If you have ever experienced an emotional response simply by watching someone you love in action, I’ve got six words for you.
Very rarely does one sentence have immediate impact on me.
Very rarely does one sentence change the way I interact with my family.
But this one did. It was not from Henry Thoreau or some renowned child psychologist. It was a comment from kids themselves. And if I’ve learned anything on this “Hands Free” journey, it is that children are the true experts when it comes to “grasping what really matters.”
Here are the words that changed it all:
“… College athletes were asked what their parents said that made them feel great, that amplified their joy during and after a ballgame. Their overwhelming response: ‘I love to watch you play.’”
The life-changing sentence came at the beginning of an article entitled, “What Makes a Nightmare Sports Parent and What Makes a Great One.” Although I finished reading the entire piece, my eyes went back and searched for that one particular sentence; the one that said, “I love to watch you play.”
I read it exactly five times. And then I attempted to remember all past verbal interactions I had with my kids at the conclusion of their extracurricular activities.
Upon completion of a swim meet, a music recital, a school musical, or even a Sunday afternoon soccer game, had I ever said, “I like to watch you play”?
I could think of many occasions when I encouraged, guided, complimented, and provided suggestions for improvement. Did that make me a nightmare sports parent? No, but maybe sometimes I said more than was needed.
By nature, I am a wordy person—wordy on phone messages (often getting cut off by that intrusive beep) and wordy in writing (Twitter is not my friend).
And although I have never really thought about, I’m pretty sure I’m wordy in my praise, too. I try not to criticize, but when I go into extensive detail about my child’s performance it could be misinterpreted as not being “good enough.”
Could I really just say “I love to watch you play” and leave it at that? And if I did, would my children stand there cluelessly at the next sporting event or musical performance because I had failed to provide all the “extra details” the time before?
Well, I would soon find out. As luck would have it, my 8 year old had a swim meet the day after I read the article.
Her first event was the 25 yard freestyle. At the sound of the buzzer, my daughter exploded off the blocks and effortlessly streamlined beneath the water for an unimaginable amount of time. Her sturdy arms, acting as propellers, emerged from the water driving her body forward at lightning speed. She hadn’t even made it halfway down the lane when I reached up to wipe away one small tear that formed in the corner of my eye.
Since my oldest daughter began swimming competitively two years ago, I have ALWAYS had this same reaction to her first strokes in the first heat. I cry and turn away so no one sees my blubbering reaction.
I cry not because she’s going to come in first.
I cry not because she’s a future Olympian or scholarship recipient.
I cry because she’s healthy; she’s strong; she’s capable.
And I cry because I love to watch her swim.
Oh my. Those six words …
I love to watch her swim.
I had always FELT that way—tearing up at every meet, but I hadn’t said it in so many words … or should I say, in so few words.
After the meet, my daughter and I stood in the locker room together, just the two of us. I wrapped a warm, dry towel around her shivering shoulders. And then I looked into her eyes and said, “I love to watch you swim. You glide so gracefully; you amaze me. I just love to watch you swim.”
Okay, so it wasn’t quite six words, but it was a huge reduction in what I normally would have said. And there was a reaction—a new reaction to my end of the meet “pep talk.”
My daughter slowly leaned into me, resting her damp head against my chest for several seconds, and expelled a heavy sigh. And in doing so, I swear I could read her mind:
The pressure’s off. She just loves to watch me swim; that is all.
I knew I was onto something.
Several days later, my 5 year old daughter had ukulele practice. It was a big day for her. The colored dots that lined the neck of her instrument since she started playing almost two years ago, were going to be removed. Her instructor believed she was ready to play without the aid of the stickers.
After removing the small blue, yellow, and red circles, her instructor asked her to play the song she has been working on for months, Taylor Swift’s “Ours.”
With no hesitation, my daughter began strumming and singing. I watched as her fingers adeptly found their homes—no need for colorful stickers to guide them.
With a confident smile, my daughter belted out her favorite line, “Don’t you worry your pretty little mind; people throw rocks at things that shine …”
As her small, agile fingers maneuvered the strings with ease, I had to look away. My vision became blurred by the tears that formed. In fact, this emotional reaction happens every time she gets to that line of the song. Every. Single. Time.
I cry not because she has perfect pitch.
I cry not because she is a country music star in the making.
I cry because she is happy; she has a voice; and she is free.
And I cry because I love to watch her play.
I’ll be damned if I hadn’t told her this in so many words … or rather, in so few words.
My child and I exited the room upon the completion of her lesson. As we walked down the empty hallway, I knew what needed to be said.
I bent down, looking straight into the blue eyes sheltered behind pink spectacles and said, “I love to watch you play your ukulele. I love to hear you sing.”
It went against my grain to not elaborate, but I said nothing about the dots, nothing about the notes, and nothing about her pitch. This was a time to simply leave it at that.
My child’s face broke into her most glorious smile—the one that causes her eyes to scrunch up and become little slices of joy. And then she did something I didn’t expect. She threw herself against me, wrapped her arms tightly around my neck, and whispered, “Thank you, Mama.”
And in doing so, I swear I could read her mind:
The pressure’s off. She loves to hear me play; that is all.
Given the overwhelmingly positive reactions of my daughters when presented with the short and sweet “I love to watch you play” remark, I knew I had a new mantra. Not that I would say it like a robot upon command or without reason, but I would say it when I FELT it—when tears come unexpectedly to my eyes or when suddenly I look down and see goosebumps on my arms.
Pretty soon I found myself saying things like:
“I love to watch you read.”
“I love to watch you swing across the monkey bars.”
“I love to watch you gently admire God’s smallest creatures.”
“I love to watch you love your baby cousin.”
I now know how important it is to say it—say it simply—in moments when I feel that heart palpitating kind of love that comes solely from watching another human being who I adore.
Now at this point, I could wrap up this story with a nice, tidy, Kleenex-required ending, but living “Hands Free” means taking it a step further, going outside the comfort zone.
And it struck me that there is one other person to which this new mantra could apply. It hit me when this person, donned with white bandage on his arm from giving blood, was hoisting a large trashbag as we cleaned the art room at a center for residents with autism.
I watched him, my husband, from the corner of the room where I was dusting shelves with my youngest child. Embarrassingly, I had to turn away so no one saw me tear up. In that moment, I reflected on other recent events where I had been going about my business and had to stop to take pause. Moments when I stopped to watch my husband in action simply to admire the loving person, the devoted husband, and caring father he is.
But had I ever told him in so few words?
It was time.
And since writing is much easier for me than speaking, I wrote my observations down. There were no long-winded paragraphs or flowery descriptions, just words of love, plain and simple:
I love watching you help our daughter learn to roller skate.
I love watching you teach her how to throw the football.
I love watching you help your employees in times of need or uncertainty.
I love watching you interact with your brother and sister.
I love watching you read side by side with our daughters.
I love watching you laugh.
I love watching you love our family.
I typed up his note and plan to give it to him when we have a quiet moment together this weekend. I don’t know what his reaction will be, but it doesn’t matter. I feel these things, so I should say these things.
When simply watching someone makes your heart feel as if it could explode right out of your chest, you really should let that person know.
It is as simple and lovely as that.
*********************************************
The next time you feel the need to guide, instruct, or criticize after a ball game, performance, or extracurricular activity, instead consider six simple words: “I love to watch you play.”
Furthermore, if you become emotional simply by watching someone you love in action, consider these six words, “I love to watch you _______.“
In some cases, less is more.
Less can be exactly what they need to hear. No pressure … just love, pure and simple.
* For continued inspiration and tips on how to grasp the moments in life that matter, check out The Hands Free Revolution on Facebook. Your support is greatly appreciated!
The Six Words You Should Say Today by Hands Free Mama, unless otherwise expressly stated, is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.
What you have just described so eloquently is the topic of my doctoral dissertation, currently in progress. I would love to chat with you about this sometime!
WOW! Josh, what an outstanding topic for your dissertation. First, may I commend you on your remarkable pursuit and wish you well on such a tremendous achievement. Secondly, I would be honored to talk to you in more depth about this topic. As a parent, teacher, and advocate for children in general, I would love to help in any way. My email address is rachelstafford@handsfreemama.com or you can send me a personal message on “The Hands Free Revolution” FB page, as well. Thank you!
Thank you for this. Beautifully put.
Let me be the first to say it:
I love to watch you write.
sandra
Oh Sandra! You COMPLETELY made my day–no, make that my week! Six words. So powerful. And I won’t forget them. THANK YOU, my friend!!!
Well, I’ve been meaning to write you this long, heartfelt email about how your posts have helped me so much in my journey. But taking too long to get to it on my to do list (not to mention thinking you would probably think me weird for gushing so) turned into a blessing.
Six words. All I really needed to say.
Thank you, Sandra. Now that’s twice in one day you’ve made me cry.
I am so honored to know my messages have helped you. And being able to share here in this space and receive this kind of feedback has helped me immeasurably. It is moments like this that I feel so blessed to provide words that make a difference. My friend just sent me the link to this beautiful song, and I was listening to it when I saw your post. I feel compelled to share it with you because it pretty much sums it up:
“These bruises make for more better conversation
loses the vibe that separates
it’s good to let you in again
you’re not alone and how you’ve been
everybody loses
we all got bruises
we all got bruises.”
-Train (Bruises)
Sandra nailed that.
Ok, aside from making me cry at 6am….I love the idea of using those 6 words! As a trained dancer it is sometimes challenging for me not to offer ‘constructive feedback’ on my daughters technique, time and time again. When it comes down to it, the most important thing is that my heart sings just by seeing the pure joy in her face as she dances….I’m going to let her know that tonight.
Thank you, Kirri! Yes, it is that look of pure joy on our children’s faces when they are doing something they love that touches the soul deeply. Thank you for wasting no time in telling your daughter these powerful words tonight! Thank you for commenting!
I echo Sandra above –”I love to watch you write”. These are beautiful words and I shall remember them!
Thank you (again!)
Traci
Thank you, Traci! Comments like yours will make it a little easier to hit “publish” the next time I wonder if a particular post is something someone else will want to read (besides my parents).
Thank you for the encouragement!!!
i just wanted to say thanks for your words. my daughters are all grown up but you make me remember that they still need to hear things like this. you make me think and i like that!
Thank you, Maureen. It brings me great joy to know people with grown children and people with no children read my blog and find value in my messages. I really appreciate you taking time to tell me.
Good job, Rachel! Another inspirational post.
Thank you, Jamie. Words like this coming from a wonderful mom and grandmother such as yourself mean so much. Thanks for reading and commenting.
I love to read your words!!! !!!
Thank you, Kerry! I never knew that one of the greatest joys of sharing my journey online would be to connect and respond with those who come here to read. Thanks for commenting!
“The pressure is off.” Aha moment. That really struck a chord with me. As a fellow blabber mouth, what starts as a compliment to my sons after their soccer games, usually winds up with me commenting on each and every time they touched the ball. I mean to say “I love to watch you play,” and will now say just that… and only that.
Thank you for sharing this, Kim! I think so many of us can relate to what you have described here. I appreciate that you’re willing to consider a different approach. That is so inspiring to me! Please let me know how it goes!
I am a sobbing mama. My husband just came in from taking out the trash to find me crying reading my screen. At first he was worried, then he said “you’re reading the hands free mom thing aren’t you?”
I love that you are willing to share your story with us.
Oh Chrissy, you have made me laugh out loud with your husband’s comment! Thank you for sharing that with me. Somedays I struggle with sharing; somedays I am a little more hesitant to reveal my not-so-pretty stories, but from now on, I will remember your words and that will give me the boost I need. Thank you!!!!
I am being convicted about my time spent on facebook. I am nearly ready to delete myself but your posts are one I would miss the most. I love to watch you write.
Thank you, Amy. I can totally relate because Facebook is both a blessing and also a curse in my “Hands Free” life. My messages take flight on Facebook and reach the multitudes and for that I am grateful. I just try to remember to use it as a tool for communication rather than a time waster, taking away from what really matters in my life. I am so thankful to know you enjoy reading my posts and find value in them. I am so glad you are here.
I love this. You have made me cry again!
Each time I read one of your posts I am inspired with something new to use on my journey of becoming a better mother and a better person.
I love to read your posts.
xx
Thank you, Michelle. I am comforted greatly by your words. To know that my flaws and my struggles are not just mine … and to know that my sharing them helps others blesses my life beyond measure. Thank you so much for taking the time to tell me. I am so glad you are part of this journey.
Wow! This is really profoundly simple. And yes, it made me cry, too!
Thank you. I’m so glad to have found your blog.
xo
Thank you, Krista! I love the simple phrases and they definitely stick with me throughout my daily routine. I am glad you think so, too. I am so happy you found my blog, too! And how sweet of you to take time to comment!
I LOVE reading what you write!!!!
Thank you, Janet! I cherish this lovely encouragement!!!
I love WHAT you write!
each day I am trying to be a better mom & wife!
I feel like I have wasted so much time….but, moving forward!
Your words inspire me!
Thank you
Thank you for your honesty, Diane. And what I love about being “Hands Free” is that it is NOT about what happened yesterday; it is about today and the critical choices we make today. Here’s to moving forward and grasping the moments that matter! Please keep me posted. I see a beautiful future for you … starting NOW.
I’m adding my “I love to watch you write” the the chorus.
I grew up with a mother that was by nature a critical person. It wasn’t something she set out to be, she just was. I never, EVER, doubted that I was loved & treasured but I admit that at times I never felt that I was “good enough” in anything I did because she always found something to tell me to make it “better”. It wasn’t until I was much older & my mother was in the last few years of her life that I learned more about her childhood that helped me understand her perspective & why she was the way she was. My husband, bless his heart, finally told her once when she asked why we hadn’t visited in a while that he had to spend days “putting me back together” after a visit. She was stunned…she had no idea how critical she always was of me. Everything she said she did from a place of love & wanting me to be “the best” but because I wasn’t the “best”, I never felt good enough. Thankfully in the last years of her life she worked hard at making sure I knew that I was more than enough, that she “loved to watch me play” & I’m so grateful for that change in her as it helped me see what I could be as a mother, that even though I could find things to tell my daughter to help her “be the best”…I needed to tell her that I loved to watch her play.
Thank you for sharing your walk with us & even though my “baby” is 22, I’m still learning to be a hands free mama.
Thank you, Jana! This is so insightful. I appreciate you sharing this. It is helpful for me, as a parent, to read (from an adult perspective) what it was like to grow up with a critical parent. I find it so interesting that your mom had no idea. I think that is the case with so many of our “good intentions” as parents. We think we are being helpful … we think we are doing what we are supposed to be doing … but in fact, we are causing long term damage in our criticism. I commend your mom for changing her ways once she found out how she was hurting you. This proves it is NEVER too late to change … it is never too late to start over. What peace that gave you! I know your experience will stick with me. I appreciate you taking the time to share this. I am so glad you are on this journey with me!
May I reply to this comment, too? I think I know how you feel, Jana. My dad was always highly critical of me. He still is to an extent, but I don’t see him very often. It’s not only been a hindrance to me, but it’s how I learned to parent. Those things stick with you for decades.
Beautiful! Absolutely beautiful! I’m glad I was able to read this before my son is old enough to remember the times I may have criticized him. I am a natural at criticism and need to learn to keep my words simple and loving. Thanks for this! A great lesson for us all!
Thank you, Camille! I commend you for being able to see in yourself what you need to work on … it took me a long time to realize (and admit) where I need to change. This brings me great hope and inspiration to read your words tonight.
Wonderful words for adults involved in the lives of children! When we bring home a newborn we take the time to watch them sleep and breathe. How much more important is it to verbalize to them, around them the wonder they bring to our lives each and every day.
Thank you, JoAnn. You bring up a wonderful point! Thank you for sharing your insight.
That was beautiful. I cried so much because I haven’t been saying this and this is what I have meant every time I say something else to my husband or daughter and with this little change I see great healing for my family. Thank you thank thank you!!! I will be using these six words from now on!!!
Thank you, Stacey. I am so touched by your words. Looking back and realizing we may have missed an opportunity is painful, but there is hope in the fact you can see it now … and you have vowed to make a change. There is a lifetime of beautiful exchanges ahead for you and the people you love. Thanks for taking the time to comment!
I love your centering words and inspirations!!! And thanks for sending so much light and love my way today. Hugs!
Thank you, Lori! Your post was powerfully healing. How could I not share it? Much love to you, my friend!!!
This is AMAZING! I too love to watch you write <3
Thank you, Crystal! I cherish those words and I promise, I will keep writing!!!!
I don’t have kids, but your post (especially the “I loves” to your husband) reminded me in an important way of the joy God has when he watches us (me) play. So important (and so not how I typically think). Thanks.
Thank you, E. What a beautiful insight you have offered here. I can relate so well in your words: “and so not how I typically think.” It is difficult for me to allow myself to “play” or even rest. But in those times, I am closer to God and can hear the messages He places on my heart. In that time of play and rest, I am restored. Thank you for taking time to leave this thoughtful comment.
I had to go through and read it all over again along with all the comments. I love that you shared the Bruises song lyrics. And I also love to watch you write!
Oh Sarah, you just don’t know how much that song has meant to me. I keep playing it over and over. It is so healing and also so hopeful. You are a blessing to me.
I just wrote a post after reading this post, and linked back to you. I love to watch my daughter grow!
http://beatrixquills.blogspot.com.au/2012/04/i-love-to-watch-her-grow.html
bea xox
Thank you, Beatrix. I just read your post and it is SO lovely! You have captured the essence of what it means to cherish that time with our babies because it does go by so quickly. We must be mindful not to wish ourselves to the next stage (which I am guilty of doing too often) but instead savor where we are right now.
Thanks Rachel, I agree – I don’t think we should rush our kids, but I’m also guilty of it sometimes! Look forward to reading more of your blog
Our girls just started swim lessons back up and I made a promise to myself I would not pull out my phone and do any of the millions of things you can do on a smartphone (not even a quick sec – it’s ridiculous how tempting it is. It’s my time to sit, be still, and pay attention to my girls. More and more I see parents so completely disengaged, it’s heart-breaking. As we were talking afterward I said, “You know, I love this time because I love watching you girls swim.” Ahhhh!
And the instant smiles on both of their faces are STILL in my mind. These are moments you can never get back.
Thank you, Anneke! This is why I love sharing my journey to be Hands Free in an open forum like this! You inspire me! My writer’s brain often takes over when my youngest in having her swim lesson. I start making notes get lost in my thoughts. I thank you for reminding me to watch those kicks and smiles as they master new skills. I will be watching intently at the next lesson! Thank you so much for taking time to share your inspiring thoughts!!!
Thank you so much for those words! In a matter of minutes you have change my life. How those six little words will change a life of a person. From this day forward, I will say those six words to my son/love one at least once a day. WOW! Amazing because I really do just love to watch him!
Thank you, Kim. I am so grateful to know those 6 words have made such a difference to you, as they have to me. I love that you are striving to say it once a day. It seems the more I have been saying it, the more comfortable I have become. I was so used to giving so many “supporting details” that this short sentence of praise feels “new” to me. But the reactions of my family are so positive … it just makes me want to continue. Thanks for taking time to share!
I, too, read that same article and forwarded it to every parent I know, taking a little grief for it in the aftermath; it seemed to have struck a nerve. Maybe next time I will just share this blog post and hope your eloquent writing will soften the blow of reality. Great find and I look forward to following you more.
Thank you, Dawn. I have had several coaches and parents say that they have shared my article. When I share my thoughts, I strive to avoid sounding judgmental or negative in my messages … I think most parents mean well in their intentions to guide and instruct their children. The purpose of my message was to bring a new awareness that they may have not considered. Many people have responded that they didn’t think about how their excessive instruction may be coming off to their child, and that they would change their language immediately. I am thankful that the message has been received so positively and that it is making a difference in the way people are communicating with their loved ones. I really appreciate you taking time to share your comment, and thank you so much for being here!
Thank you for the tears!
My oldest is only 4 so we’re just starting out with the extracurricular’s, but just the other day he went to story time at the Library all by himself (kids only) and I teared up..amazed he transitioned so gracefully (and didn’t need his mama). He will also be starting soccer soon, and this is such a great article to start that venture with! I will keep it clean and simple, I love to watch you “…….”! THANK YOU!
Thank you, Shelby! It inspires me to read your story … that you made note of that momentous moment in your child’s life. So many of those moments are missed. What a lucky boy he is! I appreciate you taking time to share and leave an encouraging word for me!
Being a very wordy person, I totally relate to the difficulty in expressing my thoughts “in so few words.” I appreciate you introducing me to a new phrase to add to my conversations.
So, so good!
You are so welcome, Cheryl! It nice to know I am not alone in my “wordiness”! Although it CAN be a blessing at times! So happy you will be using the 6 words. I hope it makes a difference in your life as it has for me!
this is beautiful
Thank you, Nicole. You are very kind to let me know that it touched you.
Thank you for your beautiful reminder to appreciate our families (out loud) for the gifts that they are. Working with hypnotic suggestions, we know that every word we speak is powerful, so I have shared your lovely words with all the families on our Hypnobabies Official Facebook page.
Thank you so very much for this post!
Carole Thorpe, Hypnobabies VP
Thank you so much, Carole. I am intrigued by your area of expertise! I will be sure to check out your Facebook page and find out more. I really appreciate you sharing it. Thank you for being here!
Wow, this really touched my heart:-)
Thank you, Esther! How kind of you to take the time to tell me!
This is exactly what I needed to hear today, both to help me move forward in my development as a parent and a partner, but to help normalize the fact that I embarrassingly tear up every.single.time any of my children perform. I am trying to be more mindful and present and I am realizing over and over that it’s really about expressing how I’m feeling in the moment.
My daughter, too, plays the uke and sings. The line that gets me is from “The Show” by Lenka. “I’m just a little girl, lost in the moment. I’m so scared, but I don’t show it.” It rocks me to my core, “Oprah ugly-cry”- style every time. How wonderful to know I am not alone. Thank you for this post.
I know that I am not the first to write this….but….”I LOVE to READ your POSTS!”
Thank you, Susie! I can always count on you for a beautiful word of encouragement! So happy you are on this journey with me!
This is my first visit to your blot and you had me tearing up already! So I guess I love to watch you write (that’s why I subscribed
This reminds me of a post I wrote about words I can use with my kids instead of “proud”:http://togetherwalking.weebly.com/1/post/2011/11/instead-of-proud.html
Looking forward to reading more of your thoughts!
Hi Susan, thank you for taking the time to comment and share your link! I look forward to reading your post. Sounds like something I would love. Thank you also for subscribing to my blog! So happy to have you along on this journey to grasp what really matters!
Rachel & Susan, thank you both for your articles. For different reasons, I have consciously chosen not to say, “I am ‘proud’ of you” to my children. But I have also realized my deficiency as far as praise and encouragement and the gaping hole that has left in my children’s hearts… I have even gone as far as to tell them, “If I were to use the word proud, this would be one of those times…”. LAME. The best I have been able to come up with to this point (almost 30 years of parenting) is to say that I am so “pleased.”
THANK YOU for these “six words” and for fellowship in avoiding the phrase “I am proud of you.” “God resists the proud, but gives grace to the humble.” <
I love to read your blog.
Great post. I think there are so many parents who so clearly need this message. I’m glad it’s getting out there .. it’s a serious topic.
Thank you, Shawn! I agree; it is a serious topic. I am over the moon by the response–over 40,000 online views in two days. It appears that many parents have been yearning for a way to express their love after a game or performance … they just didn’t know what to say. Thank you for leaving a comment!
I have always struggled with words to use in place of praise, as I believe that saying ‘Good Job!’ all the time is a judgement, and creates an atmosphere wherein you children rely on and look for your approval to know if they have done well. These words are a perfect way to show how proud you are while allowing them pride in their OWN accomplishments, without judgement…. Not ‘You swam well today!’ but ‘I love to watch you swim.’… Perfect!
You bring up some really great points, Natalie! As a child, and even as an adult, my motivation too often is to hear the words, “Good job” and I really wish it wasn’t that way. I would love to do what I can to prevent my children from seeking that external praise. Thank you for sharing your insight!
This is such a touching and amazing post. Made me bawl my eyes out. What an inspiration what a remarkable thing to share so that other to can share the love and joy.
Thank you for helping me be a better more mindful mother <3 keep writing, I love to read your words
Thank you for the beautiful and encouraging words! Some of my posts are harder to share than others, but I definitely felt this one needed to be shared with as many people as possible. I am thrilled by the response! Thank you for taking time to comment!
This post was forward to me from friend. LOVE it! Of course I am now crying. After I post this, I have a hubby upstairs who is in need of 6 words. Thank you for this post.
Thank you, Emily! It makes me so happy to know when one of my posts not only touches someone’s heart, but also makes a person take ACTION. That thrills me beyond words. Thank you for taking time to let me know!
As a mother of 2 autistic sons (PDD and Aspergers- age 14) It is all I can do to get through the day and keep the peace. By the days end I am usually grateful that they made it through and seem generally happy. I
have told them that I am proud of them, that they have done a good job and that I love them. But I don’t think I have shared my feeling quite like you have suggested. I am looking forward to trying. It may not make a difference with them, but it is sure to make me a little weepy! (I cry at coffee commercials)
Thank you for sharing your story, Leslie. I am so glad that I have brought you a new awareness and that you are so eager to try this suggestion. As a behavioral specialist and teacher, I had many students with autism. I just loved discovering new ways to encourage them and connect with them. Please keep me posted! I would love to know how things go. Thank you so much for taking the time to comment!
Leslie, my eleven-year-old son, Noah, is autistic. I could relate immediately with your comments. A few moments ago, Noah said the word “spoon” the best I have ever heard him say it. Instead of “Good job” or “Good talking,” I used the “six words” for the first time! I said, “Noah, I love it when you use your words!” I don’t even think he heard me, but it felt really good to begin a new way of encouraging (putting courage in) my children.
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This is simply beautiful, Jeana! Thank you for sharing.
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Sweet! I needed to hear this. I tend to be a little wordy sometimes, when I’m trying to be encouraging. These six words will be on my mind, and will be put to good use soon.
Hi Susie, thank you for your honesty! Sometime it is difficult for me to evaluate my actions and realize they could be more harmful than helpful … however, that is always the starting point for change. I wish you luck in your efforts! Thank you for being here!
You are So amazing!! Hit the nail right on the head!! My daughter was recently diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome and this “new perspective” is so completely perfect!!
On a side-note, I have a business in which we help people create wonderful treasures to help others (family, friends, etc) know they are loved and I was just thinking while reading just how powerful it would be to use photos of your girls and/or hubby and write them a simple story and put it into hardbound book form…so they can read and re-read and get those warm fuzzies everytime knowing they are loved!! I’d be so happy to share more! With you or anyone else who might be interested! Contact me!! And thanks again for making a difference!!
Thank you for the kind and encouraging words, Haylee. I really appreciate your feedback. I am thrilled this post has given you a new perspective from which you can lovingly connect with your daughter. Let me know how it goes!
Thank you for telling me about your business. The hard bound book sounds lovely. I look forward to going to your website to check it out.
Sorry…Contact me at hayleeann@yahoo.com please put something in the subject line about making a book so I don’t accidentally discount it as spam. You can also check out my website at http://www.TreasureMyStories.com
Thanks again!
Thats a nice nut overly simplistic approach. While I agree, all kids want to hear ‘nice job’ after a performance it is not always the best thing to say. We live in an age of kids getting participation trophies (for just showing up)! And such verbal mush contributes to that. After a recent game my daughter had where she performed poorly, and stopped trying, she did maybe 1 out of 10 things correctly. She knows better, she has done better, but basically quit on it. I was incensed, and hated watching the event. So afterwards, I told her her the errs in her ways and found the 1 thing she did right to complement her. But really, no judgement just love would be doing your child a disservice as a parent. Without honesty, there is no learning, no real growth in the child.
While I respect your right to a differing opinion, Todd, I feel that you missed the point of my article. Never once did I endorse saying the phrase “nice job” to a child, nor did the article that I cited. The phrase I endorsed was “I like to watch you play.” That is entirely different than providing a subjective phrase such as “nice job.” Which brings me to the point of my message: When I watch my children, I become emotional simply because I love them and love watching them perform. Yet, I had never told them that, which I believe is a wasted opportunity to express something very important.
I have 10 years experience as a teacher and behavioral specialist for children. Many of my students worked below their potential, yet, never once did once use shame as a way to motivate my students to do better. Yes, I would hold them accountable and yes, I would guide and instruct when they needed to improve, but I didn’t use shame as a motivator for improving behavior. Many studies show it is not effective and actual causes behavior to worsen. I do not believe in using shame to improve my children’s performances either. There is a time and a place to talk about how they could improve, but it is not right after the game, which is what the article I cited mentioned was the request from hundreds of collegiate athletes who were interviewed. Interestingly, many adults of critical parents have written to me over the past two days about this article. Even to this day, they are still scarred by their parents’ constant assessment of their performances and the fact they never could please their parents.
Your opinion of this article is among the minority.This post has had over 40,000 online views in two days and there has only been one negative comment. The hundreds of other comments posted here and sent to me personally have been overwhelmingly positive. People are not wasting time in telling their children, “I love to watch you play.” And the responses of their children confirm that this statement is not only empowering, but it is life-changing. Maybe you ought to give it a try and see what happens. You might just see your child’s face light up like I did.
Well put, Rachel. I’ve read your blog only a handful of times, and don’t actually have children of my own. However, I know this feeling, and can imagine my mom responding to this post in the same way that Todd did. Unfortunately, not everyone is open to realizing that they need this type of insight and change in their approach…yet they are the ones who could most benefit from it…
Thank you for your insight, Brandy. I find it highly beneficial to hear from people with different past experiences and life situations than mine. Thank you for sharing your viewpoint so beautifully.
YES! Thanks for stating this so perfectly and movingly. I love to watch my two girls play. I will tell them more. Thank you!
Thank you, Cody! I appreciate your kind words, and I am so glad this message has made a difference in the way you communicate your love to your girls.
From one parenting blogger* to another, wow. Thank you for eloquently stating my favorite parenting tip: catch them doing something good and let them know. As the parent of a young man almost 20, I still love to watch him do his favorite things. And advice is stored until he asks for it.
*I’m more of a parent advocate, not a parenting expert
Thank you, Helene! This is so inspiring to know you still love watching your son at age 20. I would bet you two have a close relationship where he shares things with you. I look forward to checking out your blog! Thank you for commenting.
I remember many parents in the stands during competitions say “I love to watch your daughter on beam”. Sadly, I don’t recall ever saying the same (about my own kid). I wish I could have had some of the outlets that are available today (Facebook, blogs, etc…) I too tend to be wordy (and loud) in my comments and reactions to my daughters performances both in dance and gymnastics. They survived the sometimes embarrassing over-enthusiastic outbursts from me (we laugh when we hear me on old videos). I want to say “I love to watch you be you.” to my grandchildren some day.
It’s not too late, Wendy! I just had someone tell me that before her mother died, she was able to tell her daughter all the things she loved that she had never said before. Her mom always thought that she was showing her love by constantly telling how she could improve. But once she knew it was hurting her (even though her daughter was grown), she spoke the words her daughter longed to hear. Their relationship improved greatly from that point on. Maybe today is the day you tell your daughter how much you loved watching her on the beam and how much you love watching her be who she is today. Please keep me posted. I see a beautiful future ahead for you. Thank you so much for sharing.
ohh my gosh this was such an amazing read! i am so blessed by you and your writing! the part that got me most was about telling your husband these things. he may think i am crazy but i am gonna do this soon!!!
I am so glad, Kalli! Please do it! Your husband may look at you like your crazy, but deep down he will LOVE it. Keep me posted! I am so glad you are here!
Hello,
I read this original article a few weeks ago and discussed it at length with my husband who is a coach. I really LOVE your writing on how this applies to our children – I appreciate “seeing” it in action, and the reminder to keep it simple in areas other than sports as well. Your family is fortunate to have your love!
Thank you so much, Greta! I am so glad that I could take that insightful article and go a little further with it–apply it to real life. It has really resonated with people, which thrills me beyond words. I have been touched by all the coaches who have expressed appreciation and interest in my message. It brings me so much hope for our children. Thank you for taking time to share your thoughts.
Rachel – you mention a kleenex ending? feh… more like I was already three tissues in and then you hit me with your husband needing to hear those six precious words?
I read your blog entry, from start to finish, that first time, to my husband. I felt as if it could have been me – as if this stranger I’d never met, occupied my own wordy thoughts. I had just, and I mean just, left my email, where I had written a novella to someone. And will now send her an email with a subject line, READ ME FIRST. I will share the six little words, and a link to your page.
Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. You have not only enriched my life, but the lives of those whom I hold most dear. Can a stranger be a friend? I do believe we can.
Rachel, I love to read your words.
Here are six more:
Never stop writing. Just. Don’t. Stop.
Hi Nancy, thank you so much for your honesty and realness. I love that this post touched your life so deeply and that it has ignited a change within you. That is truly a gift to me. Yes, I do believe a stranger CAN be a friend. It is in the sharing of our imperfections and struggles that a bond is created. I adore your authenticity; it is beautiful to me. Thank you, friend.
Well, as we are friends, let me just say, this is a most unique start and one for the books. I mean, I’ve met friends, through friends, at school, work, garden… and yes, networking online – but never this way that feels so genuine. sending you love
Thank you, Nancy. I remember when I first stepped into what I call “the light of realness” on this Hands Free journey and revealed my scars and imperfections to a friend. She didn’t judge, she didn’t act like she had no idea what I was talking about–instead, she stepped into the light with me and said, “I know. I feel that way, too.” That is when I realized what makes an authentic friendship. It is when you can be yourself, scars and all. In fact, I have come to learn that when we see each other’s faults, we can love each other even more. That is what I love about this community. The people, like you, who read my posts and say, “Yes! I know how you feel! I am right there with you.” So that has become my new definition of friendship–that loving connection that occurs when two people can be real with one another and from that beautiful place, they can grow. I cherish every friend who comes to this space and shares who they truly are … some would say that scars are not beautiful, but I would disagree. I am SO grateful you are here, Nancy!!!
I just wish I had this type of thinking fed to me 25 years ago when I was raising my children! Blessings to you!
Thank you, Cyndee! Blessings to you, as well. Thank you for your kind words.
such profound words – you have given me so much to mull over. I am not one to read many blogs, but my friend on FB linked to this post, and I was drawn in to reading it. I will be forever grateful that I did, and I imagine that my interactions with my children and my spouse will never be the same (and that is a very good thing). I am typing this with tears streaming down my face – because you, in your beautiful writing, have given me such an amazing gift. So for that, I am writing this comment to say, thank you.
Wow, Leanna. You have touched my soul with your heartfelt words. I am grateful to your friend for sharing my post which brought you here. What a gift to know that my message has inspired you to think about the way you communicate with your family and that you plan to do things a bit differently. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate you letting me know how you feel. THANK YOU!
I’m seventeen and I wish my parents could be more like you—your girls (and the rest of the world) are so incredibly lucky to have you.
Dear Ellen, thank you so much for your kind words. You have confirmed to me that love and acceptance, without judegment and criticism, is the best way for parents to show love to their kids. I received a comment from a father who indicated that he felt my message was “verbal mush.” He went on to say that he felt it would be a disservice to his daughter if he did not tell her the error of her ways. I only wish he could read your words before his daughter is 17 and feels like you do.
Ellen, you sounds like a very kind and compassionate young lady. I wish you peace in your heart and healing in your soul, dear one.
I wish I would have read this article years ago. I always thought that but didn’t put it into words so perfectly.
Catch My Words
http://joycelansky.blogspot.com/2012/04/atoz-shots.html
Thank you, Joyce. I appreciate your honesty and thoughtful comment.
Magical ! simply magic. From this day on it will be a part of my expression to my kids and grandkids. I am a first time reader who hit the jackpot! May I also commend you for acknowledging your readers–all of them. What a blessing.
Thank you, Lynn. I love your enthusiasm and willingness to jump in there and say those 6 words! Your children and grandkids are very lucky! Thank you for your sweet comments. I ADORE the wonderful people who read my blog and those who take time to comment such encouraging words! The least I can do is write a little note back! Thank you for being here!
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Beautiful piece… We get used to life moving so fast that we need to slow it down and appreciate the little things! Keep up the good work!
Charles, you are so right! I am really working on SLOWING down. It is not easy, but there is so much joy in THIS moment. I appreciate you taking the time to leave a kind word!
Love this!!!
Thank you, Sue!!! I appreciated you reading my blog and leaving a lovely note!
thank you for this article. i taught for several years at a school for children with learning disabilities and i tend to be wordy myself. when first working there i was going on in detail to a student about something and they were looking at me as tho they were confused. later the veteran teacher who taught me so much pulled me aside and said too many words, keep it simple. say exactly what you mean in as few words as possible. hard to do but very effective. thanks
I thoroughly enjoyed this!! It is nice to see this because I have often always said these things when I feel them. I believe in being encouraging and letting others know when you appreciate them, love them, love something about them or the things they do. It’s the simple things in life that truly make me happy. And, I hope to spread that same kind of joy to others.
This world is too caught up with “keep up with the Jone’s” and into material possessions. So, I could never be as eloquent as your writing is, but loved that you wrote this. It brought tears to my eyes!! Thank you!
Rachel,
Thank you for that excellent article. What a great a simple way to show my kids I love them!
I had tears lurking reading this.
Sigh. Just lovely.
Thank you for your lovely comment. It means so much to know my words had such a profound effect on you.
Thank you SO much for putting into beautiful words something I’ve been trying to live and parent by without quite knowing how or why. I love it when you find something wise and wonderful and realize “yes, this is what I’ve been striving for!” – it’s just nice to have that affirmation and helps you cement yourself a little more firmly on the right path.
I’ve shared this blog post many times with others and will continue to do so – bravo and thank you!
Thank you, Lara! I agree! Parenting can be so tricky, and I tend to second guess myself. But when I read about the positive result of something I have been doing all along, that is so uplifting and empowering. Your family is very lucky to have such an insightful and loving mother. Thank you for taking the time to comment! You made my day!
Thank you for showing me the words I’ve meant to say for years. As a grandmother of four competitive young boys, I will now know what to say to reinforce how much I love their effort, and not merely the result. I hope I was as encouraging with my own competitive children, but fear I was not. Thank you!
Popping over from Glennon’s. I really enjoyed reading this! A friend of mine recently wrote this: http://langdocs.com/2012/03/07/why-i-stopped-okay-not-entirely-praising-my-children/
It resonated with me so much. “Praise is someone else’s judgement about who you are.”
But this…these six words—-it’s all about love. Leaves the praise out of it! Love wins!
Thank you, Julia! I adore Glennon’s work. What an honor to have you stop over. Thank you for the beautiful post you provided. That was incredibly insightful and thought-provoking. Her suggestions and examples of praise were so enlightening. I am so glad you embrace the 6 word phrase … I celebrate your last line especially: “Love wins!” It doesn’t get any better than that, does it? Thanks for taking time to share your thoughts!
Oh my…tears are flowing…I WILL REMEMBER the power of these words following my son’s t-ball game this Saturday…so much more valuable than, “You’re great at the plate, but you’re not going to make All-Stars with the kind of fielding I saw today…” Ouch. I thank you. My son thanks you.
Thank you, Kinnison! Nothing makes me more delighted than to know the 6 word phrase is being put into practice! I can already see your son’s beaming face to those powerful words! Thank you for taking the time to tell me the impact it had on you. It means so much!
Very touched by your article and think it is an important reminder for parents that get so caught up in the win/loss of their young athletes.
Thank you, Wendy Lynne! I really appreciate your kind words! Thank you for being here!
First time on your blog – won’t be my last. Thank-you for clarifying what my wife and I have been struggling with for some time. I am a coach/athletic director and so often cannot help myself when it comes to feedback instruction. Your post made me remember my youth and how happy it made me when my grandpa used to come and watch me play – and said something very similar. I will work to be less ‘helpful’ (that’s what their coaches are for) and more ‘unconditional loving’ because if I want them to learn one thing from me – it is not how to get back on defense; it’s that they are ALWAYS loved.
Hi Mike, thank you so much for taking time to share your thoughts and your insight. It is refreshing to hear from a coach/athletic director who sees the value in this message. I especially like what you say here: “I will work to be less ‘helpful’ (that’s what their coaches are for) and more ‘unconditional loving’.” I am striving for the same, although it doesn’t also come easy. However, I know that approach will be the best for my child in both the short term and long term. As you pointed out about your grandpa watching you play, I think of the way my parents watch my children perform … no words, just pure delight on their faces. What child wouldn’t cherish that from his/her parents? I thank you for visiting my site and taking the time to comment!
Hi Rachel,
Your blog came across my path today and while I don’t have my own children, I thoroughly enjoyed this post since it applies to well, so many people in my life. One of my roles is as a dog trainer, I’m always trying to lower people’s unrealistic expectations for their dogs and teach them how to simply enjoy their dogs (they’re not around too long!) … I think I’m going to share this blog post with an “insert dog for child” suggestion.
:)
Thank you for a beautiful read.
How wonderful, Michelle! I believe in compassion and kindness to all living things so why wouldn’t this message apply to dogs, as well? I really appreciate your comment about simply ENJOYING their pets presence, just as you should simply enjoy a loved one’s presence.
Thank you for sharing your unique perspective and insight!
I love to see my children do almost anything, because I love to see them alive. I love when they live their lives, specially when they do things they like.
Oh Mariel, your comment gives me chills: “I love to see my children do almost anything because I love to see them alive.” How often do I take that miraculous gift for granted? Too often, I’m afraid. I will remember your words. Thank you for taking time to share.
Oh thank you for that wonderful article (and for your two “case studies”). I am too very wordy and I recently thought of if my comments can be understood as some kind of pressure although I am so happy and proud of my girl. And so your article fits in perfect.
Thank you, Nora. I appreciate your honesty and willingness to consider how you can improve on your feedback with your child. Please come back and let me know the results of your new, shortened phrase of loving communication! I appreciate you taking time to leave a comment!
Your words have struck a chord in my heart & brought tears to my eyes.
I am such a wordy mum, always striving to better my son’s work or performances. All he needs is for me to edify him with these 6 simple words.
Just as important, if not more, my husband sure needs to hear these words too.
Thank you so much.
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Rachel, I’ve been so disconnected lately; from blogging, from friends, even from my kids and spouse. This really hit home for me. I find myself wishing it were so easy to say those six words to my kids, resenting myself over the fact that it should be so easy and that I’m the one making it difficult.
Lately I’ve allowed myself to be personally affected by the near-constant tension between my son and step-son due to the tension it’s caused in my relationship with Karin. But in so doing, I’ve also distanced myself from the good moments. I haven’t been feeling those moments you describe where you feel your heart may burst. I used to. I need to reclaim that right as a parent, for myself and my kids.
Inspiring post, as usual. You may not see me comment very often, but yours is one of my favorite blogs. You’ve helped bridge a connection between my heart and mind today. Thanks for that.
Hi Chris,
I must say how much I value and appreciate your honesty and openness. It is not easy to admit when we have been disconnected, but from that difficult place of awareness, I truly believe connection can be restored. You have a deep insight in seeing that the tension with your son and step-son has caused you to distance yourself from the good moments. That is profound. And I am certain you can get back to that place of emotional joy in the moments because I know the loving and devoted father you are. I am touched by your words that I have helped bridge a connection between your heart and mind today. I thank you for that. Somedays sharing my life here is difficult … but words like your make it worth it. Thank you so much.
Hi Chris,
I must say how much I value and appreciate your honesty and openness. It is not easy to admit when we have been disconnected, but from that difficult place of awareness, I truly believe connection can be restored. You have a deep insight in seeing that the tension with your son and step-son has caused you to distance yourself from the good moments. That is profound. And I am certain you can get back to that place of emotional joy in the moments because I know the loving and devoted father you are. I am touched by your words that I have helped bridge a connection between your heart and mind today. I thank you for that. Somedays sharing my life here is difficult … but words like your make it worth it. Thank you so much.
Hoping that today is a starting point of renewed connection and emotional joy in the moments, my friend.
For me, this is what blogging is all about. This post was exactly the spark I was hoping for when I clicked on the link. I’ve been longing to get back to my blog and reconnect with my kids, and this is the perfect catalyst. I’ll report back later.
This makes me incredibly happy, Chris. Thank you so much for letting me know. I look forward to your report. Something tells me it’s going to be positive.
Here it is.
http://fromthebungalow.wordpress.com/2012/05/02/its-not-you-its-me/
Oh wow. Chris, I am again blown away. There is so much courage in your story. I can’t be certain, but I feel strongly that your message is going to help someone else greatly. When we see one another’s scars, imperfections, struggles, and dark times, we come to love each other more. We also find a little bit of hope to anchor us. I applaud you for sharing your struggles. I applaud you for writing after one month away. It is beautiful to watch someone rise up despite falling down. I envision you now with a light shining on your face … and it is a glimpse of what is to come. Celebrating your achievement today. Thank you for letting us see what hope looks like and feels like. It is not always pretty, but it is real and it is empowering.
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I love this! Thank you. Such a beautiful reminder and I cannot wait to practice this later tonight.
Thanks,
Currie
It makes me so happy when someone says they are going to put the 6 words into practice! Thank you for telling me. I know now another child will be smiling. THANK YOU!
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This gave me goosebumps! Thank you x
Thank you, Shelley! I am so thrilled by the response of this post. I am glad it touched you.
Bless you Rachel for your passion & for sharing it so beautifully w/those of us who so need to hear and read your insightful inspiration… Reading this particular post, I believe was God led as I am struggling daily… moment by moment to cling to… No, rather regain any meaningful purpose or joy in my life… for myself, and my family…. My husband of 20+ years & four boys 18, 16, 13, & 9…. In an effort to heal regret and pain, I have detached from those who matter most, and replaced them w/technology… social networking… shopping….any distraction that is all too close at hand to help me escape.
Your words touch so very close to my heart. All four of our boys were blessed (as most are)with lots of energy, a need to be active, & a passion for sports… and oh how “we loved to watch them play”… they were (are) like poetry in motion. As you write, any joy from watching them play was not because of “the making of a future star” but rather because of the self-discovery we had the pleasure of witnessing within them. The courage they found, the character they built, the respect they gained for themselves and for & from those around them.
Having once experienced that, makes no longer having it so difficult to overcome. Life has taken its turns, some good… however, it is the not so good I fail to accept and rather remain focused on what “was” vs “is”…. A type of comparison really…. one that robs me of any joy. Despite my efforts it is hard to ignore the regression in the boys… I see their confidence faulter, their expression dwindle, their character questioned by those lacking, and their confidence disappear…. by will or by force. I carry a great deal of guilt as I often blame myself for being joyless because of “my need” for them to thrive….
Your post brings me comfort, not without a steady stream of tears … as I realize, while it may be a need of mine, it is one I have for them… to once again be uninhibited, less guarded, and afraid to make mistakes so that they may once again feel that freedom brought by being satisfied in themselves & content within their own skin… I do believe these six little words will be a step in the right direction. I will begin to use them and seek those not- to-be missed moments! Hopefully inspiring my family to do the same… Thank you so much…
So beautiful. Thank you for making me cry and for the great relationship advice. It’s so simple and we all need to be reminded what to do. More often, we hear- what not to do. This is the thing I admire from great teachers. Please keep writing.
I love to watch my daughters play and perform. As a teacher, I love to watch them sing. I’m not much of a crier, but I’m glad I’m not the only one blubbering secretively on the sidelines and audience. But I need to tell them how much I like it, though.
tearing, but teses are tears of happiness and relieve. i found your webside and FB page yesterday and this is what i am in need of. huge eye openner for what i thank you today. being busy mom, wife, nurse, student, daughter etc. i have forgotten of simple thing such as to be hands free mom. since reading your notes last night, i spend great quality time with my children today by simply sitting at the kitchen table and talk talk talk and then took them for a walk and was actually showing them world around us… so thank you again and looking forward to more …
p.s. my eldest daughter is a swimmer and my middle one is a gymnast so tomorrow is a lesson learn from you “I love to watch you swim/practice!” and will try very hard to stop there…
What an inspiring post. I too sometimes find myself coaching and encouraging instead of just saying those simple words ” I love to…..”. Thank you for bringing such clarity to this, and I hope to be more mindful.
I love this. So simple and so true! Thank you for this. I will carry this with me as I journey through motherhood with my two daughters.
Fabulous. You hit the nail on the head. I teared up just reading it!
So true! you brought tears to my eyes, because i really do love and enjoy watching them play, swim, run, thrive! It is also very encouraging! and often times we forget to notice the positive, the good! the success even if it is in tiny steps it is success! thank you for reminding us of these 6 words very important words if I may add.
Is there a problem with the CSS here? I can’t read anything here without highlighting it with the mouse, because it’s all purple. I’m using Google Chrome if it makes a difference.
I’m just discovering your blog in the last two days, and I have a lot of catching up to do, but this one brought me to tears. So many times, so many moments I too well up when I am watching my kids, or husband or friends do something, and yet I let the moment pass without the simple six words. I can be that parent/wife that says too much, not meaning to take away from the moment. Fewer words is wise!! Thank you again for the reminder!
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I totally empathise with your feelings. And believe it or not these are the exact words I said to my son who plays soccer…”I love to watch you play”.
Thanks for putting into words what I have felt for so long.
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you have caught it right on… we all want somebody to notice us
Those six words prove that we are aware of something special in someone’s life … that we have noticed them and that we ‘love’ something about them. That is the love thread that binds us together in Christ
thank you for sharing this. i will remember it forever.
A friend shared this post with me today and I love it! Why is it so easy to say so much more and so hard to stop at I love to see you x? But I’m going to try this…and I’m going to follow your lovely blog now!
Thank you so much! This makes me very happy to know those 6 words are being put into action and a little person will reap the benefits! Thanks for letting me know.
Thank you so much for sharing this beautiful bit of advice. life has been so hard lately, thank you for putting the important things in to perspective for me on such a fragile day. my tears of sadness turned to joy. again, i can’t thank you enough.
I am grateful to know something I wrote have given you hope, Krystie. That fuels my writing like nothing else.
I am struck speechless by the simplicity of this idea. Is this the reason my “helpful” analytical comments after my kids’ performances never seem to strike the right note with them? My goal has always been to be supportive, to show that I was paying attention, to put into words what I thought they might have in their own minds about their performance and then let them know they did well (or that they were just having one bad day, depending). I always felt something about my method wasn’t hitting the right chord, but I’ve never been able to figure out how to do things differently. Is it too late for me, do you think? My kids are 26, 25, 19, 17, and 14. This blog post is, as Oprah might say, a “lightbulb moment” for me. Could it be as simple as just saying, “I love watching you play the clarinet?” I’m not even sure I could say that without bawling like an idiot, because I am that parent, too–the one who is sitting in the audience filled with emotion that I feel too foolish to express. I don’t know how I found my way to your blog today, but I’m really glad I did!
Jan, this makes me smile! I can relate to everything you say! And no, it is NOT too late. And although it might seem awkward at first to say that short, simple line, just watch your child’s face light up. I have found it gets easier/more comfortable to say and my children continue to light up like it is the first time they heard it. It is life-changing, really. I am SO glad you found your way here, too! Keep me posted!
Children are teachers, yes, but so are you. Thank you so very much for this incredibly valuable lesson. I had a good cry this morning thanks to your lovely post. I’m off to tell my children how much I love to watch them, well, do everything.
Thanks for reminding me what children really, really want to hear from us.
i can’t find ali edwards’ link to you/original post, but found you, so wanted to say, that after watching and umpiring my daughters’ 2 netball games this morning – after their games, i simply said ‘i love to watch u play’. thank you
Beautiful! Thank you!
Like everyone else, I teared up at this blog. This was so inspiring, so heartfelt, and so what I wish had been said to me more often as a child. I fully believe in the power of these 6 little words. I found this blog on an old freinds fb, saw the word mama and had to read it, and I have to say, it’s nothing that I thought it would be. It was so much better. I read the whole blog, every comment made, and all the shared blogs. Except for mr toddp, who I myself would NOT want for a father, you touched and changed the lives of everyone. As I commented on my old friends fb, I’m going to be saying this to my 10 month old. He may not fully understand what it means. But he does understand the word love. He’ll grow up hearing this from mama a lot. Thank you. You saved my child a lot of unmeant heartache. I need to read more of your blogs. I won’t forget this.
When my son went through his teenage years and had his ups and downs, he’d ask if he disappointed me. My answer would be that growing up was learning from your mistakes and that “I love watching you grow up.”
I think it made all the difference in the world – much better than a lecture.
That is one of the most beautiful things I think I have ever heard a parent say. Thank you, Robert. I will remember your words. You have given me a gift by sharing your insight. Your son is very blessed.
Thank you for that!
What a beautiful article. I love watching my children do so many things but I rarely tell them that. Now I will. Thank you!
Rachel- Thank you for making time for this blog, for your readers, for the lives and hearts that your words touch. We are all luckier and more blessed for your generosity with your time. I’m trying to live the words every day with my children. And trying desperately to pry the cell phone out of my husband’s hand. Our daughter is 16 months old and is doing so many things for the first time. And I don’t want him to miss a moment. I don’t want him to wish to have time back that he HAS now. Any suggestions on how to get him on board?
Again, thank you. Although your blogs generally make me tear up (I don’t try to hide it), I appreciate every one.
Thank you.
You are so kind! Thank you for taking time to tell me the impact of my messages on your life. It truly means the world to me. Thank you also for the commitment you have made to your daughter. I commend you for realizing the importance of connecting with her now and also encouraging your husband to do so, as well. That is truly a gift to both of them.
I would share with your husband the impact that letting go of distraction has had on your life. I would be open and honest, making sure he knows this comes from a place of love for him and for your daughter. Be clear that you are not asking him to give up technology or neglect his work responsibilities–even short time periods being fully present with loved ones can make a difference. If he could just limit his use of technology when he is in the presence of your daughter, it could really make an impact on her life and on his, as well. That would be a starting point. From my experience (and from my readers), once you begin to scale back on your distraction, your eyes are opened. You then see what you have been missing (the best parts of life) and you are then reinforced to continue this letting go of distraction practice.
I also share three posts I wrote that have resonated many of my male readers.
Dear Distracted Dad: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2010/12/13/dear-distracted-dad/
Thanks to the Guy Who Put Down the Phone: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2011/12/05/thanks-to-the-guy-who-put-down-the-phone/
Start The Conversation: http://www.handsfreemama.com/2012/02/20/start-the-conversation/
I wish you only the best, my friend. Keep me posted.
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YEAH!!! Love, love, love to watch them play and be a part of their play and be INVITED!!!
Just found your blog, a friend told me about it! So far, I love it!! I will definitely be checking you out!
Awesome post!!
Thank You!
Andrea : )
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That has just made me cry, made my heart swell and made me smile…. gorgeous! I tell my boys and hubby I adore them all the time, but I know me. As they get older, I’ll add buts, ifs, explanations. I will never forget this, it’s burned into my brain… thank you!
Thank you for such a beautiful post. Seriously, tears streaming. How truly simple it is to make a kid’s day, to make them feel special, and wrap them up in a love and approval that only a parent can give.
Beautifully said, Sarah! I appreciate you taking a moment to let me know how this message impacted you.
I love reading all of your posts, but this one really struck a chord with me. We can express sentiments like this in so many ways, and it brought tears to my eyes thinking about how often I can share a feeling like this with my kids. Thank you for this new daily mantra I can’t wait to try.
Today is my birthday, and my nine year old daughter, who has a passion for cooking and who just started baking by herself, made me incredible cupcakes from scratch, along with my favorite icing, also from scratch. After I sampled her buttercream, I made it a point to say, “I love tasting your work.” Her smile alone was the best present I could have asked for!
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We love to read your words! Thank you for adding a loving slice of simplicity to a very complicated job – parenting.
Thank you, Andrea! I am truly honored. I am a fan of your great work on Alabama’s 13!
The message in your post really spoke to me ~ I’ve been doing this more and more, and seeing my son’s face light up when I talk to him this way is so rewarding. I am also a bit proud… I have been leaving my smartphone home altogether when we go out to the park ~ I feel much more ‘in the moment’ with my kids and more relaxed for it. You are inspiring x
This post is so well written, it made me cry – but in a good way. Such a beautiful message, and so simple
Made me cry… Wonderful!
I am crying as I write this- this touched me in so many ways it is hard to share. I love this post and will return to it often. I am bookmarking and pinning it right now. I would love to share it on Boy Mama Teacher Mama too if that is okay with you. Thank you!
I just posted your post on my FB page because I was so moved by it. If you would like to see what people say on my page here is the link http://www.facebook.com/BoyMamaTeacherMama/posts/261428293967242
Thank you for sharing the message, Stephanie! It has been viewed almost 100,000 times because of people like you. I had big dreams for this message … that it would touch some lives … but this is beyond my wildest dreams! I am truly grateful. I look forward to checking out your page! With gratitude, Rachel
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Oh my. Thank you is all I can say to you after reading this post. You bought tears to my eyes.
I have 17 month old twins so I have not yet come to the stage of sports or other activities. But I hope, no actually I know, the memory of this post will stay with me forever. I too am a woman of many words. I tell every detail of an event or whatever I may be telling someone about. Sometimes less really is more.
Blast it all! You made me cry. Thank you.
followed a link and found this amazing post…. so glad I did.
I am so that mama who tears up when her kids step up and do something, and also that mama who is tempted to blabber on when all I need to say is “I love to watch you…”
very nice article Rachel!!
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“I love to watch you play” – I will say this today! its a beautiful mantra and i get the feeling it will work for me. thank you
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Wow! That was so wonderful…I am another mama you have just brought to tears with your beautiful words. Thank you for sharing these moments with us….my LO is only 14 months and I find myself tearing up watching her do what she does. I have a very close friend who is a dancer. We lived together while she was attending college for dance and I spent many hours watching her in rehearsal as well as on stage performing. Every single time I saw her dance I would be brought to tears. I wish I had these 6 words to use then but I have them now. I’m going to let her know how much I loved to watch her dance all those years ago. I’m so glad you recognized the need to do this with your husband as well. This is a great reminder to us all to tell everyone in our lives that we love when they touch us like this!
Thank you thank you thank you!
Thank you so much for this post. I don’t yet have children of my own, although it is something I have looked forward to my entire life. This post made me appreciate my own mother more for saying those simple words, “I love to watch you play”. I remember when they visited me one day when I was an intern at the zoo. My mom cried so hard watching me feed the bears as children surrounded me in awe. Now I more deeply understand why she cried so much that day. She loved to see me grow, learn, stretch my wings and fly.
Blast it all! You made me cry. Thank you.
I’m touched to know this post resonated with you, Hakim. Thank you for being here!
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God has given you a most precious gift. I’ve been reading checking on your blog off and on for a few months now and it is such a blessing to me every single time. I mean seriously, every time, i tear up as something profound hits me and i see a new way of looking at or interacting with my children. Thank you and may God continue to bless your relationship with your children AND your husband.:-)
Thank you, Michele. I feel so blessed to write the message divinely placed on my heart. This blog has brought me in contact with such amazing people. Each comment and email message fuels my writing even more. Thanks for being a regular visitor. Your support means the world.
Like you, I am verbose by nature, so this kind of brevity is challenging. I have said something similar to both my daughter and husband…and I’ve tended to tack on another sentence or two just because. I look forward to practicing this new “short and sweet” speech with both of my beloveds. Thank you!
I found this article when a friend posted it on Facebook, and it has since been shared by another friend. I too, do not remember having EVER told my kids that I love watching them do anything, and yet, of course, I love watching them do EVERYthing. One thing I had to say is that we, as parents, need to actually WATCH. I have been to so many sporting events and have looked around to see parents with their eyes in their gadgets and not focused on their kids. I see their kids make a swoosh or score a goal and look over to to their parents for affirmation, and they are crestfallen to see that their moments were not shared. It’s heartbreaking. Thank you for the reminder that we all live in the moment, and thank you again for this marvelous piece of writing!
I love the sound of your soul.
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Thank you for putting it so eloquently – I don’t have children but those six words apply to everyone, and I got that feeling you get when knowledge clicks into place as I read your post.
And, I love the loving respect I see behind the fact that you have answered every comment! Bless you x
Thank you, Rosie. Your comment touches my heart!
I love your thoughts. They are also my own. In fact, I wrote two books about them called, “The Time-Starved Family” and “The Mother’s Mite.” I haven’t blogged for almost a year now because I want to be a “hands free” mom, too.
I quit my speaking job that took me away from home.
Slowed my pace.
Now. I. Just. Love. To. Watch. My. Kids. Grow.
And I don’t want to miss a thing…
Thank you so much, DeAnne. Those sound like books I would love and would gain much insight from! Thank you so much for sharing. I admire what you said about giving up the blogging and speaking to live “Hands Free.”
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Oh my goodness….This is so beautiful it made me cry! I have no idea what your spiritual beliefs are, but this truly blessed my heart as a mom and as a child of God! This is SO the heart of our Father! The pressure’s off! We can lean into Him and relax because He approves of us! Yay! Thank you. <3
Thank you, Elissa! I often write, “I am simply the messenger on this journey, and it is by the grace of God that I have this message to give …” I am incredibly grateful to share the words that are divinely placed on my heart. Thank you for reading and commenting.
I love watching your beautiful authentic vulnerability radiate through your words in every post I read and re-read. *tears*. Thank you Rachel. Xx
It is always a good day when my dear friend Trish leaves a little word of encouragement … so glad to know you were here. I know your journey is going well. Hugs to your precious one.
I am always here… and I will let you know more often. Today this was the post I needed to hear.. again. You have always had an uncanny way of providing what I need in the moment.
With gratitude. Always. xx
Thank you, Trish. I would love that.
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Tears. amazing. as a homeschooling mom of three, with one highly gifted five year old, i need this reminder.
I am not sure of my parents said these exact words, but I will say this: one of the things that always has stood out to me about my childhood (and adulthood) regarding my relationship with my parents is that they have supported me in my talents and dreams. I started performing in plays around age five and started singing before audiences around age eight. I was also an avid writer. My parents never missed one performance, not one, and that is saying a lot. They showed my poems and stories and essays to family members and friends. I was by far not the most talented child in any if these areas, but I enjoyed them greatly. I felt my parents did too. They did not make me feel negatively critiqued but neither did I hear exorbitant praise. I truly think they just enjoyed “watching me play”.
I love the fact that this post is nearing a year from your publish date and it is still touching people. It was shared on facebook by a ‘fellow’-missionary friend here in Belize, Central America. My husband and I have 4 ‘original’ children and we are in the LONG process of adopting a Belizean sibling set of 3. My eldest son has already gone to college but that leaves us with 6 in the home; plus the students we have at school. It doesn’t matter how many children are in the family…time is precious!
But not nearly as precious as those who pass through our care.
Each relationship has its challenges. There is always something that COULD be said but… ‘ain’t nobody got time for all that’. I truly try to say what I need to say and leave the rest. However, I do get bogged down and distracted from time to time. Thanks for the reminder.
I included our website but it is SO outdated since I’ve been using our facebook group more recently. One day I’ll try to resurrect the website but for now…I have more ‘precious ones’ to attend to.
I love to watch Fletcher play.
thanks for your piece and it’s great to see it’s so well received. In Aotearoa/New Zealand the nation wide Playcentre movement focuses on holistic creative children’s play, with volunteer parents running the centres; it may be of interest to you. http://www.playcentre.org.nz We have loved watching our three sons play and flourish there.
I love this and I just found you and am convinced I was inspired onto this post and your blog. I have been having mom guilt like no other! I just need to simplify the kid’s activities. I don’t need to do fancy activities or learning games. Just be there and be wtih them! I don’t have a fancy phone for this reason because I don’t want to be trapped to it, or feeel like I need to be trapped to it. Thank you
I too am a “long winded” giver of my thoughts. This has made a huge impact, thank you for sharing!
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I also tend to be too wordy. Six words. You’ve inspired me to use them more with my daughter.
How lovely is this article. It brought tears to my eyes knowing how 6 simple words would mean to your loved ones. I have found myself in this situation many times. Watching my son play, watching my husband draw and play with the kids, watching my little girl crawl. I will have to use this. Thank you for sharing
Oh my gosh! This is a life changer for me… wipe a tear…thank you.
I was so moved by your article that I had to use those six words that night (I’m always guilty of saying too much.). So after my son’s baseball game I told him “Will, I loved watching you play tonight!” And my son answers, “Yeah I know right. I’m awesome!” Lol. So much for a heartfelt moment. Luckily I think my girls will react differently. Thank you for sharing such life changing words!
Well, you gave me a smile tonight, Barbara! I love that you gave it a try and even though you got the “cool” answer from your son, I’d like to believe it means something deep down … or perhaps will in the future. Thanks for taking time to write to me. It means so much to know that you were moved by the piece enough that it inspired you to act. This means so much to me.
-Rachel
Thanks Rachel. I think I should mention that my son is only 7. Not sure he was being cool as much as being very confident in himself. LOL Looking forward to reading your future posts!
It’s amazing how powerful these few words I are…
Just the simple things can be changed into such motivators for our little princes and princesses and, you get the most unexpected answers too…
Thanks, great post…
I love this! I also catch myself saying “I love you, but…” when trying to correct my child’s behavior. “I love you, but you you may not hit me.” “I love you, but you need to eat your dinner.” I’m going to be more conscientious about that after reading your post. Criticism and correction should not be linked to a parent’s love. There’s a time for each, but love should not be conditional. Thank you!
Thanks for sharing, Ally. What a great point you make!
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I have no words Rachel I’m tearing huge droplets of tears and smiling too! I just love what you write. You are an amazing ,mom and wife! And an amazing person for touching so many lives