“My friends on the cross-country team had to get up at 5am to go to their meet,” my 16-year-old daughter said with admiration as we drove to breakfast on a recent Saturday.
“I think it’s awesome when kids do things that are challenging,” I said. “Just think. Those kids could have slept in… had the whole day to do whatever they wanted… but instead, they did the hard thing and ran for their team.”
My comment prompted Natalie to share how she feels after participating in a Saturday swim meet. She described a sense of accomplishment that comes with sacrifice, effort, and dedication.
Natalie’s beautiful disclosure caused me to blurt out a worry I’d had for over a month.
“I’m really anxious about speaking at the cat shelter fundraiser event,” I admitted. “There will be so many people I know, and it’s so much easier to present to strangers,” I admitted. “But you just reminded me of something. Each time I choose to do something difficult or challenging for me, I always feel really good once when it’s over.”
I held my breath for a moment knowing that out of my two children, Natalie is typically not the one I confide such things in. Avery, my 13-year-old, is more apt to want to hear vulnerable admissions and troubleshoot with me. But if there’s one thing I’ve learned over the past year, it’s that our kids need to see us as human and hear the coping strategies we use to do hard things.
“I totally get that,” Natalie said in response to my confession. “Like when I have to do a presentation in Spanish class. It hard for me to stand up there and know I’m going to make mistakes, but every single time I do it, I feel more confident.”
After a moment of contemplation, Natalie said, “I know you’re going to do great at the fundraiser, Mom.”
Courage, please step forward.
Show us that vulnerability is not a weakness;
In the light of a shared struggle, there is strength.
On the morning of the event, I felt strangely at peace. This time, it was Avery who was nervous. For the first time ever, Avery was joining me on stage. Over the span of several weeks, she and I figured out how to weave three of her songs into my talk. On the day she was due to perform in front of the biggest audience of her life, Avery had woken up with a scratchy throat.
Avery practiced her first song for several minutes, quickly realizing it was impossible to reach the high notes.
She came to me with a look of panic in her eyes.
“What if I cannot sing like I normally do?” Avery asked.
Keeping my voice as calm and steady as possible, I said, “I think the best thing you can do right now is pack up your guitar, drink some warm tea, and trust that your voice and your message – even if they’re a little scratchy or out of tune — is what someone needs to hear today.”
I then wrapped my arms around Avery and said, “Let’s trust that all will be well and if it’s not, I’m confident that you will be able to handle it.”
Courage, please step forward.
Show us what faith and trust look like in action.
When we surrender control, we instantly have what is needed to do our job.
Within a few minutes of arriving at the venue, Avery’s best friend Laila arrived. The giggly duo set off to explore the beautiful facility. As they turned to go, Laila told me not to worry—she would protect Avery from stalkers.
Avery laughed so hard I could actually hear the stress leave her voice.
It wasn’t long before the pair came running back into the quiet room where I was sitting. They excitedly showed me an exquisite journal that had just been given to Avery by a lovely young lady who traveled four hours to attend the event with her sister and mom.
“Mom, look at the quote on the journal!” Avery said in disbelief.
The quote had been Avery’s favorite since she was a little girl.
“If you have good thoughts they will shine out of your face like sunbeams and you will always look lovely.”
― Roald Dahl
Courage, please step forward.
Show us we are so loved that someone has already anticipated our arrival.
To be known by heart confirms we are in the right place.
When Avery and Laila left the room, and I could hear the sound of people filling the venue. When I peeked outside the little room and saw both familiar and unfamiliar faces, my stomach flipped. As if sensing my angst, Laila’s mom peeked in to check on me. When my friend hugged me, my eyes welled up and all my worries came pouring out.
“This is a new talk I have never done. It’s based on the book I just wrote, and I have to be the most vulnerable I’ve ever been. My kids are here. My friends are here. I’m scared,” I confessed in a jumbled commentary.
Britt looked right into my face and said, “Rachel, you’ve been on the Today Show! Remember? Millions of people watched you speak your truth so beautifully! You can do this!”
Never in a hundred years would I have thought of that moment, but it was just the confidence-building reminder I needed – and it also made me laugh, which offered a beautiful stress relief.
Courage, please step forward.
Show us the unexpected ways we’ve been prepared for this moment.
As our senses fill with awe, there is less room for fear.
As soon as the presentation ended, one of the first things I remember people saying was that they couldn’t believe it was our first time presenting together.
“It’s like you and Avery have been doing this for years,” several friends commented.
I made a mental note to tell Corey, Avery’s guitar instructor, how much his help with transitions benefited our talk.
“When your mom says this, it would be a good time for you to go take your position on stage,” Corey instructed Avery as the three of us reviewed the script a week before the event.
When Avery’s hair had gotten in her eye during one of the practice sessions, Corey suggested she consider tying it back.
“I know it sounds silly to talk about your hair, but there will be so many things outside your control on that day that if there’s anything you can manage ahead of time, do it to give yourself peace.”
On the morning of the event, I watched as Avery carefully pulled back the sides of her hair in a pink scrunchy and secured them with pins for extra security.
Courage, please step forward.
Show us tools of security to help us cope with the unknown.
Ground us in peace, even when our voice shakes.
About mid-way through the book signing line, a beautiful young woman from my online course approached. I knew she was flying in from out-of-state but seeing her standing there live and in the flesh felt truly miraculous. I’d met her a year ago at a speaking event in Ohio and would never forget our encounter. She’d waited until the last person had gone through the line to approach me. With shaking hands, she tearfully explained how my work was helping her learn to love and accept herself despite living beneath the weight of rejection most of her life.
The words this young lady used were so powerful that I’d asked if I could take notes. I’d never done that, but it felt critical not to forget what she was saying to me. I ended up using her words to begin tackling a massive project that I believed would help adults reach, connect, and encourage the young people in their lives. To stand there with my beautiful inspirer a year later, the project now complete and scheduled to enter the world, felt surreal.
“If you ever wonder if you matter in this world, you can hold my book in your hands and know you gave me the fuel I needed,” I told her.
Courage, please step forward.
Show us how you bring people together to do things they could not do alone.
After the crowd died down, Natalie walked away from the merchandise table where she and my friend Lynn expertly handled the sales of our handmade bracelets and prints to raise additional funds for the animal shelter.
“Mom, I want a picture with you,” Natalie said.
To most, there would be nothing noteworthy about such a request. But to me, it was one of the most significant moments of the day. This young lady, who shies away from the limelight and avoids attention being drawn to her, wanted a photo together.
Despite having just heard some of my most vulnerable and painful admissions, my daughter wanted to stand beside me and capture the moment.
“You did really good, Mom,” Natalie whispered as we stood close.
Courage, please step forward.
Show us that when we see each other’s scars, we love each other more.
When my daughters and I finally packed up all the equipment and got in the car after the five-hour function, Avery let out an audible sigh.
“Is this how you always feel after a speaking event?” Avery asked breathlessly.
“Do you mean completely exhausted but in the best possible way?” I said laughing.
“Yes!” she said, quickly adding, “When can we do it again?”
Courage, please step forward.
Show us the miracle that forms when we do something bigger than ourselves.
Show us a fire is ignited within when our inherent gift meets a need in the world.
Avery’s response to the fundraising event, despite the challenges and effort it required of her, illustrated the findings of Dr. William Damon, author of A Path to Purpose:
“Kids who have a strong sense of purpose and find what they’re doing to be meaningful, can expend enormous amounts of energy, take on huge challenges, and meet all kinds of demands, and are quite joyful about what they’re doing. All stress is not created equal, and with a sense of purpose, there are built-in protective factors against depression and a host of anxiety disorders.”
As I researched for my forthcoming book, I encountered a seldom mentioned, but life-changing fact about purpose. Finding purpose is not a moment but a process found through trial and error and venturing into new territories. Patrick Deegan-Cook, founder and director of Project Wayfinder, makes this important distinction:
“Young people don’t usually develop a specific purpose and then go become an expert in that thing. Rather, they are exposed to something new that helps them develop their own sense of purpose. In short, experiences lead to developing purpose, not the other way around.”
Unfortunately, many young people today are not being given the chance to experience this critical exploration process. Whether it’s because they’re so overscheduled … or because trials, mistakes, and missteps are viewed as failings … or because their interests are not valued, the result of not being able to discover what gives their life meaning is detrimental.
I will never forget the anonymous card I received after presenting at a local middle school. An 8th grader had written:
“If you don’t know what you want to do with your life, does that mean you will have a bad one?”
My friends, we must step forward. Not only do our kids need us to refute society’s narrow definition of success and the notion that our futures must be figured out right now, but they also need to see the purpose-discovery process in action…
To see us value effort over results
To hear us say, “I am scared, but I’m showing up anyway”
To watch us cope with our angst in healthy ways by planning and preparing
To observe us leaning on faith and trust when it comes to things we cannot control
To see us viewing mistakes as learning opportunities and part of being human
To watch us trying things outside our comfort zone to find what makes us feel alive.
Please don't let the young people in your life believe they’ve failed before they have even begun.
From that place of paralysis, how will they ever find the things that make them say: “I’m exhausted in the best possible way … when can I do that again?”
Courage, please step forward.
Show us how our willingness to be brave becomes the ultimate advantage,
Bringing us closer to one another and the callings of our hearts.
*****************************************************
My friends, I’ve spent the last seven months pouring my time, focus, energy, and love into writing a book about relieving pressure and making real connection with our kids and our very own hearts. As I near the end of the creation process, it feels right to offer some opportunities to make authentic connections so healing discoveries and positive breakthroughs can be made in our online community. Please accept one or more of my upcoming invitations:
1) For the first time ever, I am offering a fall session of Soul Shift, my transformative online course with incredible community support. Registration opens Monday (9.9.19) at a discounted rate for 2 days. Enter your email address here to receive detailed information about the course so you can decide if you’d like to take part when it begins on September 23. (All lessons come in your inbox and can be experienced at your convenience and at own pace.)
2) On the weekend of October 18-20, I’ll be leading a restorative weekend retreat in the redwoods of Santa Cruz County at the renowned 1440 Multiversity where authors & educators such as Elizabeth Gilbert, Cheryl Strayed, Shefali Tsabary, and Deepak Chopra have shared their teachings. This is a unique opportunity to combine inspiration and skill-building, while unwinding on a beautiful 75-acre campus and creating the human connections we all seek. I’d be honored & delighted to meet you there. Click here for all the information.
3) On Monday night (9.9.19) at 8pm EST, I’m offering a live teaching and Q&A on the topic of: “Shifting Toward Connection When Emotions and Distractions Pull Us Apart.” Those who register will receive a recording of the call to view at their convenience if unable to attend live. Click here to register.
I’m grateful to have your hand in mine as we reach for the connection, purpose, and peace that make life worth living.
Only love today,
Rachel
*Thank you, Chris of All About Cats Rescue & Adoption and Amy B. Paulson for the beautiful photos in this post.
I’m in tears. This is just what I needed to hear right now. In two weeks I’m speaking at a Children’s Hospital Fund Raiser. I thought I would be happy to help, and I’ve spoken to groups before. But speaking at a conference to other statisticians about my work seems like a piece of cake compared to standing on a stage (with my daughter accompanying me also) and speaking about her medical problems and the times we thought we would lose her during her childhood. Really, I’m the type of person who is always there for other people. If I make a commitment I follow through. But this is so very very hard and I can’t even look at my script. It makes me tear up just thinking about it.
But I’m going to keep in mind the word COURAGE. I will do it and I will do it well. And there may be another mother in the audience who needs to hear me tell her I got through it, and see my daughter who got through it.
(Okay, I’m tearing up again… I guess if I’m honest I am not quite as confident as I want to be. But I’ll do my best.)
Holding your hand from afar and believing in you. Please let me know how it goes. Thank you for your courage.
I think Dr. William Damon might very well be correct. Looking back on my own life, that hold true.
In sports, I worked very hard during practice. By the end of practice,there was not a dry spot on my. BUT, come game day, I lived on the bench. One season, I never got put in even once. I realized that if all I am ever going to do is live on the bench, then there is no point is working at all. Next season, I could not care less. The year after, I quit, and never looked back.
With music, I finally found something I was capable of doing, so I jumped in with both feet. I became a multi-instrumentalist, and I was the guitar technician, and the drum technician. I helped with the transit. I helped with the build. I helped with the tear down. I lived every minute. Even the countless hours on the road were exciting to me. That was my life. Why? Because I had a purpose. It gave me meaning. More importantly, it gave me life. If I had not found music, I would not be alive today.
The sad part is that I needed to do all of this in spite of my Boomer parents. I lost count of how many times my father said “There is no money in music.” They wanted me to join the military, then become a Union worker. They would never be happy unless I prioritised money, and only did what paid big. They expected me to be what THEY wanted me to be, and do what made THEM happy, instead of being what I wanted to be, and doing what made ME happy. Well, music is what makes me happy. Music is what gives me meaning. I know good and well that money is not a steady income, and that what you do get does not pay big, but I don’t care. No matter how meagre of a living, if I could make a living doing what makes me happy, I would be perfectly happy with my life.
I am glad to see you are allowing your children to do what makes them happy. I admire what you are doing. Keep up the good work.
Thank you for sharing your story. This is incredibly helpful to parents reading this. I will not forget your words. Especially these: ” If I had not found music, I would not be alive today.”
I feel the same about writing.
Thank you so much for sharing your gift with the world.