A Reasonable Test for Remaining Calm & Compassionate During Distressing Times

This summer, while working on breaking a long and unhealthy relationship with diet soda, I had an ugly outburst. At the time, my head was throbbing from the caffeine withdraw, and I was mad at myself for not listening to my urologist two years ago when she said it was imperative I stop drinking it. As I grumbled to myself in the kitchen that morning, every crumb on the floor glared at me. I hollered at my daughters to come help sweep and was met with a very lethargic 10-year-old who had a sore knee. She half-heartedly pushed the broom across the floor in no particular direction.

After watching for a few minutes in irritation, I aggressively instructed her to “put some muscle into it!” When she made minimal improvement, I spouted off a long tirade of complaints. As the harsh words tumbled out of my mouth, I cringed. I sounded so unreasonable. So erratic. So irrational. So unhinged.

But in my state of duress, I could not pull it together.

The mediocre sweeping stopped abruptly and the girl pushing the broom began to cry.

“Mom,” intervened my 14-year-old calmly, “We know you’re trying to do something hard right now with the Coke Zero, but please don’t be mean to us. Avery is trying.”

My daughter Natalie saw to the root of the problem, and she responded calmly and compassionately. It was a winning combination.

She’s being reasonable. I thought to myself. I am not. I should follow her lead.

I instantly calmed.

Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.

Volatility wanes in the presence of calm.

Conflict eases in the light of compassion.

This is what I know.

If it hadn’t been for the Coke Zero meltdown, I might have forgotten about my security blanket Unreasonable. For decades, I clutched it like a protective shield when I was fearful, anxious, angry, sad, or stressed. My sister was the best one at spotting the deeper issue behind my unreasonable behavior and addressed it with a calm and steady, “How can I help, Rachel?”

Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.

Volatility wanes in the presence of calm.

Conflict eases in the light of compassion.

This is what I know.

Over the past six years, I’ve learned to detect when I’m starting to latch on to Unreasonableness. I start to feel it weigh down my body. My heart begins racing. I can’t breathe or think straight. I start yelling orders at people or myself, as if to control an uncontrollable situation.

Those unpleasant feelings and behaviors alert me to repeat my sister’s words. I say to myself: How can I help Rachel? Those words help me stay in a rational place where communication opens up and help can be received.

Although it may sound odd, I’m thankful for my decades with Unreasonableness. The growth and awareness stemming from it prepared me for the most recent challenging season in my family members' lives. Grief from the loss of a parent and hormonal changes in adolescence created a storm of emotional ups and downs this past spring and summer. Pain and uncertainty created a breeding ground for unreasonable behavior.

But given the work I’ve done on myself, I was ready and equipped.

When irritability and anger would surface, I recognized them as grief and depression. When moodiness and negativity presented themselves, I recognized them as teen angst. When nail biting and forgetfulness arose, I recognized it as anxiety. Although I am still a work in progress, I was able to look past my family members’ behaviors and see a deeper source of pain. This helped me remain calm and compassionate in times of distress.

I noticed these meltdowns often occurred when things seemed out of the person’s control. Lost socks … lost keys … lost friendships … lost time … just loss, in general.

One afternoon I received a frantic call from my 14-year-old daughter about a house key she misplaced. In her moment of despair, she lashed out at me. I felt my frustration rising and my defensiveness go on high alert. But instead of matching her unreasonableness with my own, I heard myself whisper: That’s fear talking. She’s afraid the key is gone and she won’t be able to do her job and she may get fired.

I understood that fear, and I knew what to do.

“I can’t help you look right now, but I will in an hour when I get home,” I said calmly. “This is not my fault, but I will be happy to help you look. I’m sure we’ll find it.”

“Okay,” she said quietly.

An hour later, I received a heartfelt apology via text. “I'm sorry for how I acted. I was mad at myself and took it out on you. I found the key once I calmed down,” she said.

I accepted her apology and honestly admitted, “I do that too when I am upset and things are out of my control.”

We are both learning to look past the behavior and see the pain – to stay calm and compassionate in times of distress.

Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.

Volatility wanes in the presence of calm.

Conflict eases in the light of compassion.

This is what I know.

Lately I’ve been thinking how helpful and healing it would be if we could run situations through a Reasonable Test when tensions are running high. It might look like this:

• Is what I am asking or saying reasonable?
• Do I sound like the voice of reason?
• Does my body language match my calm voice and sensible words?

If the answers are no, I am contributing to the conflict. I need to make adjustments so I can be better understood and better understand. I also need to help myself by acknowledging the root of my unreasonableness.

But if the answers are yes and the person on the other side of the conversation is not responding reasonably, it most likely means there is a deeper issue at hand.

Then I would offer one of these reasonable solutions:

a) help
b) compassion
c) space

This is the process I’ve been using to support my family members through their grief, hormonal changes, relationship issues, and back-to-school adjustments – all of which create an unstable environment. This calls me to be steady—to respond consistently and calmly with love, understanding, and compassion.

I see my loved ones taking my lead.

My husband messaged me last week. He texted: “I took a page from your book when my plane landed. I had 90 minutes so I put on my walking shoes, got a couple of cold drinks, and walked until I found someone who looked thirsty.”

This was the same man who was worried when I did this heat-relief mission last summer in response to societal discord and hate-filled rhetoric. But my husband is learning what I’m learning: we must let love lead rather than allowing fear to dictate and divide. Because as you may have guessed, being reasonable, calm, and steady works wonders outside our immediate circle too. You don’t have to know someone intimately to diffuse conflict through awareness, understanding, and compassion.

Just think about the global possibilities for a moment:

What if we were to see beyond external behaviors to consider and acknowledge the internal pain within our brothers and sisters?

What if we were to be a calm and steady voice of reason in our communities –

the voice that says, “How can I help?”

the voice that says, “I was thirsty, so I thought you might be too.”

the voice that says, “I see you, brother. I see you, sister. I stand with you. Lean on me through this unpredictable storm. We'll get through it together.”

Just think of the progress we could make. Just think of the healing that could happen. Just think of the hope that could be created.

Irrationality loses power in the face of reason.

Volatility wanes in the presence of calm.

Conflict eases in the light of compassion.

May we come to know this.

May we come to live this.

Now more than ever before.

A world in distress calls us to be steady—to respond consistently and calmly with love, understanding, and compassion.

We can start with the people right in front of us and work our way out.

Let us lead with love. May hope, healing, and peace follow closely behind.

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Thank you for being part of The Hands Free Revolution. Below are the cities where I will be bringing love, wisdom, and acceptance this fall. For those who are new here, I have written three books: HANDS FREE MAMA, HANDS FREE LIFE, and my latest bestseller is called ONLY LOVE TODAY. All healing mantras that have helped me transform my maxed-out life can be found on cuffs, bracelets, notecards, and hand-lettered prints in the Hands Free Shop. The Made With Love Lunch Notes that quickly sold out are now back in stock! They are perfect for back-to-school anxieties. Hope to see you in one of these places this fall: 

• Mobile, AL– Friday, September 22, 2017. Focus Women’s Conference.  Click here for tickets and information
• Cincinnati, OH– Saturday, October 14, 2017. Tom York Speaker Series located at Knox Presbyterian Church Auditorium in Cincinnati, Ohio. Details found here.
• Indiana, PA – Thursday, October 19, 2017. Indiana Regional Medical Spirit of Women Ladies Night Out. Click here to register.
• Ann Arbor, MI – Saturday, November 18, 2017 9am. Rise and Shine fundraising brunch for GIRLS ON THE RUN at Kensington Hotel. Group tickets available here. Individual tickets will be on sale 9/11. 
• Homewood, AL – Friday, February 2, 2018 7pm. Trinty United Methodist Women Missions Fundraiser. More details coming soon.