“Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can't tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start.” – Avicii
On most Saturdays you can find our family exploring our new city. We moved here ten months ago, but it still feels new and excitingly uncharted. At a downtown museum on a recent Saturday, we watched a four-minute film that my younger daughter called the “moments of happiness” movie. At different points in the video, I noticed each of my daughters peering down the isle to look at me. I knew what they were looking for—they were looking for tears.
Within the first twenty seconds of the film, I felt my eyes well up. Watching ordinary people doing brave things … watching the joyful homecomings of service men and women … watching siblings work together for a common goal … watching families celebrate together and mourn together—these heart-stirring situations caused my tears to flow. I unabashedly let them run down my face.
“It doesn’t take much to make mom cry,” my older daughter said taking my hand as our family exited the theater. I felt my chest tighten wondering where this was going.
“Yeah,” my younger daughter agreed. “Whenever Mom sees someone else cry, she cries too.”
I was so relieved. This is who I am now: The woman who cries with others … the woman who cries with happiness.
It hasn’t always been that way.
There was a time when there were lots of tears—not a quiet cry of despair, but more of an out of control, high-pitched, tearful eruption. There was a two-year period of my life when I was a pressure cooker just waiting to blow. The troubling mantra that repeatedly ran through my mind was: “It’s just too much … it’s all just too much.” A great deal of the “too much” was self imposed—unachievable standards, relentless distractions, and an overabundance of commitments. But at the time, I didn’t realize the choices I was making were causing this constant feeling of overwhelm. I only knew that carrying the weight of too much caused me to scream and cry when I got upset—as if screaming and crying were the only way to be heard.
But that type of communication was always met with a look of shock, fear, and sorrow from the people I loved the most. In fact, when I was screaming and crying, they didn’t hear a word I said.
At my loudest, I was heard the least.
At my loudest, I felt the most pain.
At my loudest, I caused the most hurt.
At my loudest, my voice was most voiceless.
In those agonizing moments after my tearful, over-the-top meltdown, I’d frantically rummage through the junk drawer looking for my car keys. I needed to get away—far, far away.
One night I made it all the way out to the car. I was in my pajamas and my skin felt cold against the leather seats. I was shivering as my barefoot stepped on the gas pedal.
But I could not leave.
I went back inside to get my children. I gathered them up, one in each arm. I remember how they cried in confusion and fear. I made it to the door and realized I could not leave without my husband either. And I could not leave without my beloved calico cat, Callie. I could not leave my people.
Something needed to change.
I needed to find my voice—my truest voice—the one that could be heard … felt … and understood.
Back in college, I took a poetry class. I thought it would be an easy A, not requiring too much time and effort on my part. The professor gave us a notebook and said we could write about anything we wanted because it would never be seen by anyone but her. She encouraged us to describe our deepest fears … to recount our most horrible memories … to share our darkest secrets. Writing in that notebook offered a freedom I’d never known. With each entry bringing clarity, redemption, peace, and self-discovery, I looked forward to writing in it each day.
About mid-way through the semester, students were required to turn in their notebooks for review. In mine, the professor wrote: “You have a powerful voice, Rachel.”
What hadn’t dawned on me as a sophomore in college, dawned on me over a decade later when I most needed this powerful revelation: When I spoke my greatest fears, offered my most difficult truths, and shed light on my darkest thoughts was when I felt the most heard.
It was then that I knew how I could find my truest voice again. I bought a notebook that very day—just like the one I used in my college class. And since that day, I’ve filled an entire plastic bin with notebooks—releasing trapped emotions, letting go of suppressed memories, and liberating shameful thoughts with every line. Through these pages, my loudest voice got quieter and my truest voice got stronger. Through these pages, I felt heard by something far greater than myself; I felt guided by the One who could offer me true peace and fulfillment.
Five years and nearly fifty filled notebooks later, I have made significant progress. Don’t get me wrong, I still cry sometimes. I cry when I am sad. I cry when I am homesick. I cry when I am exhausted. I even cry when I get angry every once in awhile. But most of the time, I cry when I am happy. Because that is when gratitude seizes me by the throat and makes me feel thankful for my truest voice—the one that allows me to be heard … felt … and understood by the people who share my life.
The other night, as I tucked younger daughter in bed, she recounted the stressful events of the previous night. For several hours, we could not find Banjo the cat anywhere. We assumed he got outside and was somewhere in the dense woods behind our house. My husband had tucked my daughter in bed as I searched.
“Did you cry when you were looking for Banjo?” my daughter asked unexpectedly.
“No. Why?” I asked.
“I could hear you calling and calling for him when I was trying to go to sleep.”
I swallowed the lump in my throat. “Were you crying?” I asked her.
“No,” my child said. “Because we have a family code, you know.”
I did not know.
“It’s: No Family Member Left Behind,” she explained.
“Did you come up with that yourself?” I asked stunned.
“Yes. In our family, we would never leave without each other. You’d never leave without me.”
And now it was my turn to tell her something she didn’t know. “I didn’t cry when I was looking for Banjo, but I cried when your sister found him trapped in the utility room because I was so happy.”
She smiled as if that confession coming from me made perfect sense.
As warm tears filled my eyes yet again, I realized that sometimes we all lose our voice, but we must fight to get it back … so our family can hear us calling … so our family can hear us cheering … so our family can hear us living our best selves.
Whether it’s through a notebook, an easel, or the lens of a camera,
Whether it’s through dancing, singing, cooking, or meditating on a rubber mat,
Whether it’s through running, walking, or crawling, if that is all you can manage,
Find your voice—your truest voice.
It speaks fears.
It speaks truths.
It speaks hopes.
It speaks desires.
It speaks dreams.
It speaks love.
Unlike the voice that barks empty threats and sweeping generalizations, your truest voice can be heard.
Unlike the voice that spews sarcasm, accusations, and defensiveness, your truest voice feels like peace when it is spoken.
Unlike the voice that hurls insults and patronizing words, your truest voice won’t drive you farther and farther away from the people you love.
Your truest voice brings you closer—
closer to the person you want to be
closer to the life you want to live
closer to tears of happiness …
May they fall like rain.
********************************************
Resources: If you would like to know what specific steps and strategies I used to transform my distracted, overwhelmed life, they are detailed in my NYT bestselling book Hands Free Mama. In addition, the book Peaceful Parent, Happy Kids: How to Stop Yelling & Start Connecting by Dr. Laura Markham is my number #1 recommendation to anyone yearning to respond more peacefully and positively in times of frustration and challenge. Dr. Laura’s second book, Peaceful Parent: Happy Siblings: How to Stop the Fighting & Raise Friends For Life, comes out next week, and it is just as life changing as the first! Click here to learn more or to pre-order. Dr. Laura recently allowed me to ask several questions about improving sibling relationships and creating a more loving home environment. Our discussion tied in beautifully with my new book, Hands Free Life: 9 Habits for Overcoming Distraction, Living Better, & Loving More . Please enjoy listening to our open-hearted discussion by clicking the play button below.
*One final note: a NEW reminder bracelet is here! Inspired by the Choose Love 21-Day Challenge & your many requests, the “I Choose Love” bracelet has been added to the Hands Free Shop and the color is perfect for spring!
Rachel,
Once again these are such powerful, meaningful, and moving words that you share with us.
Thank you for another post that truly speaks to me!
Your writing is an amazing gift, and a blessing to me — and to all who read it.
xoxo
Leslie 🙂
Thank you, Leslie! On posts like this one, the one where my hand shakes when I hit publish, are the ones that I most need these beautiful words of encouragement. Thank you for walking beside me and assuring me of my purpose here on earth.
I found you on afriend’s FB Page. Some “wonderful ponderings” for this GREAT-Grandma of Jayce [3 going on 6=+] about time with our “charges”. HAHA He needs to be reminded to use his soft vice indoors and he has a very loud and shreeking tone. He is at my house lotz and he and mom and dad sleep over nights. PLEASE enlighten us on a site which gives hope/directions on a diet for a “turbo cutie pie”. We TRY our best to not give [“sugar/derivatives] to him and if we slip up OR give in! ….he is off the moon. I offered him green grapes yesterday and he said “they have sugar and they make me hy-per”. It’s good sugar I say…God puts some GOOD sugar in fruits and vegs.etc. Welch/Motts and all other juices on the market may say “low sugar” BUT when we read the label we SEE other forms. I made me a cup of tea yesterday and tried giving him some – he didn’t like. It was like Bigelow “sleepy time tea. I have just been diagnoses with steriod-enduced diabetes when I recently had this horrible flu [took flu shot] didn’t stop to make myself get over it and relapsed thus sending me to several ER visit and finally three days in the hospital and one month in a local assisted living to “learn how to use my legs again”….still have days of shaky legs,etc but I am trying to encourage Jayce by saying I can’t eat sugar. BUTttt OH! how I would love to go off the wagon with a chocolate brownie OR chocolate anything. HAHA <3 Have a blessed day.
Sue, look up the book by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka called Raising Your Spirited Child!! Good luck!
Oh man. How many days I’ve been so frustrated and wanted to leave. No plan. Just walk out. Maybe come back in 5 minutes or 5 hours or 5 days. But I can’t leave them – any of them. I love them and the love is overwhelming. Sometimes the stress is too. I’m thankful for your posts, always a reminder to keep trying.
Thank you for what you have written, Kirsten. I call what you just did “stepping into the light of realness to meet me there”. That was a hard paragraph for me to write — the one about leaving. Thank you for letting me know you understand that feeling too. Thank you for confirming that things that are hard to share must be shared. We are not alone.
“Things that are hard to share must be shared”… Yes, this is so true… and now, not later, when it may be too late. So many years I’ve read your words, Rachel, and I’m still learning from them. Thank you for sharing your gift of writing with all of us.
Unless you have truly been there it’s hard to describe how sickening it feels inside when you feel like you truly can’t cope. I know, I’ve been there and it sounds like Rachel has too. There’s always a way to get through, it can be a truly awful battle of the heart to make it through, to find the right people to lean on, to slowly learn to trust yourself again. I wish that I had asked for more help during those days. We all expect too much from ourselves, and demand far too much from our weary selves. I’ll always wear the battle scars of postnatal depression, it’s bruised my heart and I feel a great sense of loss for that time, but it has changed me deeply for the better I think. That homeless mentally unwell person, well but for the grace I go, no judgement but empathy. Gratitude is changing my life. I still rush, stress worry and sometimes yell. A year on I am still picking up shards of my self identity, but I’m here, I love my kids and and they know it. Faith, love, hope. In truth the greatest of these is hope. Thank you so much Rachel for being brave enough to post your real self.
Thank you. I’ve got a few tears running down my face right now. I needed to hear this today.
So thankful to have you here walking beside me, Beth. Together there is hope.
Oh how I love your posts, I listened to your book, because I was too busy to even sit and read a book. Spending countless hours cleaning, on Facebook and missed out on a special hug or moment with my kids. It has transformed our life. Thank You
Thank you for letting me know, Mayra! Hearing about your progress is like fuel to my writer’s soul! Thank you for listening to my book! This may just give someone else who can’t sit down an idea. That is exactly why I wrote that line “crawl, if that is the only thing you can manage” — even little tiny steps forward make a difference on this journey!
Your words are so inspiring I can really relate to so much of what you share – thank you. I really needed to read this today as I’m having a tough time at the moment with two beautiful but strong-willed daughters (4 & almost 2). I love your blogs & posts on Facebook as they always remind me what’s important in this world xx
Thank you, Alison. I appreciate you letting me know! So glad you are here.
Your words speak to the heart of me. Much of what I have written in my fledgling, share my fears and hopes so that I can feel more connected blog, could be taken straight from yours. I feel a strange kinship with you handsfree mama. Thank you for that. Wonderful to hear our voice echoed in the trials and triumphs of others. Not so isolating. With much respect.
I just peeked at your blog and wow, you are a beautiful, soulful writer, Shannon. This part really resonated with me: “The thing is, the how of feeling good is far less complicated than the what. I complicate it! I lose sight of the fact that all of the issues that need tackling, or decisions that need making, are so much easier to make when you’re feeling better. We all think we’ll feel better when things get sorted out. The truth is we have it backwards.” It brings me comfort to see the similarities in our struggles, triumphs, and where we find our peace. So grateful for your comment and your friendship today.
Sometimes you come across something and it feels like it is spoken just for you. I have three amazing little boys who all have sensory processing disorder to different degrees. Two are gifted, which comes with it’s own challenges and one is bright but as we have just discovered this week, is not suited to school learning. He has gone from top of the class to near the bottom in just a couple of months. His sensory processing issues are the most severe and effect the way we live our lives but also give us many great gifts. With a husband who is away a lot and no family support I have found “it is all too much ” becoming my mantra of late. After a difficult weekend, I have found myself contemplating how I can take a more positive outlook. One of my main feelings is that no one really understands. I am not sure yet how I will find my voice, maybe I will start with a journal, but I hope that I can find a way to cry more happy tears and less tears of frustration. Thank you for this, the perfect words at the perfect time.
I needed this today. BAD. Always on time.
Oh, how I needed this… As a mama in a still-new-to-me city who’s lost touch with her notebooks and camera lens, I related to every word of this. Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you, thank you, thank you. Please do not doubt your purpose on this earth. This post was so perfect and so needed today.
I don’t know how you do it…but I swear you blog just for me! I love your words. Your words fill my heart and pull me through life’s struggles. Every time I start to beat myself up …you write something to get me through it. This post (and all of your posts:) was perfect food for my soul. That constant feeling of overwhelm and perfectionism is so hard to overcome. I don’t want that voice that yells and screams. I don’t want the overwhelming frustration tears. I want my true voice. You’re like the angel on the shoulder that you see in the movies! The voice of reason that brings me back to the real world. I bought your new bracelet today. It’s my 2 year olds favorite color and it will be the perfect reminder on my wrist. Thank you Rachel!
THANK YOU! I needed to hear these words today! I am crying as I read them! You have perfectly made sense of the chaos going on in my heart and mind. I have 5 little kids that I love like crazy! And taking care of them often makes me feel crazy as well! I often confuse yelling and barking orders with communication and love. Thank you! I will try harder today to “Say Love”, to speak in kindness and communicate my every loving thought in word and deed.
Thank you. Some people keep chocolate in their office for when it all becomes too much. Some people get coffee or drink wine when it becomes too much. I reach out to your blog, your facebook, and your book. Right now, I’m struggling because it feels like my voice is not being heard, on so many levels, and I want to run- literally and figuratively. Thank you for giving me hope and a way to work through this amazing thing we call life.
Wow! Love your Facebook posts and love your blog. It’s so heartfelt and authentic. I’d definitely say you’ve found your voice. Thanks for sharing it with the world. We are better for it.
When I found your blog, it was this past Christmas eve and I was on the verge of leaving. Leaving my son, my husband, leaving this world. Things had become too much. I couldn’t keep it in, I couldn’t keep it under control and I was consistently failing my child.
There have been many ups and downs since then but you saved my life that night (probably quite literally) and every time I read something it just reaches down deep and soothes me where I hurt the most. I’m going through a divorce and things have been hectic. I’ve been wanting to shut down and shut out and my son has been acting out so bad. I found myself in tears the other night asking myself why it felt as though I had to scream to be heard. Reading this reminded my that I don’t. That there is another way. That it’s only too much if I don’t stop to see what it is I can let go of and what needs to be done now. Right now, what needs to be done is for me to go play with my two year old.
I just wanted to say thank you. Thank you for knowing that hurt and thank you for sharing it. Thank you for trying to help so many heal it.
Dearest Jade, thank you. You have brought me to tears with this beautiful validation of why I must keep writing, keep sharing, even when it is hard to hit the publish button. I am grateful you are here, showing up and sharing your story. Your strength is so evident in your words. I have a list of tips, strategies, and resources to help people offer a more peaceful response to their loved ones in times of struggle and challenge. Feel free to email me for it. My email is rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com. You will get an auto response but just know that I will respond in time. (This offer is open to anyone who would like some strategies you can use today to be more peaceful and loving in your responses.) Jade, you have a lot on your shoulders right now, but you are strong and you have already endured so much. Keep showing up … one small step at a time. I wrote the following passage about a year ago, but I think it is for you today:
Anyway
By Rachel Macy Stafford
If you find it hard to get up,
Do it anyway.
You may see someone brighten at the mere sight of you.
If you find it hard to look at your reflection,
Do it anyway.
You may see a flicker of something beautiful you thought was gone is still there.
If you find it hard to love the unlovable,
Do it anyway.
You may see a smile or an expression that reminds you of their worth.
If you find it hard to get past the mess,
Do it anyway,
You may see evidence of little hands learning, loving, and living.
If you find it hard to speak out,
Do it anyway.
You may have the words someone else needs to hear.
If you find it hard to hold on,
Do it anyway.
You may you look down and see someone holding on
Simply because you are.
“Remember, we all stumble, every one of us. That’s why it’s a comfort to go hand in hand.” ~Emily Kimbrough
Can you send me a copy of this wonderful post by Emily??
Pear731@aol.com
Sorry, I guess it’s your post….just the quote was by Emily
Sweet Rachel, As I am sitting in a local coffee shop drafting a post that leaves me quite vulnerable, I take a break to read this, and am buoyed by your courage to put yourself out there and reveal your truths. You continue to be a blessing and inspiration to me. Thank you for being exactly who you are.
Much love, Valerie
I am so proud to know you, dear one. I am so proud you are sharing your story on a blog. You have clearly found your purpose. Keep writing. Keep hitting publish. Keep making the world a little more connected by sharing your story.
Every time I read one of your posts, well…you speak to my soul! Thank you for your writing. You have no idea how much your words mean to me. Thank you!
The one thing that I can count on every single time I click to read your latest post – is that it is absolutely going to speak to me in my hour of need. You always manage to put into words something that I’ve been thinking and feeling and ruminating on. Thank goodness you found your voice and continue to write because sometimes when I feel lost I can read your writing and feel like I see a glimmer of light on the path. Thank you!
Wow, Rachel. You really got me with this one…
I own a small business with my husband (I was the only woman for a number of years). Several years ago, I was feeling like I was standing in a room full of people screaming at the top of my lungs, and no one would even look up. Despite my efforts, my lone female voice still couldn’t be “heard” above the loudness of the men I worked with. Journaling helped tremendously, and I came to realize that my voice WAS actually important. Along the way, I found the Celtic triskele and fell in love with its meanings regarding the phases of a woman’s life life being a journey, unity of all women, etc. It became a visual reminder to me that my voice is important, and that perhaps my feminine energy is even necessary to balance out these noisy men, and I’ve worn it ever since.
But years have passed, and I got out of the habit of journaling. And in the mean time, I’ve become a mother and life has changed considerably. Our business has been struggling, at the very time when we most need it to provide for our family, and at the very time when I feel strongly compelled to work fewer hours, not more. My health is starting to suffer as a result, and I just don’t know what to do. On a good day, I just want to cry. An average day is a low-grade anxiety attack, and on a bad day, I literally want to scream my head off and bloody my knuckles on the walls.
I don’t know how you do it, but your post could not have been more timely. You’ve inspired me to go find the first available notebook and get back in the habit of journalling. Maybe if I can get the stressful clutter out of my head, I’ll have more room for my truest voice to be heard, and I’ll have a better idea of what I actually want out of this business and our life in the future.
Words are just inadequate – you’ve completely gone right to the heart of what I most needed today. Thank you.
S- I am so touched by your truths and your affirmations of my post today. With each story I share, I hope to touch one life. That was my goal when I started this blog and it was my goal today. Thank you for letting me know, in such a profound way, that I touched your life. I look forward to hearing the progress you make with each and every line of that notebook you fill. Blessings to you.
Thank you for these words today. These words rang true for me in more ways than one. Always love reading your stuff. Keep sharing your true voice! God has given you a wonderful ministry!
I read this post at such a perfect time today, so I wanted to say thank you. I just returned from dropping my daughter off at preschool, getting my son down for a nap, and finally had 5 minutes to sit, breathe, and eat something. I yelled at my daughter to hurry up today as she was going potty. I needed to get gas before preschool, because i was on empty, and if i waited until after dropping her off, my son would fall asleep in the car and would likely not transition from car to crib. This is all i thought about as i told my daughter so many times to get moving. Finally, i yelled (loud). In the car, after getting the gas, i told her i was sorry for yelling. She said she didnt know we had to get gas (little ears hear what they want to) and she was sorry for being slow. I told her i yelled to get her to move faster. She replied that yelling doesnt help, it actually makes her move slower because when I yell she feels sad and when she is sad she moves slow.
ugh. I feel pretty bad. What my 4 year old said makes sense. I should have more wisdom than her.
It’s amazing how validating it is when you see that even your darkest thoughts & fears, are shared by others. I admire the courage you have, Rachel, for standing in this public eye of the internet ( more public than standing on a street corner!) and sharing your vulnerability. It truly makes a difference, so thank you. Thank you for being brave, and real. 🙂
Rachel, thank you for these words! I have saved many of your post in a journal that I have for my daughters. This post hit so close to home as I have recently realized ( through about a year of counseling and almost making bad choices in my marriage) that I have lost my voice in my marriage. In return, I have a huge voice in my work and from that- I have used work as an escape. I am learning to find my voice again in my marriage and have been blessed with a best friend/hubby who is supporting me through this journey. It was through my journals to my girls- filled with all my wishes for them- that I realized that I needed to hear those words even more. My favorite post of yours was about being thankful for the dirt under our nails. Every time I faced with a tough situation or hard day.. I close my eyes and say over and over, Lord, thank you for the dirt!
Sarah- You are a precious and strong soul and many thanks for sharing your words.
Dear Rachel, this is just to add my Thank YOU in with all the rest that have commented before me.
I am also a mom but a mom that has just reached the age of 64 this year. A mom that will love her children until the very last breath is leaving her body. A mom who keeps trying. A mom who is still learning. A wife who keeps trying and loving. I love to read the things that have come from your heart and that help so many women in so many ways. Thank you.
You have touched my heart so many times and the post above is huge! It is helping and healing and loving and true and transparent And Needed. Thank you.
I wish you had been around when my children were young and I needed to hear the honest voice of someone who was going through what I was feeling. Someone who was able to put voice to the hurts hiding in the corners. To know that someone was out there who understood. I need this even now.
Thank you.
Thank you for putting your heart on the line to love and touch so many other hearts. May we all never be to young or to old to keep learning ~ to understand how important it is to keep listening and hearing and to know how to put voice (in a journal or out loud) to what helps, heals and grows (us and others). I pray that the Lord will fill you with His perfect peace and joy. Make sure to rest in Him and let Him carry you when it’s to heavy. Praying the Lord will bless your family and your blog.
I will pass this on with a prayer that it will reach the ones that need it.
Thank you.
thank you <3
Rachel….thank you for once again giving me reason to share my voice, my life, my struggles, my triumphs. I have not lived the cookie-cutter life and have lived many years hiding it but now as a mother and a stronger woman & person I realize I have a story just like everyone else and by sharing I can help others learn to empathize; connect with others who are wadding through life like me; give strength to those who are trying to find their voice. You always inspire me….now to start writing it all down.
Hi Rachel,
I read a lot online about parenting and I wanted to thank you for the above piece that you wrote. I have an almost 6 yr old daughter and 2 1/2 yr old son. What you struggled with in your piec about yelling is what I have been dealing with for the past year or so. Our son is very different from our daughter and demands so much of my time (I am a SAHM) and even fights for mu attention when our daughter gets home from school. My Husband often finds him difficult to handle on the weekends or in the evenings and I often find I am yelling, screaming or crying in an attempt to be heard.
I used to write all of the time in journals and writing, English class was my favorite all throughout school. I also was told by teachers and professor that how and what I wrote was powerful and had meaning. I never respond to blogs online but I wanted to. You really have made a difference in my life today. This afternoon I will be going to get a notebook!!
Thank you!!
Toni
This means so much to me, Toni. I am thrilled to know this inspired you to write! You may want to check out my colleague’s book, SAY WHAT YOU SEE, it is a free download on her site. From what you describe, the approach described in her book could be incredibly helpful with your son. The author also helps me answer the many reader emails I receive from those seeking guidance on specific issues. She is so wise and knowledgable. If you have a specific question or want some guidance with your son, you can email me. Sandy has helped so many readers of my blog get “unstuck”. rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com (you will initially get an auto-response, but I will get back to you soon). Here is Sandy’s book. At the bottom of the page, you will see “read the book free” http://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book/
I’ve often thought about journaling like I did in my teenage years, but I’m so afraid of the actual feelings that I have about certain situations. About the love I feel has been lost (or misplaced) between my husband and I since the birth of our daughter two years ago. About the feelings of resentment I sometimes have towards my daughter that are quickly over come by the intense love I feel for her and from her; and the fear that if I say these things out loud to my husband that he will agree; and what then? How do we get back from it? How do we love as we once did, with such passion and excitement. When I felt like even shouting from the rooftops about my love for him wasn’t enough to express my true feelings for him.
How do we get back to our love?
From one crier to another, thank you for today’s post.
Thank you for posting this despite the shakey hands. I’ve been climbing a mountain these last 5 years and I feel like I’ve come to the crest only to have the clouds part and show me that there’s still a ton of climbing to do. Thanks for this reminder to let it out, somehow. It’s weird, I haven’t felt connected to journalling in a long time. Whatever I write feels fake, distorted somehow. Hopefully I can find another way. xo
Dear Rachel,
Thank you for the lovely message. I have been reading your blog for a while and it is truly amazing the way you connect with so many by writing beautiful messages.
I have a lovely 17 months old daughter whom I love to bits but it can be a bit of challenge sometimes when it comes to little things like feeding her, getting her ready to go out. On some days, I lose my patience so quickly and then I feel very guilty for not being patient enough. I am trying so hard but no matter what there are times when I feel out of control. I then read your blog and somehow your words do some magic and fill me with hope.
From last few weeks, I have started a new routine at bed time with my daughter where I gently kiss on both of her palms and say “Mumma loves you, good night, sleep baby sleep”. Yesterday, I forgot to kiss her right hand palm and I was wonderfully surprised when my little lady gently laid her right hand palm on my lips by herself as if saying, “How can you forget this one?”. It is amazing how she communicated so much to me without saying a single word. I’ll treasure that moment forever.
After reading your blog, I have started noticing these little things more. So thank you very much Rachel and I am already looking forward to reading your next article.
Love,
Jasmine
Thank you, dear Jasmine. This is a profoundly moving story. It is those little moments–when you see that your presence, your love, and your attention are the light of your child’s world–that help you through the rough patches. I am so grateful you have begun to look for those moments and hold them to your heart. I call them Glimmers of Goodness. They are so powerful. Thank you for sharing your life and your heart.
my reading this could only God insiped A very difficult situation has come full cicrle with my children and spouses…..over my anger out bursts
also problematic for my daughter i have spoken with professionals and I know it is founded but justifible..This is a message from upstairs thank you will copy and reread the ?next time it warrents!! thank you
Sweet and touching post. You’re usual honesty is so touching.
Enjoy those happy tears.
To be honest – what your daughter said about your family – that’s a tear jerker.
Thank you for being here, Larry. I enjoy your comments, thoughts, and perspective. Your encouragement is a blessing on this journey.
This is my first time to visit your blog as my friend just shared your link with me because she felt as though this blog post would be an important one for me to read. Now I can see why. I am totally feeling that overwhelming sense of screaming where nobody can hear you and everything has gotten to be too much. I am a mom of 3 boys, all who have multiple severe and chronic medical conditions. My oldest has been in and out of the hospital over 30 times in the past 3 years and is on oxygen and all 3 have dysautonomia and immune deficiency as well as 2 having been diagnosed with Mitochondrial disease. They have all been through a lot to say the least. We had finally found a comfortable place in our dealings with them when my mom fell Christmas eve and suffered a skull fracture and multiple brain bleeds. The crazy hectic life of doctors appointments and therapies we were living with my kids more than doubled when my mom came to live with me after going through rehab. My life is suddenly no longer my own as I am now caring for 4 chronically ill individuals. My kids at least appreciate me, but my mom is going through a lot with anger and depression due to her fall and is taking it out on me and most days I just feel like crying and running away. I needed this more than you can ever understand and I needed to hear that it is ok to feel this way and to find a way to process those feelings and get them out of your system. God had given you a gift to bless others with your words. No matter how hard it may seem on those days to hit the publish button, please don’t ever stop. Someone out there will benefit from the gift of your words and you, in turn, will reap the blessing of knowing that you touched lives as a result. Thank you.
I feel as if you have a secret entryway into my mind and heart, Rachel. I used to like me. Everybody liked me. I can’t say that today (a bad marriage really changes a person). Your posts help me see who I am today and encourage me to return to who I once was – to find my truest voice. Thank you, Rachel. You are a true blessing.
PS: I actually ordered a bracelet (I choose love) back in February. We think the same. : )
This brings me great joy today. I am so thankful for your companionship on this journey, my friend.
Goodness me! Is it really 10 months ago that you moved? Where has the time gone?
I’m a big weeper, emotions tend to spill out my eyes rather than my mouth, I struggle to make my voice heard all the time, as I was talked over or told that my feelings didn’t matter so much when I was younger. I’m going to by a brand new notebook at lunchtime to start talking to myself, get out what needs to be said and let go of some baggage. As ever, thank you x
For the past 3 years, I’ve become a cryer, often having tears well up at inopportune times such as my daughter’s portfolio day or when reading books with my daughters. A couple weeks ago I finally figured out that this wasn’t something to be embarrassed about, but something to embrace because what has happened is that the joy is spilling over. 3 years ago I lost my cherished job and in working through the pain and anxiety that followed, I’ve opened myself up to feeling the joys of life in all their power especially the amazing gifts that fellow humans offer. I thought something was wrong with me for feeling so much, but your words are such a comforting reminder that the spilling over of emotion is a good thing.
And I cry reading nearly all of your posts as well — your words have a way of connecting with those deepest, most sacred, truly important parts of myself and my parenting that are indeed the truest and what I am working to make stronger. Thank you…
“Joy spilling over.” I love that way of perspective about happy tears. Thank you, Laura. I am so glad you are here, crying FEELING tears alongside me.
Your writing is beautiful and resonate so deeply. I do not have children, yet i go back and reread your blogs because they touch my heart and leave a mark. I just wanted to say thank you!
Renee
Thank you so much for your honesty and for sharing such vulnerable parts of yourself, of motherhood. This spoke to me in more ways than I can explain. My children are 6 and 2 – there are days we all bring out the best in each other then there days when the worst parts of me seem to rage inside. I love this reminder to find one’s truest voice, it truly does hold more power than our loudest. Thank you.
Hi Rachel, really like the message of your article. Yet my loud voice tends to come out a lot..not toward my child but toward my partner. or i just keep silently repressed. ugh. i guess i have a lot of repressed stuff.
i’d like to try the journaling. what would you write in your journal when you first started? just let it out/vent you raw feelings? would you also see if you coudl find your true voice in your writing ..ie. how the true you would express herself? and was there a specific time you tended to write? i’ve been doing just before bed but now i think i should keep it with me to do any time of the day stuff comes up and i’m feeling emotionally charged.
You found deepest meaning of life and living. Beautiful !
I held my breath as I read this one, Rachel. Because this is so me. This is exactly where I am, where everything seems “too much” and I just don’t see how it’s going to get better. My husband and best friends keep telling me that this is where God will work, this is how we learn trust. But in the midst of it, it is all so overwhelming, especially when we are in such a lonely place with no one who really truly walks in the day to day with us. So thank you. Thank you for sharing honestly and openly. Maybe someday, I will be on the other side of all this, victorious.
Your writing is so powerful and inspirational. Even though my children are grown and on their own, your writing continues to resonate with me and I learn something new with each blog post. Thank you so much for sharing your gift.
It’s a long time since I first read this post. I wanted to send a comment about your new book and how excited I was to get the Barnes and Noble shipping e-mail. When I started typing in Handsfreemama, Google sent me to this post. It’s April 2020 now and our world has been turned upside down. Thank you for your gentle words and for teaching me, through your writing, how to be a better mother.