Kicking Shame to the Curb by Connecting Our Dots

{This morning, I posted the following piece on social media. My hands were shaking. I can’t remember ever feeling quite so vulnerable. Within a few minutes, there were two comments that indicated my story was her story, and we are not alone. The crack of light I discovered last week suddenly got brighter. As the morning has progressed, the light of hope and healing continues to grow through the comment section on Facebook and Instagram. I knew I had to upload the post to my blog so that it could also reach you. Perhaps October 1, 2018 is the day you have been waiting for too. Let us begin our Shame Kick. It is not too late.}

I’m done sabotaging my health.
I’m done shaming my body.
I’ve been connecting dots, and it’s allowed me to see myself, my body in a whole, new way.
What happened when I was a sophomore in college was not my fault, and this newly discovered truth changes everythingIt changes the way I see my body that is worthy of loving regard and care.
Perhaps there’s not enough water in the world to quench my parched soul, but I can start with one glass.
I will start today, October 1.

Some would call it a ‘health kick.’
I’ve called it that many times before, as I attempted to consume less sugar, less processed foods, and less diet soda.
But I could never last long; I always sabotaged myself.
Enough Coke Zeros to die a slow death, I joked.
If only it was a joke.
I’ve been sabotaging my body, withholding good things from it, because of shame.
I see the connection now.

So I’m not calling it a ‘health kick;’ this is a ‘shame kick.’
It’s twenty-some years overdue,
But it’s not too late—
Not too late for me or my children who are learning to thrive
By watching me live.
And I will not die a slow death.

I’ve never been an emotional eater, but last week I was out of control.
As I stuffed my mouth while consuming current events in mass amounts, I connected some very painful dots.
I’d never considered what happened to me “violations” –particularly one traumatic event my sophomore year.
In my mind, they were
My mistakes,
My misjudgments,
My fault—as if one could make purple bruises in intimate places on her own body.
The bruises on my skin healed, but the shame remained,
And I’ve used it to sabotage my health and condemn my body for over twenty years.
I see the connection now.

There I was, sitting on a kitchen stool in a beach rental last week, eating my lunch and watching breaking news. A feisty voice said, “What he did to you was wrong. You did not deserve that, no matter how much you drank or how attractive you looked in that black formal dress with ivory beads.”
I’d awoken to bruises and missing beads that night,
And I blamed myself.
For twenty-seven years, I blamed myself and told not a soul.
But as I sat there eating my feelings and then berated myself for it, I saw how it’s all connected to that awful night and the awful days that followed,
Where shame hung on my body and around my waist where I forbid anyone to touch me.

And I am not alone.

I heard from several friends last week.
“Rach, it happened to me,
And I can’t stop crying,” one friend said.

And when I told my mom on Saturday what happened when I was a sophomore, she offered compassion and understanding. Much to my dismay, my mom had her own story to tell.

So these dots I’m connecting—I decided to show you what I’m seeing, just in case it might help you connect your own dots and begin loving yourself wholly—
instead of conditionally,
sporadically,
and incompletely.

Just imagine what could happen if we begin this season of healing today, October 1^st.
What if my dot connects to your dot, and together we form a new picture of wholeness we could never grasp before?Seeing my experience as a violation—not a mistake—is changing the way I see everything.
I now have hope; there’s a crack of light.
Stand with me in the light.

I’ll be repeating these words—495 times a day if I have to:
I am worthy of healing.
I am worthy of a shame-free existence.
I am worthy of moving my body freely.
I am worthy of loving regard.
I am worthy of leafy greens and fulfilling nutrients.
I am worthy of a tall glass of water for my parched soul.
There may not be enough water in the world to quench this thirst, but I can start with one glass.
I will start today.

I’ve waited decades for this day. I’ve finally connected dots, and they don’t have to make sense to anyone because they make sense to me. With each dot connected, I shed the weight of shame that was never mine to carry.

Connect your dot to mine, dear ones. Stand beside me in the light of hope. We are not alone. We are stronger together.

Our ‘shame kick’ begins today; we are not too late.

We are worthy.
We are not alone.
I see the connection now.
May you see it too.

RAINN (National confidential sexual assault hotline): 1-800-656-4673

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Dear friends of the Hands Free Revolution, the terms “self-care” and “self-love” have always felt vague and complicated to me. That is why I am starting my ‘shame kick’ with a small, specific, tangible goal: a glass of water for my thirsty soul.  I actually started yesterday – it was the most water I’ve drank in a long time. And last night was the best I’ve slept in a long time. Today I encourage you to make a loving note-to-self like the one my friend Jenna made for me. Use my words if you’d like. I love you and care deeply about your wellbeing. And for more inspiration, please go read the comments on the Facebook or Instagram post. Our sisters have shared such wisdom, direction, guidance, strength, and hope! 

 In related news, I will be speaking at the Discovering You Conference sponsored by Mercy Health in Elyria, Ohio on October 20. The goal of the event is to ensure that all women know THEY ARE WORTHY, and my talk will address the power of our words to ourselves. This important event was founded by Gail Stumphauzer in memory of her daughter, Margeau, whose eating disorder caused health problems that ultimately led to her death at the age of 29. I look forward to meeting with each and every attendee after the event. If there was ever a time in history when we need to look into each other’s eyes, hold each other’s hands, and breathe in love & exhale grace, it is now. Please register soon while there are tickets still available.  Thank you. -RMS