By now you may have heard about the progress report my younger daughter came home with several years ago that said: “Distracted in large groups.”
You may also know (or can relate to) the fact that this comment did not surprise me. Since she was a toddler, this child has offered astute observations of the world around her. But what did surprise me is how badly she wanted to know what those words next to the low mark said. I hesitated, sensing this was a pivotal moment that could define her sense of self.
Telling my daughter not to worry about it didn’t seem right and neither did being dishonest. So, after pointing out all the positives on the progress report, I gave her truth.
Upon hearing the news, my freckle-faced kindergartner looked down shyly. With an uncertain smile, she said, “Yeah, I do look around a lot.”
That’s when I bent down, looked her straight in the eye, and described all the important things she notices each day – people’s hurts, people’s joys, people’s names … where the car is parked (thank goodness), where her big sister left her library book (thank goodness) … the tiniest seashells, and the biggest, puffiest clouds … who is being left out, who got a new haircut, and who has a peanut allergy.
The word “Noticer” came to mind as I assured my daughter she did not need to change. “I don’t ever want you to stop noticing because that is your gift,” I said with conviction. “It is your gift that you give to the world.”
Out of all the conversations I’ve had with my child, now ten years old, that conversation ranks among the most important. As time passes and Avery continues to grow, I marvel at her evolution as a Noticer. My initial instinct to deem her “distractedness” a gift rather than a problem is often confirmed in powerful ways. This week, we received one such confirmation. Avery had applied to become a member of the Safety Patrol at her elementary school next fall. The application required a written paragraph as to why the student thought he or she was well suited for the job. I marveled at the way Avery sat at the kitchen table writing that short essay. She needed no help from me.
She wrote:
“I would be a good safety patrol in school next year because I love helping and guiding kids. I am also very observant and will not let anyone get hurt! If someone does get hurt, I will help them. Lastly, I would be having lots of fun while helping out. This seems like a great job for me. That is why I, Avery Stafford, would make a good safety patrol.”
I smiled at her convincing words. Her “distractedness” was hardly a problem; it was her “gift,” and it had the power to protect lives.
A week passed, and Avery came home to report she’d been selected. I’d barely gotten out my congratulations when she expressed sadness for her classmate who did not get selected.
“How did you know she didn’t get selected? Did they announce it?” I asked.
“No, I saw her face; I just knew,” she said sadly.
I have no doubt my daughter’s assumptions were correct. Noticers are perceptive. They just know.
I hugged my daughter and thanked her for noticing and caring so much for others. I reminded her that very quality was the quality that would make her such a great Safety Patrol.
Oddly or perhaps not so oddly, I thought of my child’s new role as I watched the devastating news unfold about the recent terrorist attack outside the Ariana Grande concert in Manchester. I became obsessed with the homeless man, Chris Parker, who picked himself up from the blast to aid lost children and comfort the wounded. News reports praised Chris for cradling a dying woman and wrapping a bloodied child in merchandise t-shirts. The press called him a hero, but I am quite certain he is a Noticer.
Upon seeing the news reports, the man’s estranged mother put out a plea to reunite with her son. “No matter what’s happened in the past, Chris has done so well, and I am very proud of him,” she added.
Rest assured, Mama, a Noticer will find your son, I thought to myself tearfully.
I’ve been praying about Chris and his mother’s reunion. I hope when she looks at him, she does not see his past mistakes or his “problem” areas. I hope she looks him straight in the eye and says, “I see you. I see your inner gifts. I am so proud to call you my son. I love you.”
It’s never too late to say the things you wished you’d said years ago.
It’s never too late to look at someone and see their “flaws” in a whole new light.
It’s never too late to wrap your arms around your Noticer and say, “I’m sorry I didn’t see your light before.”
Yesterday I filed through the papers on my desk until I found the gift Avery gave her father and me in February as our Valentine’s Day gifts. She prefaced the gifts by saying they were the most important folders we will ever own. Two “How to Be a Noticer” folders had been handed to us proudly. What seemed humorous a few months ago seems critically important now. Perhaps Avery knew Noticer Training would be in order, and she was born to lead that initiative.
I look at the Noticer checklists inside the folder and see it’s about having heightened awareness—looking around … paying attention … taking in life’s most important details and responding with heart.
I hope the world takes notice.
Let’s start right here …
Perhaps you love a Noticer. Perhaps you are a Noticer. Some very special people possess the Noticing gift but are made to feel like it’s a problem, so they hide it, squelch it, or numb it.
Let’s not do that anymore.
I’d like more people to embrace their Noticing gifts proudly. That’s why I give updates on the Evolution of my Noticer who was once called Distracted. Her latest progression feels like the most monumental one yet. She is about to begin her new role of keeping kids safe … sensing troubling situations … running toward, not away, from the hurt, the scared, and the lost. Just like Chris Parker did.
Could there be a more important job?
I don’t think so.
I share this latest update in hopes it reaches a parent wondering if acceptance is the right response when the system is telling you differently.
It is.
I share this update today in hopes it reaches that distracted little boy or girl feeling like there is something wrong with him or her.
There is not.
I share this update today in hopes it reaches that grown-up little boy or girl still carrying the shame of low marks and negative comments about who you are.
You are perfect.
And we need you desperately.
Because the truth is,
We are all just waiting for someone to notice—notice our pain, notice our scars, notice our fear, notice our joy, notice our triumphs, notice our courage. And the one who notices is a rare and beautiful gift.
(from Only Love Today)
I close this post with a message I received from a sixty-year-old woman. She wrote, “When I was six, my dad took me to the circus, and I kept turning around. My dad scolded me and told me I needed to watch the show. I rather watch the people behind me. All my life I thought there was something wrong with me. Now I know, there is not. I am a Noticer.”
It’s never too late to see yourself in a whole new light.
Let go of that shame, and let your light shine, dear Noticers.
The world is safer with your bright eyes upon it, looking out for who to help next.
***************************************
For bite-size inspiration and simple strategies to know and understand your Noticer or a loved who is perceived as “different,” please consider my latest book, ONLY LOVE TODAY: Reminders to Breathe More, Stress Less, & Choose Love. It is a flip open, read anytime/anywhere source of daily encouragement with emphasis on and strategies for loving ourselves and children “as is.” ONLY LOVE TODAY is a $2.99 eBook special for the month of May! Just a few days left to take advantage of that price. Thanks to all who are using the beautiful hardcover version as a gift for anyone who is in need of hope and positivity.
Thank you for walking beside me, my friends of The Hands Free Revolution. Please join our supportive community on Instagram or Facebook. The beautiful comment sections never cease to make us feel unalone and give us hope. I appreciate you.
LOVELY Rachel!
Thank you, Jamie! So nice to hear from someone who has known me forever!!! Goodness knows how much I loved YOUR Noticer with that amazing heart of gold. Hugs & prayers to you all.
I am a Noticer too and have not always been thanked for it. Thank you for sharing your beautiful heart with us. Hope my little angel still blesses you. Love from Perth W.Australia
She sounds like she’s an Empath to me, a lightworker, here to guide us. She seems to feel and as you say “knows” the world around here and is very in tune and aware of that fact. I say this because I too am Empathic and have had to shut it off somewhat as it becomes overwhelming and intense having all the feelings of everyone around you bombard your soul. I highly recommend you look into this it could help your child even more in her journey of spreading her beautiful light.
Thank you, Jennifer. She loves to go to the nursing home to see her elderly friend that she “adopted.” Sometimes the smells, the sights, the sounds, the pain, the loneliness is too much. We stop and watch the birds. She gathers herself and says, I am ready now. And then she sings to Annie. They are both “home” when she sings. Here is a clip of her singing to Annie – https://youtu.be/0PSnZYspFBU
So uplifting! You’re exactly the kind of mama that noticer Avery needs!
Oh that is music to my heart! Thank you!!!!
Your posts almost always make me shed tears that I do not blame on being pregnant. Thank you for helping me see another way and having the courage to try and change.
I have 3 kids and my oldest is also a distracty-girl, the very “fault” that some of her teachers have complained about is what makes her so very special and unique. Let’s pray they never change, we need more pure souls. Beautiful post. All the love.
Our biggest weaknesses are also our biggest strengths. So often what others think of us is more about them than it is about us. This was a lovely tribute to your daughter and her strengths.
Love your Noticer posts about Avery. Writers are Noticers. Basho and Issa, haiku masters, were big time Noticers. Issa is known for writing about the smallest insects and happenings around him. Avery would be a good haiku master!
you make me smile, John S. Green!
This is lovely!! My Noticer saved four lives when he ended up being a victim in the Aurora Theater shooting 5 years ago! I have always called it his “gift” and been proud of him for it and without it, we would have lost him that day! Way back in his elementary school days, I used to feel badly that he had absorbed that trait from me…so Thank You for verbalizing what a fellow Noticer needed to hear today!
Oh my goodness, I had to read this comment several times. I have chills! I am so thankful your Noticer not only survived, but was able to save others! I celebrate your son and YOU for passing on this gift and nurturing it! Thank you so much for taking time to share and inspire. Lots of love to your Noticer!!
What wonderful encouragement to love and appreciate our children for who they are. Not who we think they should be – or what anyone else thinks they should be.
I always enjoy reading your posts, but this one brought tears to my eyes and a lump to my throat. As the mom of an 11 year old noticer, I felt that your were speaking directly to me and my beautiful, kind, super observant daughter. Thank you!
Thank you for sharing! Just yesterday my son’s teacher sent a note home saying he was inattentive and distracted. It is similar to the other notes that she has written to me this year. It has made me feel like a terrible parent because I don’t know how to change his behavior. Perhaps it is because I don’t see anything wrong with it. It is good to know that there are others like him out there who are empathetic to anyone and everyone. I know his little heart is overwhelmed by the smells, emotions and other qualities that noticers pick up on. I didn’t know how to respond to his teacher before, but I think I will start by sharing your story.
Thank you so much for writing this!
I currently have what I will now forever call a noticer in Kindergarten getting the same remarks on his report card, “doesn’t listen well in large groups” and “most empathetic kid in the class”. This article made me tear up in the best way possible 😭
Thank you for this article. Thank you for showing us that our empathy is our gift and that we should not be ashamed for perceiving the world differently.
There is a series of children’s chapter books by Sara Pennypacker called “Clementine” that my daughters (ages 6 and 9) and I love. Clementine is a Noticer and is praised by her parents for these exact traits that get her in trouble at school, but make her the very best friend, daughter, and sister anyone could ever wish for. Thank you for your post!
Rachel, this is one of those posts where… I don’t even know what to say. But thank you. Thank you for understanding. Thank you for calling out this gift that can feel like a burden, and thank you for recognizing what a beautiful thing it is. Hugs ❤️
As soon as I read this post I got my still-awake five year old out of bed and apologized to her for rushing her to bed a little earlier and not allowing her to fix her broken block display that had gotten knocked over as she got into bed. I told her that I’m glad she notices when things need to be fixed and when people need things too. I’m sorry for the times I rush her past things that need noticing but I’m too focused and miss them. I thanked her for being herself. She snuggled in and I could tell my words were filling her right up, and fixing a sad place I had caused. Thank you for your words and for inspiring that moment.
This made me cry — happy tears. I am so grateful you took my words and you brought them to life in the best possible way. I feel so blessed. Love to you and your VERY VERY special Noticer who sees when things need fixing. What an important role she plays in our world.
Thank you so much for your personal response! My husband and I are both continuing to slow down to be more understanding and supportive of our daughter since reading your article. Thank you for the way your pour your heart and experiences into writing for the encouragement of others!
This is lovely. My two are extremely vigilant due to their past experiences. It can make them “hyper” at times, and appear excitable. It also makes them extremely astute to peoples feelings. They can see when people are hurting, or upset. Its about re-framing how we, or more importantly, others perceiving behaviours., so thank you for saying it so eloquently. xxx
This brings back memories of my daughter’s first grade school report. “Distracted easily.” My response – “She’s visually astute. She takes in everything. Sensitive to her environment, a natural artist.” My response was just not going to do. Like my daughter I was not conforming to expectation. I was supposed to find her behavior a “problem” to be fixed and the teacher was going to prove she had a problem. Hence the shaming began pulling her out of class to find the root of her distraction. There was no problem. No label. No diagnosis. And fortunately one person she was pulled out to work with had the courage to say, “This is who she is.” Twenty years later truth be known, she is a gifted artist, highly sensitive and compassionate to people and their feelings. She sees things deeply and with wisdom. Seeing life beyond the surface is a gift not a malady and we would be wise to learn from their example, to pause and take note of what we might be missing.
WOW! This is cause for celebration!!! Thank you for this beautiful confirmation we can all take something from. That last line should be on a billboard: “Seeing life beyond the surface is a gift not a malady and we would be wise to learn from their example, to pause and take note of what we might be missing.”
Thank you for this post, dear Rachel! Avery will do a GREAT job on safety patrol, in part because of who she is and in part because you have given her a safe place to land, and now she can offer that to others in her turn.
As I read your words, it struck me so strongly that when we give another person our wholehearted acceptance, they are empowered to go out into the world and help make it a safer place for everyone.
The ripple effects are real, and it starts with just one person, just one moment, one choice to see people in a new light.
Thank you, as always, for the beautiful reminder of what’s real. xoxo
Your NOTICER posts are my favorite! I know realize I’m a noticer and gave birth to one! I always cherish how you opened my eyes to this remarkable trait, how to see it as a benefit and how to squash the opinions of those that don’t. It’s a challenge, especially when there are preconceived notions about behaviors in certain places (school, church, funerals), but that’s when we require the most open mindedness. Thanks again for all you do, who you are and the topics you’ve educated your readers. What a lovely, sweet spirit you have!
You’ve just clarified in my head that my 4 year old is a noticer. THANK YOU. I will be able to parent her so much more appropriately xx
Crying. I so needed this after a brutal parent teacher conference last night. You’ve totally changed my perspective, and I’m not going to keep trying to fix something that ain’t broke!
So much love to you, Dahlia!!!
This was amazing and I am glad that I stumbled across it. I was a noticer too, who was shamed for it and shamed again in a recent experience. This made such a difference for me. Thank you!
You are still a Noticer, my friend. The greatest artists are Noticers. They observe their saurroundingwith an open imagination. Haiku poet masters are considered noticers of nature and people.