“‘Cause I got issues
But you got 'em too
So give 'em all to me
And I'll give mine to you
Bask in the glory
Of all our problems
‘Cause we got the kind of love
It takes to solve 'em.”
–Julia Michaels, Issues
Today my older daughter concludes her first full year as a teenager. As we navigated 13 together, it became increasingly apparent that the most common teen labels are negative, inaccurate, and hindering. I was warned of 13 – and I must admit, these warnings created anxiety and set negative expectations. I found myself bracing for the horrendous things I’d read and heard about. Perhaps you’ve heard the negative stereotypes. It’s hard not to. Guess who else hears them? The teens themselves. I didn’t fully comprehend what this awareness meant until my daughter showed me a poem she wrote for creative writing class in May. It was a form poem, and this is what she wrote:
My daughter’s words took me by surprise and brought tears to my eyes. “This message is so important,” I said to her after collecting myself. “I think this poem could help people. May I have permission to publish it?”
My daughter said she would think about it.
Six weeks later, she said yes.
As I publish this message to the world on Natalie’s 14th birthday, I think of many people I want to send it to …
I want to send it to the youth minister of a church we attended a few months ago. While addressing the congregation, he made a joke about parents desperately wanting to “ship off” their teens. Everyone laughed while my daughter shifted uncomfortably in her seat.
I want to send it to my former neighbor who looked at my happy child a few years ago and said, “Just you wait. Once she becomes a teenager, all that sweetness disappears.”
I want to send it to the high school teacher who often stopped by my classroom during my first year of teaching. After learning I was the Junior Class Sponsor, he said he felt “sorry” for me to have to spend extra time with those “selfish brats.”
I want to send it to the man who rudely interrupted his daughter when she spoke to me because “teenagers just like to hear themselves talk,” he said.
I want to send it to parents who focus so intently on their teen’s areas of weakness that they fail to see they are potential strengths in need of nurturing.
I want to send it to every person who eagerly dismisses the words, ideas, and opinions of teens because they think they are not valid.
What many don’t realize about these negative teen labels is that they stick; they influence; they harm, and they undermine. They can mean the difference between floundering and flourishing … grief or grace … doubt and promise … holding on or giving up – and not just for teens, but for parents too.
The impact of labels has taken on greater meaning as I watch homeless animals be adopted or be overlooked at the cat shelter where my daughters and I volunteer. When two of the kittens we fostered last summer were returned recently by their owner, my daughters and I were heartsick. Their owner surrendered them saying they were too wild, too energetic, and too destructive to be in his home any longer.
On the day of their surrender, my ten-year-old daughter and I went to see them. To our relief, they were every bit as loving and affectionate as they were when they lived with us. Although they were much bigger now, we could still see the precious kittens we loved so dearly within them.
“Oh no,” I said to Avery as I read the description card attached to their cage. The description that all prospective adopters would read to decide if Madras and Clover would make good pets was quite dismal.
One sentence was all that was written, and it reported they had been returned by their owner. My daughter and I looked at each other sadly knowing this negative label would drastically reduce their chance of ever finding a forever home.
“How old are they now?” Avery asked.
“They are twelve months,” I said.
Her face lit up. “Remember that chart we saw at the vet's office? Twelve months means they’re teenagers! This explains why they have extra energy and big feelings. And to think they were returned for that!” she said angrily.
I was struck by this child’s brilliance and compassion! “You are so right!” I agreed. I immediately reached into the file cabinet, grabbed new cards, and re-wrote their descriptions based on everything we knew about these two beautiful, teenage cats.
My hope is that people will read the description cards and focus on the goodness within – because it is there. And once they see the goodness, it will be easier to see possibility and promise.
The experience at the cat shelter reminds me of the birthday cards my daughter Natalie received from her friends at her 14th birthday party held in our basement. She planned the party herself – from nail painting to jewelry making to eating Dō (safe raw cookie dough) instead of cake. I offered to help with the cleanup and collected all her cards in a stack. I noticed how each young lady spent time writing down all the things they loved about Natalie and the goodness they saw in her. One particular comment struck me profoundly. This friend wrote: “Thank you for allowing me to figure out my life plan and showing me the importance of being kind to others.”
While some adults overlook the goodness in teens, young people see it in each other. Perhaps that is why they want to spend so much time together and confide in each other. Perhaps that is why they are perceived by adults as sullen, irritable, and withdrawn. If someone constantly misjudged you, labeled you, or dismissed you, you would probably avoid them too.
If you ask me, negative teen stereotypes are a cop out. Saying teens are “difficult” is an easy way to rid ourselves of any responsibility. Labels allow us to throw our hands in the air declaring, “Teens will be teens.” Labels allow us to deny the critical stage kids are in – a stage of growing into themselves, finding their way, cultivating their gifts. But it is a stage of life that they most need us as their ally – someone who looks sees their goodness and voices it so they always remember their worth.
If things have been difficult with a teen or tween that you love, consider the negative stereotypes that may have influenced your feelings or made you feel unequipped. Let the labels go. Offer yourselves a blank slate. Look at your beloveds and remember how they smiled at you when they were little. That promise you saw in their bright eyes is still there, and they need you to see it now more than ever. If you see promise and possibility in them now, they are more likely to see it in their future. As my daughter beautifully illustrates in her poem, “One Window,” our teens can better our world if given a chance …
“One window is all I need
To find true friends
To see beauty in everything
To appreciate what I have.One window is all I need
To follow my dreams
To help others
To notice good in everyone.One window is all I need.”
-NRS
My friends, we can provide a window where dreams are realized and released … or we can secure a cage where growth and hope are limited.
Today I vow to reject the labels and be a window, opening my mind and heart beyond negative stereotypes and misconceptions. I refuse to reduce the options of those enduring the most critical years of life.
I see your goodness, dear teens. It didn’t disappear, but it might have gotten squelched. Count on me to nurture it, so it may be set free.
**********************************************
For a powerful collection of short reads & daily intentions that will help you better know and understand your child, tween, or teen, please consider my latest bestselling book, ONLY LOVE TODAY: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, & Choose Love. It is a flip open, read anytime/anywhere source of daily encouragement with emphasis on and strategies for loving ourselves and children “as is.” Thanks to all who are using the beautiful hardcover version as a gift for anyone who is in need of hope and positivity.
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As a high school teacher especially I love this post. So many teenagers just need someone to listen and help them see who they are, and who they could become and how hard they are trying to figure it all out. Every kid needs a chance to overcome bad stereotypes for their worst moments so that they can reach all the brightest and best. Some of the most fulfilling parts of teaching are helping students see what incredible impact they can have on the world when they never even imagined or saw it in themselves yet.
Beautiful words Rachel and Natalie. Important, life changing words. We get what we expect don’t we? I just loved this and am so touched by your willingness to meet our teens in the as is. They are just on their way…..and not every journey is easy. Love you!
Thank you, Kerry. Sometimes when you write from a teen’s viewpoint on Get Grounded, it makes me emotional. I think it’s because you do such an incredible job of seeing their goodness and being their advocate. You have a gift of connecting with teens and then sharing what you learn so we can connect too.
Happy Birthday to Natalie. She’s a talented poet!
Thank you, Priscilla!!! I will pass this along to her.
I couldn’t figure out how to post a comment on my own so I am piggy backing off of someone else’s. Sorry if that is not the most kosher thing to do, but I am a Children’s Pastor and I would love to pass a print version of your daughter’s poem to our Youth Pastor. I was wondering if you have a printable version?
Thanks,
Kristi
Yes! You sure can. Just send me an email and I will send you a hard copy. Love, Rachel rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com
As the mother of three wonderful young adults, and one child about to become 13 – I LOVE this article and wholeheartedly agree! All of us go through times in our lives where we struggle and times where we are our best selves. As a family, hopefully we can navigate these stages, from infancy through old age, and help one another deal with the tricky combination of hormones, peers, and outside issues that all effect us.
Great article and I hope to read more of your thoughts!
Thank you so much, Jeanne. I appreciate this positive feedback so much.
Thank you. Have had a difficult week with my 16-yr son. I needed this reminder.
As a mom of a 17 year-old “man” and a 21 year-old “woman”, This stung a little. I have both heard and used the stereotypes many times myself. I could have focused more on their strengths- thanks SO MUCH for the reminder that they need more than just parental guidance- they need loving affirmation of what is innately good in them. Great post!
I so needed this today. My 13, almost 14 year old son is growing up and changing. Some days can be quite challenging. I think what I am learning is that I need to embrace who he is….all of him. His hobbies are different than mine, his interests different, and his personality. I need to step back and let him be….and enjoy every minute. I think it would make a big difference in both of our happiness. Thank you to you and Natalie – perfect timing again.
Oh my God, I feel like crying right now!
I have 2 beautiful daughters, 5 and 7. I am scared of the dreaded “teenager years”, I will admit. But why I feel like crying right now is that lately every time they tell me they love me, that they want to hug me forever, that they will never leave me, I tell them – in a teasing way – that all of this will change one day, and to put it in writting. That I am enjoying this right now because one day “you will not want to hug me so much”. And they assure me that this is a lie and that they will never stop hugging me/wanting to be with me.
Have I already planted the negative seed??
I am saying it as “a joke” to them but I know that this is to protect myself, to “brace myself” for the “inevitable”… After reading your post I understand how wrong this is and I’ll never say stuff like this to them again. I want them to want to spend time with me, to hug me, to love me. I want to stay “mommy” for them, not just another adult around. So I HAVE TO STOP planting that negative seed!!
Thank you, thank you, thank you!!
This is so on point. I have a 13 year old stepdaughter and sometimes I struggle to know how best to interact with her. I can tell she is questioning lots of things about life at the moment and at times I feel ill-equipped to answer. I even find her questions annoying sometimes! But your article has reminded me of the beauty of those teenage years and the importance of nutruring teens through all that uncertainty, the ups and downs, questioning and change. Thank you for providing a new and fresh perspective on parenting teens😀
You have brought up a very important issue. It is a reminder that we are subject to so many messages today that are not necessarily our truth. We as parents have to work hard to examine these messages, making sure that we are acting in ways that do not violate our belief system.
Thank you! This is so well-timed as my husband and I prepare to welcome my 13 year old nephew to our home for a week. I’m so excited for him to stay with us, and I hope to encourage him and let him shine. Happy birthday to Natalie!
This is such an important post. I work with teenagers as a music teacher and teenagers are just people too! Generally lovely people who are trying to figure out who they are, growing huge amounts, and trying to do their most important school qualifications at the same time! My daughter’s next birthday will be 13, and I can guarantee just because she is a ‘teenager’ it is not going to change the essence of who she is: loving, kind, compassionate, helpful, gentle, creative, organised. She will just grow more confident in those attributes and become more independent in herself. We were actually hugging the kitchen last night after we realised that in 5 and a half years, depending what she wants to study when she leaves school, she could have moved out of home! We realised how little time we may have left living in the same house, 5 years is not that long! and both she and I felt a little sad!
Once again, your message comes across from such a place of kindness and grace. Thank you!!! My amazingly sensitive, kind, and clever daughter isn’t yet 8 years old but I hear the ‘just you wait’ babble from folks all the time. What a relief to finally see my hopes and dreams for how my relationship to my children, once they become teenagers, can blossom and not be dragged under by the negativity! I plan to revisit your wise wonderful words in a few years when I need a reminder, as I’m sure I will.
Thank you for taking the time to say this, Larissa! It is always so encouraging to know when the time and effort I put into a blog post was well worth it! I love to know how this resonated with you!
Wow Rachel. You don’t know how much I needed this right now! I am dealing with this already with my 9 year old daughter. My Mother in Law takes provides day care for my 2 girls (9 and 7) and has since my eldest was 8 weeks old. Recently the two of them can’t agree on anything, and they both are starting to really not like each other. My Mother in Law says very openly in front of my daughter “she is a rude child” and she is always telling that to her face. My husband and I both have intervened several times and told her not to talk to her like that, and to receive respect, she must give respect. I have even tried to nurture a one-on-one relationship between them by providing gift cards for her to take my daughter on a “date” to Panera and Barnes and Noble. It ended up being a disaster.
I have printed this out to give to her today when I get home. I am hoping it opens her eyes that the labels she uses on my daughter are creating a bigger problem. I am worried that their relationship will get to a point of no recovery.
Thank you for always providing a light in a time of darkness. I have been praying about this situation, and I feel that reading this is the answer to my prayer!
Tracie, I am so grateful my message affirmed the feelings and concerns you already had. I pray that your mother in law understands the damage she is doing to her granddaughter as well as their relationship. Here is a post I wrote about regaining respect from kids and teens that has some healing practices in it that go both ways. Many of my readers have used the strategies and they have really helped heal strained relationships. PS If you need the word document, just email me. rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com So much love and hope to you https://www.facebook.com/TheHandsFreeRevolution/photos/a.149731118410856.36823.148689625181672/1479073375476617/?type=3&theater
Thankyou so much for this beautiful article Rachel….it is lovely to read a gentle perspective on teenagers, especially in a world of negative and demeaning attitudes towards that age group. As a mother of teenagers, I have had my fair share of “uggghhh” moment, but I really like teenagers and this article is a beautiful way to change the perception. Thanks again xxx
PS Happy Birthday to your beautiful girl xx
Thank you, Lee. That touched my heart.