when you ask permission to give a little of your money to a homeless person and when you write notes to Pricilla your sponsored child. I see myself in you when you cry at musicians singing powerful anthems to beautiful children in hospital beds. “That’s me,” I say when I see you run with your hair flying in the wind … or when you laugh with your mouth open wide … or organize a closet in record time … or come up with a master plan.
As you held those kittens out so lovingly in hopes that one of the children would go home and ask their parents to adopt one, I realized it was time. It was time to permanently shift my focus from the damage I’ve done to the positives and the passions I’ve passed on to you. It’s time to shift my focus to your unique strengths, talents, and gifts that make me feel so proud. It’s time to focus on who you’re becoming, and who I am becoming too.
You are 13; it’s officially time to look ahead, not back.
Thank you for passing me the torch, dear daughter on this 13th birthday of yours. I will hold it up triumphantly to light the path ahead. I’m bound to stumble and fall; we all do from time to time. But I will simply take one look at you and remember this: Today matters more than yesterday.
You are my radiant light of hope, reminding there is much goodness to be found
in you
and in me.
********************************************
Recommended Resource:
My friends, if you have not heard of Dr. Shefali Tsabary, I would encourage you to get to know her. As I read her most recently released book, I felt convinced I’d never read a more hopeful book for anyone seeking to create close and connected relationships within their family. No matter how much damage or how many mistakes have occurred, change and connection is possible. The Awakened Family shows you how to cultivate a relationship that allows the one you love to thrive while igniting positive growth within yourself. Raising children “the conscious way” means turning the spotlight away from fixing them and working on raising ourselves to the highest level of consciousness possible. On page 2 of her new book, Dr. Shefali writes, “In an awakened family, parents are aware that every relationship in their family exists to help each person grow.” Dr. Shefali’s life-changing guide gently walks readers through a revolutionary new way of parenting, providing an explanation of how we got here and clear direction on how we can change our family for the better. Dr. Shefali uses common, everyday examples that are applicable to our own families. What I love most about Dr. Shefali is that she truly believes it is never too late to lead your family on this journey of transformative growth, peace, and connection. As you begin to read her book, you will believe it too.
A portion of today's blog post can be found in my second book, HANDS FREE LIFE. Using truthful storytelling and doable strategies, I reveal nine daily habits that bring more peace, presence, and positivity into your home and heart. Thank you for being part of The Hands Free Revolution. I am grateful for each and every one of you!
Grammy ♡ says
Rachel, anytime I am feeling numb & I need to feel some feelings and shed some tears of joy 😉 I read your blog. It is hard to believe it is only been 3 years because you seem to have the wisdom of a long, long lifetime. My kids are grown now and I am helping raise my granddaughter and thanks to you I am doing it in a very different way. You have such a gift for writing and cutting right to the heart of the matter. It never ceases to amaze me and although I know you may not be comfortable with the praise, may I just say your articles are the best things I have ever read on parenting and I have been at this for 32 years now. Authentic heart just radiates from every word. Your precious daughters are so so so blessed to have a mother like you and the legacy you are building is indescribably full of vibrant life and possibility. You change the lives of everyone who reads your beautiful posts. I especially liked this — ”let the idea go, knowing that stepping back is love to you.” Wow, now that’s what I call being in tune with your child! Thank you for “doing it afraid” and giving us a glimpse of your metamorphosis 🙂 It can’t be easy for you I’m sure.
Don’t ever stop being your fabulous self. Your words are healing to our souls. ♡♡♡
Rachel Stafford says
Awww … how can I ever thank you, dear Grammy??? These word the precisely the words I needed to hear today. I will read your beautiful, affirming comment several more times and let it sink in. Feeling shaky inside lately about writing — this happens & I will get through it — but you just tossed me a lifeline and I am holding on. So much love to you.
Grammy ♡ says
I am SO glad it was encouraging to you. I mean every word from the bottom of my heart. The world needs to hear what you have to say, the way only YOU can say it. You give us all courage to be better and hope that it can actually be done. I only wish I could have made your paradigm shift when I was raising my girls, but all we can do is go forward and not be stuck in the past. So I’m getting a do-over with my grand girl and you always inspire me. I love everything you share about your girls and I want to incorporate many of your ideas with her as she grows, from helping animals to reaching out to seniors and neighborhood kids. (see, many of us are reading and absorbing without commenting) I smile so much when you share about life with them, and myself having been the kind of mother that you USED to be, take it from me it is such a tremendous gift to the world what you are doing now. I’m so so thankful you won’t have to experience the pain our family has because we never got off the treadmill. (until now, I am doing things with my granddaughter I was never able to do with my children)
I’ve been reading you since the beginning and you’re something special. Your authenticity opens hearts and minds like no how-to book ever could. Keep listening to your heart ♡
Leah says
I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes. Not only because of your beautiful writing but because I’m failing on a daily basis to slow down, be present with my kids, to nurture and not nag. I keep telling myself every day when I wake up, that I’m going to be more calm, less hurried, less nagging. But then my kid acts like the kid he’s supposed to be and I overreact, almost annoyed in my response. I know these will have lasting effects and I can already see them, especially in the way my boys talk to each other…and that makes me worry. I’m having a hard time telling myself to relax and breathe and let go. I will keep on reading and hope that one day it sinks in. Thank you!
Melissa K says
Leah, I was where you are about three years ago. Forgiving myself was one of my first steps towards being present. Reading Hands Free Mama and taking a moment each day to write one to three things I was grateful for helped me too. I honestly can say that I tell myself hundreds of times a week: only love today. For myself and for my family. Focus on the positive, things will change and be kind with yourself! Hugs to you!
Leah says
Thanks Melissa! I appreciate you taking the time to respond. I need to post that, “only love today” on my mirror, next to my desk, everywhere!!
Melanie P. says
Rachel,
I wish the happiest of birthdays to your beautiful daughter. Thank you for sharing about her and the beautiful light she shines in the world. I am so happy that you are now at a place to let go of any thing in the past that may have affected her, and can now rejoice and celebrate who she has become and is becoming. How wise of you to also celebrate the strengths that are reflected from your wonderful person in her.
I have said it before and I will say it again– One of the most encouraging statements is: Today matters more than yesterday. Who I am becoming is more important than who I was.
Let us make today far better than yesterday, and hope for a brighter tomorrow than today.
Happy Friday and enjoy the weekend with your family!
Love,
Melanie P.
Wendy L says
I have three daughters…the oldest being 13. I haven’t taken the time to read your blog lately, but felt I needed to today. You spoke my heart and my fears so eloquently…and, the tears flowed. Thank you for sharing your heart and your fears so freely.
Erin says
This is absolutely beautiful. Thank you for sharing yourself and your daughter
Derek says
Beautiful…
Josey Borman says
Beautiful!
Judy says
I am so touched with what you shared in this post. I love your humanity honesty and opennessIt is so good for me reading your posts. I admire you
Laura Jane says
Rachel, it is such a gift to read this beautiful and touching letter to your daughter! Thank you for this little window into your relationship with her. She sounds like such a strong, creative girl. Some of the words you use to describe her remind me of my oldest; the line, “stepping back is love to you” resonates with me… thank you for this simple truth, I’m going to hold on to it, for my girl who needs it (and stepping back is hard for me). I also love this part: “Perhaps the missteps of a messy, imperfect life weren’t shameful or bad; perhaps they were vital steps to becoming who you’re meant to be.” Sometimes when things don’t go right, or as “right” as we thought they would, we think we’ve failed… I love how you bring hope to those feelings and turn it around. This is such a lovely letter to a beautiful girl:) Thank you so much for sharing your heart for her to encourage other mamas.
reachingthesun says
Wow! This was just so beautiful, it brought tears to my eyes. I worry that I rub off my perfectionistic traits on my children. Reading this just lifted a weight off my heart. God bless you and Happy Birthday to your beautiful daughter.
Love,
Hima
Jennifer says
This is so so good!!!! Thank you for your honestly!
Melissa K says
This post is breathtaking, love filled and shouts out hope to many parents, grandparents and caregivers out there that need the life changing reminder: Today Matters More Than Yesterday! Can that fit on a leather bracelet?? May your inner critic and writing fatigue quiet down by knowing how healing your writing is to so many worried minds out here in this big world! Thank you for including book recommendations, have you read Big Magic by Elizabeth Gilbert? Very inspiring for the creative process in all of us! Many Hugs to you!
Tammy says
Rachel – Your eyes see things so many people want to see. Your ability to see the heart, the beauty, and the depth to the everyday is powerful. I’m inspired so deeply when I read your words. Truths that knock at my heart take flesh with your words. It helps me know these truths ARE real and to have the courage to shut out the ones that compel me towards getting through, the mundane, and a robotic life. There is beauty and life in what you write and nearly always (as I’ve written you before) when I leave a post of yours, there are tears welling up from the deep truths you refuse to leave buried. You see them, pursue them, and share them. Thank you for not giving up. <3 <3 <3
Rachel Stafford says
Goodness, that was profoundly beautiful, Tammy. Thank you. Thank you. I will re-read this comment several more times – may even print it out. I will not forget these heart lifting, soul building affirmations. So grateful for you.
Tanya Frazee says
Your blog so often speaks right to the heart of me. Thank you for being so open and vulnerable for all of us.
Ann-M says
Tears in my eyes Mama.xoxo