“I see the sun and it's rising slowly
For every shadow there's a light
Open your eyes, I'll come running
Open up to me, open up to me.”
–Green River Ordinance, Resting Hour
One by one, they came through the book signing line confessing their own broken dish moments.
“It was a plate.”
“It was a bowl – robin’s egg blue … I always loved that bowl.”
“It was my grandmother’s serving tray; I don’t know why I grabbed that one.”
“Mine was a crystal vase. The cleanup took hours.”
One by one, people confessed their broken dish moments. When I spoke of mine on stage a few minutes earlier I had no idea it would inspire others to step forward and say, “Me too.”
Perhaps we all have broken dish moments in some form or another. Perhaps I am not alone.
The last dish I broke was nineteen months ago. Before that one, it was a coffee pot … and before that, it was a cereal bowl. Before that, it was an object I can’t recall, but its pieces were especially jagged and sharp. All this time, I attributed these extreme reactions on a severe lack of self-care and on pushing myself beyond reasonable limits. But while huddled in a car with a dear friend on the way to see an Ingrid Michaelson concert, I uncovered something more.
“It happens when I am not being heard … when I am misunderstood,” I said about my broken dish moments. “I get to this dangerously helpless point when my need to be heard is so strong that I feel I must take drastic measures.”
See me.
Hear me.
This is me sending up a flare. I am in distress.
I thought back to the broken dish moments shared by those who came through the book signing line. As people confessed their breaking points and collateral damage, there was one common factor … there was a resounding echo … there was a universal need.
Hear me.
Acknowledge me.
Don’t walk away.
Yes, they were weary and depleted when they fell apart at the seams … but more importantly, they were desperate to be heard.
Exactly three days after that revelation with my friend in the car, my husband and I were watching the nightly news. It transpired into a heated political discussion. I was very passionate about my beliefs, and my voice became raised, and I felt my face become flushed. Although there were plenty of doors to slam, papers to throw, and dishes to break, I didn’t resort to extremes as I did in the past.
Why?
Because he heard me.
He was listening.
We did not see eye to eye on this particular issue, but he held me, and I let myself be held.
Suddenly every broken dish moment, beginning at age ten, came back to me in full force.
I’d flung myself to the ground kicking and screaming when I was not being heard.
I’d peeled out of a parking lot and sped 80 mph when I was not being heard.
I’d hit my fist with a steering wheel until it bruised when I was not being heard.
I’d thought about hurting myself when I was not being heard.
Drastic measures indeed.
But the truth is, out of all the things that make me feel most loved, listening is number one. When I am heard, I am loved.
I am quite certain I am not the only one who feels this way.
Over the past month, I have processed this realization about my breaking dish moments. I have paid close attention to the way my spouse and I communicate. Somewhere along the line, I told him that when my father listened to me he always looked into my eyes. Eye contact mean listening fully and attending undividedly. I notice my husband is trying.
Somewhere along the line, I told him that when my voice gets higher and he begins to walk away, it feels like a dagger. Walking away while I am speaking feels like a punch in the gut. I notice my husband is trying.
Somewhere along the line, I told him he doesn’t have to solve my problem or know what to do. Just nodding, relating, and saying, “How can I help?” are transformative. I notice my husband is trying.
As I have come to understand this inherent need to be heard in my moments of vulnerability, I am seeing others’ extreme reactions in a new light–particularly those who want me to hear them most.
My younger daughter complained of a pain in her leg for a solid week. A physical therapist found her calf muscle to be very tight. After determining it was a shin splint, the therapist showed us some exercises we could do at home. My daughter did not participate in running during swim team conditioning for two weeks while her leg healed.
When I informed my daughter it was time to resume the running portion of practice, her reaction was over the top. Her voice rose and shook. Hot tears came streaming down her face. As I was about to stand firm on this issue, I stopped myself. I saw what was happening there.
This is her dish-breaking moment.
This is her wanting me to hear her.
This is her asking me to stand in her shoes.
“Okay,” I said calmly. “It appears you are still feeling pain. We’ll give it another day.”
The color came back to her face. She quickly regained composure, as if embarrassed by her extreme reaction. (Boy, did I know the feeling.)
“Thank you, Mama. Thank you,” she said hugging me. Two days later, my child began running again, being careful not to overdo it.
My daughter still asks me to “roll” her leg in the evening as the therapist instructed. As I do, I think about what the therapist said as she demonstrated the technique. “Upward strokes brings the inflammation to a place where it can be flushed from the body.”
I think that's what listening does.
Unlike dismissing, shaming, or shutting down, which exacerbates the pain, listening eases it … releases it … comforts it … and even heals it.
Although it is mid-December and there are definitely easier and more festive topics I could have written about today, I believe this one – listening to release pain – is what we need most need right now in the world.
In fact, there’s a good chance that in coming days you’ll see someone losing her grip … dissolving into a pile tears … resorting to drastic measures to be heard.
When you see this happening, please fight the urge to walk away. Please resist the inclination to shut it down, hush it up, or stop it with shame or hostility.
Instead get closer and say, “I am here. Tell me what’s troubling you. Maybe you don’t even know, but we will figure it out together. I am listening.”
And if you find the distressed, unreasonable, and maniacal voice is coming from your own chest, please resist the urge to grab the closest object and hurl it. Instead, hold your own hand and say to yourself: This is me in distress. This is me sending up a flare. Let me muster all my strength to ask someone to hear me. This is important.
Imagine for a moment if this year were to close on a listening note—us listening to ourselves … us listening to the ones we love … us listening to the ones who cross our path. To end 2016 knowing the exercise of listening is a remedy for pain could make for a beautiful start to 2017.
Let’s not worry so much about purchasing that mind-blowing gift or finding that perfect outfit for the party or retrieving that long-lost recipe during the final days of December. Instead, let's remember listening is love.
Especially when the person in front of us or within us is falling apart.
There may be less gifts to open as a result of us spending the remaining days of December focused on listening—but perhaps if we do, there won't be so many broken pieces to pick up.
Listen with open eyes, attentive ears, and a whole heart.
Listen even when it sounds like complete and utter despair.
Because that’s when listening is needed the most.
Listen.
As another year ends, let healing begin.
***************************************
Dear friends of The Hands Free Revolution, thank you for allowing me to share my painful truths and for sharing yours with me. There is so much growth and healing in the words, “Me too.” If you live in Florida, Iowa, or South Carolina, please see my speaking event schedule and come as you are to be my family when I am there in February, April, and August. (I will also be coming to Canada for my ONLY LOVE TODAY book tour in March—details coming soon.) Because of your support of my two books, HANDS FREE MAMA and HANDS FREE LIFE, my publisher allowed me to write the daily inspiration book so many of you have been asking for – ONLY LOVE TODAY: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, and Choose Love. I will be sharing much more about this labor of love in the new year. I have never been so excited about anything I have ever written. ONLY LOVE TODAY releases on March 7 and can be pre-ordered now here. There is still time to order a wearable or hangable reminder inscribed with a healing mantra or inspiring manifesto like GET OFF THE SCALE or The Hands Free Pledge. As you can see in the above photos, I wear my ONLY LOVE TODAY and COME AS YOU ARE cuffs daily to focus my words and actions in a positive direction. Click here to see all the beautiful items in the Hands Free Shop.
Dear ones, I look forward to continuing this life-changing journey with you in 2017. Wishing you all a blessed and restorative holiday. I cherish you.
Powerful! Feeling misunderstood, unworthy of someone’s time, or ignored altogether is a horrible place to be. I have felt it personally, and I have certainly watched it in others; in those I love most and in strangers I have watched up close and from afar. When we listen, we love. Thanks for your transparency once again; I’ve thrown a thing or two and raised my voice more than I ever should. You are an inspiration! When we listen, we love. Bless you Rachel!
Thank you for taking the time to expand on my message in such a beautiful and honest way. I appreciate your voice & your heart, dear Angie. Thank you for being a source of love and compassion in the world!
Once again, your beautiful and incredibly talented writing speaks to me directly.
Just last night my daughter Claire and I had a long talk as I was frustrated about the rush of trying to do so many things during this holiday season, which as you know is also our absolute busiest season for our business. On one hand I probably shared too much with her as I tend to do (after all she is just 10 years old yet she is one of those who is wise beyond her years and asks amazing questions about a variety of topics), but on the other hand, she listened to me intently, which not only really comforted me but also made me feel heard. I had not realized how much I needed to really let my frustrations and concerns come out via spoken words (and not keep them bottled up as merely thoughts in my mind). Calmly talking with her and putting these frustrations and concerns all out there was cathartic. She listened, she asked some questions, she offered some suggestions, we laughed about some things, we hugged and I thanked her for listening to me.
In those moments my young yet mature daughter felt like my best friend.
I plan to share this post with her tonight and to let her know again how much I love her and how grateful I am that she helped me. And I will remind her again how much I love you and your writing and how it continues to help me be a better mom, wife, daughter, friend and person.
Thank you my dear Rachel. I am honored and blessed to have you in my life! 🙂 xoxo
I love this for so many reasons, Leslie. And I am so glad you thought to tell your daughter tonight how much her listening helped you. Not only will this be greatly affirming to her, but she will remember what listening did for you & may call on you to listen when she is feeling overwhelmed.
This is powerful! Thank you for all the support you give me & my work! I treasure you.
Wow. Now I understand. Just wow.
This means everything to me, Kat. I am still wiping off my sweaty hands from posting that piece. You have given me great confirmation that it was the right thing to do.
Rachel, such a beautiful awareness: “When I am heard, I am loved.” So succinct. It goes straight to my heart as well!
I don’t know if I’ve shared this with you before, but this is my truth about being heard. I think you will nod when you read it: “Being heard is more than a basic human need. It’s the key to connecting with our inner greatness and unleashing our full potential.” Obviously my coaching approach had to be about getting children and adults heard. No wonder we were drawn together!
I checked the calendar, and it’s been 3 years, almost to the day that you first invited me to help you respond to readers requesting parenting or life coaching! It’s been an incredibly rewarding time getting to help so many people turn their relationships around with that one vital step–being heard. Thank you for the opportunity to connect with your readers and also to be heard <3
Love,
Sandy
http://www.LanguageOfListening.com
“Being heard is more than a basic human need. It’s the key to connecting with our inner greatness and unleashing our full potential.”
Oh Sandy, I learn from you every time you speak or write! Yes, it is no wonder we are drawn to each other. And I truly thank God for sending me an angel to help me answer the many questions that come to me from loving people who want to love themselves and their people better. Each time you respond to a reader, I soak it up. I learn. I implement. I grow. And then it comes out in my blog posts. I am sure that my revelation about being heard can be tied back to your wisdom. You are a blessing again and again and again.
I definitely needed to read this, and I shared it, too. I need to be better at communicating when I’m in distress…and I need to slow down so I can look people in the eye to see when they are silently screaming, “Listen to me!!” My broken dish moments can be very loud…or very soft. My husband is learning to navigate them. Thank you for sharing!
Thank you so much, Tabith. So grateful for your presence and comment today.
I’ve always loved your posts and your books and many have made me teary-eyed, but this one had me full out bawling. I have never been able to express this feeling clearly before and yet I’ve experienced it so many times. Not being heard, not being seen…it’s like you don’t even exist. A scary place to be indeed. I feel like a weight has been lifted. You have given me a priceless gift. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Once again your experiences and words have touched me so deeply. I have been a hurler since I can remember. Your words of wisdom will hopefully guide me through some of those moments of frustration. Thank you
Listening, real listening, validates. It’s an art, and every bit as important as our spoken words. Thank you for this beautiful post.
oy I still remember my broken dish moment of 12 years ago when I smashed my daughter’s hand-painted piggy bank because she was shaking out her money (loudly) in the next room while I was trying to put the baby down. This is so vivid to me, and I’m still ashamed of it, although she probably (hopefully) doesn’t even remember it. Your take on it is so insightful and graceful. Not being heard/acknowledged is worse than death, they say in the parenting lit.
As you grow, we grow. Thank you for writing about your REAL experiences in life. Thank you for encouraging change from within. I love reading your blog.
I will be sharing your post with my readers @ Dear Behavior Anny.
What if the other person (your spouse) consistently responds your request to be heard with harshness because of their own issues? What’s the hands free way to handle that hurt?
Sarah, I’m the parenting/life coach who assists Rachel with reader’s questions. She has invited me to reply to yours. I hope you will find this helpful.
To have your spouse consistently respond with harshness when you need to be heard is so frustrating! I’m glad you brought it up here, because I know you are not alone.
You want to be heard and need to be heard; you are right about that! That’s why it hurts so much when your spouse is unable to listen to you even when you are at the point of dish-breaking desperation that Rachel describes in her post.
The Hands Free way to handle that hurt is to bring love to yourself first. You have taken a step toward that already by recognizing that there is nothing wrong with you for wanting to be heard. As you said, your spouse’s harshness is not because of you, it’s because of their own issues.
Since your spouse’s issues are preventing them from listening AND you need to be heard, the next thing to do is listen to yourself. Stop as Rachel recommends and turn away. You might need to clench your fists and your teeth to meet your need for power so you can do that, but in the moment the best thing to do is to find a mental or physical space where you can have an immediate dialog with yourself out loud, in your head, or on paper, whichever works best for you. You will be amazed at how effective being heard can be even if the one hearing you is yourself.
Answering back as your own listener and addressing yourself as “you” are key. It could sound like this:
You: “I’m so frustrated! They never listen to me. I even asked, and that still didn’t work! I’m at the end of my rope. I feel so shut down! I don’t know why I even try…”
Yourself: “You hate that. You need to be heard. You want them to understand that being heard is important to you, because it is! It is very important to you! You feel completely shut down!”
You: “I do! I feel like nothing I say matters.”
Yourself: “And that is so painful for you! Yet you keep trying, every time! You can’t give up. You won’t give up! What you say matters, and you want to be heard! You will always want that. That’s how you feel loved. There must be something you can do…”
When you are able to express yourself fully, no holds barred, and respond as your loving higher self, you become your own coach. Being heard can move you from anger to tears to calm (without throwing dishes), help you clarify what you want, solidify your resolve, and help you step into problem-solving. Then you will be ready to work with your spouse to come up with a plan for changing these painful moments into moments that bring you closer together.
To come up with a plan, you will need to find a time when you are both calm and able listen to each other. People can generally listen when they know you are on their side, so hopefully that’s true of your spouse as well. If they can never listen to you, even when you agree, then you may need to find a relationship counselor who can mediate between you two and teach you how to do that for yourselves.
But assuming you can have a rational problem-solving conversation with your spouse when you are both calm, instead of starting at the point of disagreement (which is where most couples start and why they end up back in the fight), the place to start is at a point of complete agreement so you know you have the same goals.
For example, you probably both want to be able to look forward to greeting each other and sitting down together at the end of the day. You probably want to feel supported by each other and be able to relax in each other’s company. You probably both want to feel understood, heard, and loved. You probably want to be on the same side. What else?
Once you see that you both want the same things, then you can address your more difficult moments, like 1) when you disagree and both want to be heard; 2) when your spouse is immersed in something and you want to be heard; or 3) vice versa.
What solutions would work for you both in each of those situations? If it’s taking turns listening, which one of you will go first? That can matter since it will be hard for either of you to listen until you have been heard.
Who knows…in this process, you might even discover that you both just like to hear that you are right. It might sound funny, but when my husband and I realized that about ourselves, we started taking turns. One day I would tell him he was right about everything we would normally argue about, and the next day he would tell me. What that accomplished for us was to lighten things up, make “being right” less important, and bring us closer together by laughing at ourselves. It quickly became a kind of “in” joke between us, and it still brings a smile.
When you come up with a solution of your own, try it out by role playing because by now you probably have some deeply ingrained patterns to overcome. Even just listening to each other one at a time with the sole intention of understanding (no judging, no fixing, or no contradicting) can feel foreign until you practice it a while, but it may be exactly what it takes to turn this around.
If you find that listening to understand is hard to do, practice in the easy moments first (times when you agree) until it feels more natural. It is very different than listening to make your own point which is what most of us have been raised to do.
My little handbook SAY WHAT YOU SEE teaches listening as the first coaching skills parents can use to bring out the greatness in their children, but it applies to adults, too. Just like with children, the quickest way to get someone to listen to you is to listen to them first–fully and completely. If you are interested in learning more, you can find it here: http://www.languageoflistening.com/resources/read-swys-book/
Warmly,
Sandy
PS Since this Q&A could help my readers, too, would you be comfortable allowing me to share it in my future books, blog posts, or other writings? If that is OK with you, or if you have any questions, please email me at sandy @ languageoflistening.com [no spaces] Thank you!
Sandy, this is incredibly helpful! It is so empowering to know that hearing ourselves and validating our feelings is something we CAN do to help ourselves feel heard! WOW. And the step by step advice for working through it with our spouses or significant others is tremendously insightful. I am going to share this on the FB page where a thread of women shared that they had given up on being heard by their spouses. I think they will find this very encouraging and hopeful. You are a blessing, Sandy!!!
Rachel, I am delighted that you plan to share my self-coaching approach on your FB page to help your other readers. It works remarkably well. I hope Sarah gets a chance to see it, too. Thank you <3
Beautiful, thank you.
Finally someone who gets it…I have had a couple of these moments recently and felt extremely guilty about feeling like a terrible influence on my kids.
This is such relief to read. I will definitely try to apply your principles.
Thank for being so honest!
Thank you, Jill. This brings great comfort to me to know my story made you feel less alone in your struggles and gave you hope.
Rachel, THANK YOU. I so, so needed to read this today. I have to tell you that I can really relate to this post… but in a different way… I can relate to the other side of things. Personally, I tend to “turtle” (keep all the tension inside, and hide) when stressed… which is certainly not healthier than a broken dish moment…but because of that habit of mine, I’ve had a hard time understanding my husband’s broken dish moments. I’m learning to listen, to look him in the eye, to offer the gift of myself when he’s stressed. It hasn’t been easy changing the way I respond to him, but it is WORTH IT. Thank you for helping me see this struggle in a new kind of light, for helping me understand him better. And I am so, so grateful that you are not afraid to talk about hard things, especially during holidays, when… you’re right… there are easier things to talk about. But I’m so blessed that you’re here, doing what you do and writing what you write. I love how you said, “There may be less gifts to open as a result of us spending the remaining days of December focused on listening—but perhaps if we do, there won’t be so many broken pieces to pick up.” Borrowing that sentence as my motto for the next two weeks. Thank you, thank you, for reminding us of what matters most, and love and blessings to you ~L
Perfect timing on this beautifully written piece. Thank you for helping me find words for my current feelings. You are a gift to all of us Rachel!
Thank you, Rachel! That means everything.
Thanks for writing about this, Rachel. And thank you to the rest of you for sharing your own stories. I’ve had my own moments these past few months, with plastic cups, but even without broken glass, I feel so small in reflection. But this post has put a “name” to my feelings and in that, I believe will help me tame them in the future. And for all of us hoping our kids remember us for better: My mom threw an entire stack of dishes OUT THE WINDOW over the kitchen sink once. I can see clearly now that she was tired of not being heard too. We joke about it now and my mother is still my parenting hero. In fact, I feel like I hold her in even higher regard after reading this post.
Thank you, Leanne. This was a very meaningful contribution to this post. Your mom gave me a smile and a sign of relief too. 🙂
Beautifully said. My broken dish moments are many. Triggers come to often, yet I’m thankful God stands and hears me.
Thank you, Starla. Beautiful.
Thank you for this. This is what I needed to read today. To know the extreme reaction has a root cause.
Every time I come here to see what you’re shared, I come away awed by your skill in conveying deep and powerful human needs. In my line of work, we are not therapists but we are often the only person that our clients feel is in their corner, on their side, or there for them, as they take on the world. Because of insurance requirements, and because we visit them at home, we have to have laptops to record progress notes and do all kind of documentation. It bothers me that I have to take notes, click a million boxes, and break eye contact to look at the screen, because I know it interrupts human connection. I try to save the typing for last, but sometimes it seems like the system is intentionally designed to constantly disrupt the connection between people, rather like cell phones. It’s a paradox of connecting us to everything while simultaneously disconnecting us.
I am the Exact same way! I never really understood it until recently. When I am heard, I feel loved. ❤
I’ve read this article several times. Thank you for your clarity and comforting words. I’m not the only one. Im not a bad person. There is a better way and it will take practice.
❤❤❤
I appreciate this more than you will ever know. Thank you for telling me.
Rachel, apparently this post really resonated with me, because I keep coming back to it ? I wanted to contribute to the discussion- as someone who struggles more with the listening end of things. This is a post I wrote back in May, called “the smallest (biggest) gift,” about how I learned to offer my husband the gift of empathy through listening. Feel free to delete this if it’s not ok to post here. Thank you and happy new year friend! http://www.howtobless.com/?p=139
Whoa! That is a life-changing and beautiful “gift,” my friend! I love this: “Now when one of us seems to be carrying an invisible weight, we’ll sit each other down at our little kitchen table and say, “Five minutes. Just talk.” The “five-minute” description isn’t a way to put a limit on it, or to cause us to take turns; it’s just a way to press pause on the day and initiate listening.
And the minutes pass by, and we connect in a different way, in a friend-way. Maybe our stresses don’t float away like so many bubbles, but at least we’re not alone in them. And we know that even if we don’t have the answers, we’re still offering up something special. Because when we find our listening ears, and we find our loyal hearts, we find a bit of patience, and offer it to each other? That’s a simple gift with a big impact.”
This is brilliant and I am so grateful you shared! You are a wonderful writer & lovely human being. I am blessed to be your friend!
Oh Rachel, this blew me away. Thank you, thank you so much. I have a story of broken plate or two. Mine were broken phones. The shame I feel when remembering still brings tears to my eyes. You braking it down and explaining about not being heard has given me such incite to myself. And amazingly it’s given me insite to my wonderful little 7 year old. I think she is not feeling heard. Today I will hear her. Thank you so much.
I had hoped to come to the Florida weekend to hear you. Now my Mum is visiting from Ireland that weekend but I am keeping a close eye on your events to find another one that works for me.
Thank you, Emer! This means so much to me! Together, there is hope!