“Oh that I would go through storms
Know my soul is better for it
Oh my heart to face the pain
My mind, it'd move past yesterday
No, I just want to be a better man
No, I just want to be a better man
As I go.”
–Judah and the Lion, Better Man
When I went into my father-in-law’s calling hours and Celebration of Life, I went with openness. I vowed to be all there. After all, when would I cross paths with some of these people? Never. Therefore, I felt there was a purpose for every conversation and every interaction.
One of the most meaningful—dare I say, life changing—conversations happened at the very end of Ben’s Celebration of Life service. In fact, many people had begun to leave. My feet, however, remained firmly planted. Speaking to me was one of my father-in-law’s neighbors. Because Ben lived alone, his neighbors played vital roles, especially in the end when Ben became quite weak.
This particular friend had left a voicemail on Ben’s phone shortly after he died. My husband listened to it; Ben’s friend wanted him to know about the latest upset in the NCAA tournament. It was then that I realized the two had one of those special everyday friendships. They shared the important and the inconsequential. They shared life. The man stood before me now in the funeral home with teary eyes.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked.
He pressed his hands together nervously. “I lost my son at age fourteen,” he said unexpectedly. “I realized then that the world would keep turning, and I could either jump off or ride along; I chose to ride along.”
The man’s words hit me like a slap in the face. I was not expecting to be privy to such a sacred piece of his story. Plus, this particular piece came painfully close to home. Just days before, I was alone in a hotel room in Canada thinking the unthinkable. In a moment of deep despair and irrationality, I wondered if I should hang on or jump off. What feels incredibly heartbreaking to type right now is that for one split second, I thought about leaving … permanently. I’d just gotten off the phone with my husband; I’d let him down. I wondered if the world might be better off without me.
Deep despair, combined with utter exhaustion, grief and loneliness in the midnight hour, can lead you to dark places you never thought you could go.
And that’s exactly where I was.
I had the sense to look at the photos in my phone. I saw this …
And this …
And this …
Instead of taking the fire escape stairwell to the 50th floor, I ran a scalding hot bath and sat there and sobbed. “It will be better in the morning,” I repeated to myself.
In the morning, I reached out to my childhood best friend and steady anchor Kerry who shared wise words that helped me see myself and the situation in a whole new way. I also got a text from my husband that said: “I know you will rock these shows and spread the message my dad wore on his wrist since his diagnosis. I am so proud of you.”
That same day, I began working on my father-in-law’s obituary and poured over pages and pages of notes from our long talk the day before he died. I promised Ben I’d deliver a beautiful message at his Celebration of Life.
“I want to be sure I got this right,” I said to him as I confirmed certain facts and information.
Ben smiled and said, “You’ll get it right, Rach; you always do.”
As I poured my pain into spreading the ONLY LOVE TODAY message in Canada and worked on messages for Ben, I conveniently forgot about my darkest hour thoughts.
That is until this man, Ben’s friend, told me he chose to carry on when his son died.
I did not know this man. I would probably never see him again. But in that moment, I was thankful our paths crossed in this tragic moment in time.
“I am glad you chose to stay,” I said of his decision. “Ben spoke highly of you and really appreciated your company.”
“You know, that’s the oddest thing,” he said. “Ben took care of me, not the other way around. He didn’t say a whole lot, but he was a great listener. We’d sit on his patio, and he’d just listen. He was a kind man. I’m really going to miss him.”
His eyes welled up with tears.
“Are you going to be okay?” I asked again.
“Your Only Love Today book is really helping me,” he said unexpectedly. “I can’t believe your husband gave me a signed copy. I am halfway through, and it’s giving me hope right now. I also feel like it’s a little piece of Ben,” he said.
His comment reminded me of the state of my bed when I returned from my trip to Canada. The bed that had been made before I left was now disturbed. It was obvious my side had been slept in. On my pillow was Dog-Dog – a thirteen-year-old well-loved stuffed animal. While it was once used every night without fail, now it was only brought out in emergency situations.
“Did you sleep in my bed while I was gone?” I asked my teenage daughter.
She nodded. “I couldn’t sleep, so I got in your bed. It smelled like you, and I felt close to you there,” she explained.
Sometimes I don’t think I’m needed.
Sometimes I underestimate my importance.
Sometimes I think the world could go on just fine without me.
Sometimes I make stupid mistakes and poor choices and beat myself up.
Sometimes, in my darkest hour, I think horrible things I would never speak out loud.
Sometimes I look at myself and don’t like what I see.
Sometimes I look at myself and I see a mess.
But in these painful, heartbreaking, and uncomfortable moments of life, I know with certainty that I am in the process BECOMING – I am becoming a better version of myself.
I am Becoming stronger
More compassionate
More enlightened
More considerate
More purposeful
More health conscious
More love filled.
I can’t see it on the outside; but I can feel it deep within. It is important to remember the process of BECOMING often looks UNBECOMING on the outside.
The irritability, the spontaneous tears, the puffy eyes, and the angry tone make us want to turn away from ourselves and our loved ones, but that is when we most need to turn toward each other and hold on.
My friend Kerry’s advice to me in Canada was to look at my intention – perhaps the action didn’t turn out like I wanted it to, but my intention was “beautiful,” she said. “Don’t let one piece of the story ruin the whole thing,” she wisely added.
I share her words with you because they’re too good, too important to be kept to myself.
With every painful struggle, every heartbreak, and every honest look inward,
With every difficult conversation, every holy interaction, and every gut-wrenching experience,
We are learning, growing, blossoming.
By choosing to ride along through the turbulence of life, we are becoming better versions of ourselves.
Each day our lives are being written. And one letdown, one failure, one flaw, one mistake doesn’t ruin the whole story. (Thank you, God.)
This confirms what I said to a packed funeral home at the end of Ben’s Celebration of Life message. I said, “Ben admitted he had struggles, but he tried to live a good life. I think we can all agree he nailed the ending. The ending was perfect … it was all about love. And that means he has no end.”
Dear ones, let’s choose to focus on our contributions – not our deficiencies.
Because someone breathes easier when we are near.
Someone holds onto a piece of us for comfort.
Someone sees us as a caregiver, a good listener, an everyday friend.
Someone sees us as a sanctuary.
Someone can’t imagine life without us.
Perhaps we will be lucky enough to know it someday.
But for now, let’s choose to believe it is so.
Only love today.
Love makes good things possible,
In the beginning,
In the end,
And in our darkest hours.
*Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or click here for website. You are not alone.
***********************************
Free eBook available NOW for anyone experiencing a desolate December:
Dear ones, I know that 2018 has been a hard year for many of us. Perhaps you are at a desolate point right now. I hope you know that you are not alone. My turning point during one of those desolate Decembers was the moment when the notion popped into my head that in spite of all the regrets I had accumulated, there was still time to salvage the situation. What saved me from sabotaging another day with guilt, regret, and misery, was the realization that today matters more than yesterday, and today awaits my presence with open arms.
Small, barely noticeable efforts to show up for my life became my passageway through the pain and struggle, leading me to valuable gifts of discovery that transformed life. I have shared 6 of these small steps in a free little eBook called FINISHING WELL: A YEAR-END GUIDE TO TURNING PAIN INTO PURPOSE & HEARTACHE INTO HOPE.
Although the book was just released yesterday (12/8), I have already received responses like this:
- “Rachel, I'm only a few pages in but I'm already incredibly moved. It's as if the letter you wrote to your friend was also written to me. I'm looking forward to reading the rest because I know it will be just what my battered heart needs: “turning pain into purpose and heartache into hope.” -M.B.
- Thank you SO much for this. I’ve just spent the last 30 minutes reading when I had a list a mile long of things I need to be doing because my heart told be this would be worth it. I needed this, right here in this moment. The shift that reading this is causing will ripple forth to affect everyone I come into contact with.” -P.W
Click here to download your free eBook here, for a limited time.
Also, registration is opening soon for my supportive online course, SOUL SHIFT. Beginning January 21, I will be coming into your home through short videos to equip and encourage you. You will receive empowering daily messages and be part of a supportive online community led by me. My skills as a teacher, writer, encourager, truth teller, and hope bearer are merging to help you live the life you most want to live. Click here to enter your email address so you can be notified when the course registration opens on January 7th at a discounted price. I am so excited to experience this transformative journey with you!
My friends, thank you so much for being my safe place, for loving me “as is,” and supporting my work through the purchase of my books. If you have not picked up a copy of ONLY LOVE TODAY, it is available at Target, Barnes & Noble, and Amazon. Each purchase lets my publisher know my work is valued and should continue. Thank you for being part of The Hands Free Revolution. Your support brings light to my life.
Thank you, Rachel for your bravery in sharing this. I can imagine it wasn’t easy but so important and impactful. It is so true where we see lack, others see beauty. Where we see ourselves failing, we are making a difference to someone so long as we continue to choose to show up. And you have made a difference to countless readers including me. Beautiful. ❤️
Thank you, dear Katie, for taking the time to encourage me with such loving and affirming words. This means everything.
Painful thoughts and feelings, and sometimes, even when it seems that the world would be better off without us, even when we’re gasping for air and fighting through the pain, sometimes the hardest choice is to take that breath. Thank you, dear Rachel for sharing this pain. Yesterday we found out that the founder of the Semicolon Project passed away last week. We (as in the whole world, even your whole neighbourhood, right down to your whole family) need your voice to help keep people strong, but also in sharing this, to let people know that it’s okay to feel that pain and to keep breathing and to keep trying. I know I’m not being very articulate. Suicide prevention is near and dear to my heart and to hear you address it so honestly is beautiful. Thank you.
“We (as in the whole world, even your whole neighbourhood, right down to your whole family) need your voice to help keep people strong, but also in sharing this, to let people know that it’s okay to feel that pain and to keep breathing and to keep trying.” – I won’t forget this incredibly beautiful and healing affirmation.
Trust me. You are definitely NOT alone. Seems like the distance between feeling really strong, capable, needed, and loved then the polar opposite is a million miles wide. What surprises me the most is how quickly I can travel that far!
P.S. I think shame is the nasty bus that loves to give us free rides.
So profound! You are right, Connie! Thank you for meeting me in the light of realness. I appreciate you.
Thank you for sharing such a difficult, personal moment with the world. There is so much pain and struggle in life, and your words make a difference to me and to so many. Thank you for sharing such a meaningful and important message. I will be sharing it with others who are in need of your words….
You most definitely are not alone. I discovered your writing only a few weeks ago, and have been astounded that someone else has seemingly felt so similar to what I’ve experienced. This piece certainly drives that one home. I don’t even truly know you, yet would be devastated should you have acted on that impulse. At the same time, I’ve had the same notion that no-one would really care if I acted on my own such thoughts, save the inconvenience it would cause in their lives. Perhaps it’s time to let those thoughts go, and give ourselves the grace of granting the same worth to ourselves as we do to others. So thank you for pouring your heart out for the world to share. It’s certainly help lift some of the weight that has been heavy on me for a long time. Hugs and solidarity to you <3
You don’t know how much I needed to see this today. Thank you, Rachel – sincerely.
I’m praying for you today, Rachel. May you feel God’s peace, love and Presence. You are never alone, and you are loved by so many. Over the last few years you have impacted my life in ways that have helped change who I am at the core. I am forever grateful.
There is absolutely NO DOUBT in my mind that this post was meant to reach me today. Just last night, my middle child confided in me that one of his friends was having suicidal thoughts. This post may very well save his life. Thank you.
Oh my heart. I am so glad your child confided in you, Lisa. I will be praying for safety, hope, and healing for your son’s friend.
Thank you, Rachel. I shared the post with my son in hopes that he will share it with his friend. I am so thankful for your blog; your writing really moves me.
I have had those days and nights, too. Times when my walking/sobbing meditation has been: My children need me. my children need me. Night times are often the time when my scariest thoughts come out and I get stuck in my spiral. Doing something to interrupt the spiral is what helps – drink a tea, read a book (especially something which requires some concentration). Just anything to interrupt the thoughts in my head.
Apart from your special place in your own family, you have brought love and hope and kindness into so many other families’ lives. I can’t wait for your book to arrive (not yet released in the UK) and have already had it delivered to friends in North America.
I am so glad that you took your hot bath, made your phone call in the morning and are safe.
Thank you, Jennifer. So much wisdom, hope, and promise in your beautiful, honest words. I love this community with all my heart.
I am so appreciative of you and your family, and for sharing what is the hardest to bear—the loss of those loved ones we hold so dear.
After many long sad years I love your words and know they ring true about choosing to ride along, and to recognize the gifts that are before us…just coming towards us…to witness and bless us if we open up our hearts. Ben’s neighbor is just such a gift, dear one. As Ben was to him…
This I know…that my beloved brother and soul mate, whom I lost to suicide seven years ago, is with me…he exists and he now has no worries and he knows everything. Imagine.
I have experienced those dark thoughts of the soul, but then my world will spark my joy again, and I am glad I stayed to witness and be blessed by this gift.
Thank you for sharing your grief…its ok…we’re here for you and love to hear about Ben and how precious he was and is…
Hold close to your family and your life, you have much to share with us.
I’ve been struggling with this lately, too. Shame and loss of hope can overshadow our love of self and others. My children need me to fight and be present for them–a flawed me is still better than no me. Not sure why I can’t face my problems head on, but your words make me want to try.
This makes me feel hopeful for both of us, Ellen. Thank you, dear one. So much love and strength to you.
You are an amazing lady Rachel! You guide many with your honest thoughts. You guide us with your imperfections and help us to understand that we are not alone. I believe that I can speak for many…WE APPRECIATE YOU!
I have found that when I feel like I’m suffocating (suicidal) and feel like I can’t do it for another minute I have to call my person. This person will temporarily breathe for me because she knows my struggles. When I say breathe for me, I mean that she shows me a little extra love for awhile. Sometimes a week, sometimes a month; whatever it takes. Once I feel like I can breathe on my own I thank her for her efforts and we keep on moving. Thank you for being you!
Rachel,
Sending you love and gratitude. Thank you for bearing your soul to this world, we are forever grateful! Reading comments of other readers make me feel accepted and understood without ever meeting any of them. Your life’s work and journey has impacted my life in beautiful ways….Thank You for your bravery, honesty and love!
Selfishly…I am so happy you chose to type out your thoughts and to remain a beacon of hope to so many (including myself). Let us be your mirror sometimes. It’s hard to see your own beauty, but I can tell you that yours is inspiring. Keep writing, sharing, loving, and living.
Rachel, I am sending you love and hugs for sharing your very important message. I have all three of your books, and you have profoundly influenced my life. You have allowed me to see things from a different vantage point, you have made me wish my children were little again, so I could be the kind of mother that you are to your children.
I cannot even imagine to think of you not being here to encourage your readers, your family, your friends. I am sending prayers of thanks for you, and prayers of strength for you. Please keep inspiring us with your writing and sharing. And again, I send my love.
Thank you, dear Donna. This means so much to me.
My struggles have been lifelong and I honor the intention of sharing your pain so that others know they are not alone. I have shared mine more fully than I could have imagined possible and I have been blessed tenfold. I have tattooed on my body “I am an unfinished sentence”; it was my answer to what for others has been the semicolon project.
Only Love Today means love for yourself too. Thank you.
Thank you, Jori. What a blessing to know your story and your hope.
Wow. The truth in the words. The tangible realness in your story leaves me choked up and at the same time wishing for a cup of coffee at dawn with a person whom I’ve never met. Blessings to you and thank you for sharing your authentic self with the world.
I am so thankful that in that dark moment you chose life, and love. Because you are loved, and needed.
I just wanted to say thank you. I have dark days too – and in my darkest hours it’s hard to remember why I’m here. I just wanted to let you know that in addition to your beautiful family who love and need you, we (your HFM community) now need you too. Not that you should feel burdened or weighed down by this, but your email that pops up in our inboxes, your comforting words, bring hope and important life learnings to us all. You’re clearly here for a reason, and it must be hard sometimes to keep going, knowing we’re all waiting for you to say something new. But you do it so well. Please keep going. You’ve done so much good already. You might have saved my life – perhaps you’ve saved others too?
Thank you. I truly, truly love you, Jan. I won’t forget these words, this gift, you just gave me.
Hi Rachel,
I’m in tears. You once helped me as a newish mom to four children we had adopted with different needs that had overwhelmed me at one point. Your words and guidance helped me more than I could ever express.
Now I am battling acute myeloid leukemia and I have been in the hospital going on nine weeks now. My babies feel far from me :(. My husband kindly brings them to see me once a week and has started adding another day with each child taking a turn so we may have one on one time. My husband has been amazing! Everyone in our family has started to crack, however :(. There is anger, sadness, loneliness… and sometimes, once in a while… I wonder if it would have been better if I hadn’t made it out of icu. So that all could grieve and move on instead of this horrible uncertainty for our future as a family…. I luckily have a best friend in my sister who has helped carry me through this dark time, but I didn’t share this one yet… your words today helped me so much! I am so thankful that you share your darkest moments so that we may face our own and with hope! I love that you are here, Rachel, and have given so much of yourself to help SO.MANY. Lots of love, hugs, and prayers!
Oh sweet friend!!! I feel your hand in mine. Can you feel mine in yours??? From this moment on, I will be rooting for you … cheering for you … believing in you … PRAYING for you! Please email me your hospital address. I MUST get a care package to you this week!!! rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com. I can’t wait to hear from you.
Me too. (The two most important words anyone in despair can hear.) me too.
Thank you. Once again for speaking my heart.
Dear Rachel,
You are so brave. You have such a beautiful heart.
We need you to STAY with us. I’m so sorry you went through that hard night.
I wish we all could have surrounded you in hugs right then and there.
I know this is an older post but I have been meaning to come back and look for it, when there was
a mention in another post, and I finally did today.
The world NEEDS you here.
THANK YOU for the gift of your insight and words.
The love you pass on and inspire keeps rippling out wider and wider.
With love and gratitude,
– another Kerry
I love people named Kerry. Perhaps you know that since you referred to yourself as “another Kerry” … I have three dear friends Kari, Kerry, and Carrie who all comforted me during that time in my life … and now here you are with this beautiful message of love and support. I will save this forever and read on the next dark night. Thank you, Another Angel Kerry, for being the light.
Just found you today via a friend – when I read your post I thought of my father. He would always say, “the job of the living is to carry on!” He would also say you go to funerals to support the people that are there because the person that is gone you should have already done that (he said it way better but you get the jist.)
thank you
I have had more than one of those darkest hours in my life. They started as a teenager, and the last one was nearly 12 years ago. The fear, the desperation, the darkness are things that are hard for me to remember. When I am in a good place those moments are hard to comprehend. But, I am also know now so many things I didn’t know in those moments. 12 years ago is the closest I ever got to following through, and I didn’t because of the slimmest piece of hope. My thought was that by doing that it was kill my mum and dad and sister, and I couldn’t do that to them. What I see now is that knowing how much I meant to them gave me the smallest piece of hope that I needed to stay alive. And, things to shift and change and they are better now.
Thanks for sharing your story. I truly believe that telling these stories helps others when they are in those moments. Maybe by knowing they are not alone, maybe by seeing that there is hope, or maybe by knowing that people will listen, not judge and support them. Keep on doing all of those things, you are making the world a brighter place.
Thank you, dear Danielle. I am so moved by your story. I am grateful you chose to stay and you are here. So much love and gratitude RMS
Rachel, I am so glad you are here and your written words with you! I have spent the day baking my mom’s recipes for Christmas goodies to ship to my grown children and grands tomorrow. My mother passed away August 7 of this year, though I was losing her to Alzheimers for two years prior to her death. My mind is swirling with grief, regret, guilt and unmet expectations of loved ones in my life. Your words, ” Perhaps we will be lucky enough to know it someday. But for now, let’s choose to believe it is so.”, encouraged me and gave me such hope. Thank you for being you and loving us as we work on becoming brighter lights in this world.
Thank you, dear Cindy. I feel your hand in mine & it gives me hope too. All my love.