Hands Free Mama

Letting Go...To Grasp What Really Matters

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Returning the Cart and the Truth About Parenting with Long-Haul Hope

I recently got cleared by my podiatrist to take a fifteen-minute walk outside.  That … [Read more...]

Filed Under: conscious parenting, courage, dealing with change, emotional wellbeing, human connection, human needs, mental health, pandemic struggles, teen wellness

Not Where You Want to Be, But Still Here

“I’m not where I want to be.” Those words seem to keep coming up,in my mindin … [Read more...]

Filed Under: conscious parenting, dealing with change, healing, human connection, living authentically, Living In Realness, mental health, racism, relationships, teen wellness

The Worthiness Piece You Might Not Know is Missing

After going years without making this pie, I’ve made it twice in a month’s time. It’s truly the … [Read more...]

Filed Under: emotional wellbeing, healing, human connection, human needs, life's purpose, living authentically, mental health, self-acceptance, self-love

The Complete Way to Unload Your Pain and Expand Healing

"Because it feels like we've been here foreverDon't know how much farther or where we're going toBut … [Read more...]

Filed Under: courage, elderly, healing, human connection, human needs, living authentically, mental health, overcoming adversity, pandemic struggles, racism, self-love, teen wellness

How to Stabilize Your Fractured Soul in an Unsettling World

On one of my recent social media posts, a commenter said she’d like to start taking a quiet moment … [Read more...]

Filed Under: being present, emotional wellbeing, human connection, human needs, intentional living, living authentically, mental health, pandemic struggles, relationships, self-acceptance, self-love, virtual learning

This Uncomfortable Advice Is Helping My Child Manage a Hard Time in Life

"You're not scared when I'm not okayYou're holding the spacesYou're showing me what grace isThat I'm … [Read more...]

Filed Under: conscious parenting, emotional wellbeing, human connection, life's purpose, mental health, overcoming adversity, pandemic struggles, teen wellness, virtual learning

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A Course by Rachel

Soul Shift

Welcome!

Rachel

I want to make memories, not to-do lists. I want to feel the squeeze of loving arms, not the pressure of over-commitment. I want to get lost in conversation with my favorite people, not consumed in a sea of unimportant emails. I want to be overwhelmed by sunsets that give me hope, not by overloaded agendas that steal my joy. I want the noise of my life to be a mixture of laughter & gratitude, not the intrusive buzz of mobile phones & text messages. I’m letting go of distraction, perfection, & pressure to grasp what really matters. I’m living Hands Free. Will you join me? (Read More)

Meet Rachel

Speaking Events
“After attending one of Rachel’s speaking events, I am finding myself pausing more and re-setting my reactions to my spouse and children as a result of reflecting on the situations and lessons Rachel shared. Her decision to reveal the good, the bad, and the ugly, and what she’s learned as she’s worked to transform herself, has lasting impacts on her audience. Rachel’s lessons are like ripples in the ocean as they help others like me move towards choosing love and coming as we are. Rachel works wonders by helping others work wonders.” –A Hands Free Mama in progress

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You never wanted to know how to survive divorce. Y You never wanted to know how to survive divorce.
You never wanted to know the depths of depression.
You never wanted to know the signs of addiction.

But you do.

You never wanted to know rock bottom.
You never wanted to know how to leave an abusive relationship.
You never wanted to know it was possible to come back after financial crisis.

But you do.

You never wanted to know the pain of caring for a parent who doesn’t remember you.
You never wanted to be the strong one.
You never wanted to know the car is a safe place to cry.

But you do.

You never wanted to know a family could break.
You never wanted to know how to put the pieces back together in a new way.
You never wanted to know a new normal.

But you do.

You never wanted to know claiming peace comes from cutting ties.
You never wanted to know the kind of courage it takes to ask for help.
You never wanted to know the pain of living an unauthentic life.

But you do. You do. 

The tears that surface at inopportune times and unexpected moments are the lines of your story. And each time you own it – rather than hide it – someone else is not alone in their story. This type of connection creates real possibility, even when it feels like you know how the story ends.

My friend, your story is not over; it is still being written.

In time, may your remarkable storyline intersect with something or someone that feels like real hope.

-Rachel 

📷 ABOUT THIS PHOTO: This was taken by @amybpaulson during one of my #soulshift retreats.
After this session, as we began leaving the outdoor amphitheater, I noticed people gravitating towards each other. Through the stories shared, people who experienced similar pain, challenges, and hopes were able to find each other.

On the stage where we’d stood, were things we were leaving behind for good: painful baggage… damaging beliefs… hurtful labels… guilt and regret.

This is the power of being seen and feeling the validation of being heard.

🍂 Maybe it’s your time….

FIVE WEEKS FROM TODAY, I will be leading my retreat at @artoflivingboone. Please don’t miss this rare opportunity if it speaks to you. Click link in bio or stories to register.
When my child was 8 and we’d ride our bikes to t When my child was 8 and we’d ride our bikes to the grocery store, she did this thing that made me hold my breath.

Each time the sidewalk ended, she coasted down the curb and weaved out into the busy road just a bit. This tendency startled me, but I knew if I yelled out, screamed, or even gasped, I might cause her to lose her balance. 

So instead, I held my breath and said a little prayer.

There were exactly ten scary swerves from our house to the store. Each time Avery got back safely on the sidewalk, she’d look back and smile as if to say, “I got this.”

Although I was shaking inside, I’d smile back -- my most confident smile—as if to say, “Yep. You got this.” 

I find myself thinking a lot about that experience as my daughter now navigates high school, a territory in which adolescents do a lot of weaving, teetering, and even some crashing. When this happens, I try not to overreact, gasp, or scream. I try not to hover or overprotect. I try my best to support and believe in her ability to overcome.

As she forges her path to independence, she seeks my approval and opinions less and less – but I notice she still tends to look to me when facing something tough. And although I am shaking inside, I give her my best look of assurance. I push away my distractions, my agenda, my fears, and give her all of me.

That look, from my heart to hers, steadies her.

I see it in the way her chest exhales...

in the way she refocuses...

and in the way she doesn’t give up.

It's quite normal to want to spare my child from the pain that comes with being human, but the characteristics I most want her to develop are often born from a place of adversity. I want my child to believe she is strong and capable, so when the path gets bumpy, she will not be stuck in fear or give up because it’s too hard.

I want her to say herself, “I’ve been on a difficult path before. I’ll keep pedaling, my face towards the sun. I got this.” 🚲🌅
My yearly #soulshift retreat is one of those rare My yearly #soulshift retreat is one of those rare occasions in our impersonal, hurried, and distracted lives that we can comfortably, authentically, and supportively connect with people from all walks of life who want to live with more presence, purpose, and joy. 

My retreat offers a natural way to make a new friend (if you want to) or just have personal time and quiet space to get reconnected with yourself and your inner dreamer. Time and time again, I hear this from participants: ‘I was scared to come, but I am so glad I gave myself this gift.’

Please feel free to message me if you have any questions at all about the upcoming retreat at @artoflivingboone in NC. If you feel like you should be there, let’s try to make it happen. 

My hand in yours,

Rachel 

Click link in bio or stories for details & registration. Thank you @amybpaulson for the beautiful photos you took of me at the center the past couple of years.
If we are neglecting our inherent needs, using neg If we are neglecting our inherent needs, using negative self-talk, or ignoring our stress, it is very difficult to connect with our kids and teens to help them cope with their own pressures and challenges.

Ask me how I know, I will tell you the truth — and the truth isn’t pretty — but moments of painful self-awareness can become catalysts for growth.

Like this self-realization:

“Helping my 14-year-old daughter overcome this traumatic event mustn’t be my life’s purpose. I need to invest in things that will help ME be a healthy companion for HER on HER healing journey.”

What I discovered was that even brief, imperfect attempts at being kind and loving towards myself made a significant impact during that trying period in my family’s life. Because here’s the thing: When we are kind to ourselves, we create a space that is free of judgment—a place that honors our pain and sees our mistakes as stepping stones.

My friends, our stumbles as we raise our kids and teens don’t call for shame or giving up; they call for compassion and honesty. And by being open about our humanness, we become a trustworthy and relatable guide for them to turn to as they navigate adolescence.

📣 Hear me when I say: Humanness is not a weakness in our relationships; it’s a strength. It’s a point of connection.

-Rachel Macy Stafford, New York Times best-selling author & certified special education teacher

***

🎟️ What I shared above is a tiny glimpse of what I will be presenting at The Everything Parenting Teens & Tweens Virtual Summit.

Breaking down the practice of “Looking After Yourself” is something I wish I could share with every human being I encounter. Thanks to the hard work of Sheryl Gould of @momsoftweensandteens , I get to offer what I’ve learned in this FREE online series that has an incredible lineup of parenting educators.

The event kicks off on October 2nd with succinct & enlightening presentations specifically geared towards parents and caregivers of tweens and teens.

Secure your free ticket by clicking the link in my bio or stories!
I know someone going through a hard time. He’s I know someone going through a hard time.

He’s irritable and difficult to be around. 
That’s grief talking, I remind myself,
And my love expands like an umbrella in a downpour.

I know someone going through a hard time.

She’s moody and dramatic.
That’s teen angst talking, I remind myself,
And my love settles and steadies like a familiar song.

I know someone going through a hard time.

She’s anxious and uptight.
That’s fear talking, I remind myself,
And my love whispers to her like a calming prayer.

I know someone going through a hard time.

He’s grumpy and forgetful.
That’s growing old talking, I remind myself,
And my love supports him like a great oak tree.

I know someone going through a hard time.

He’s defensive and withdrawn.
That’s depression talking, I remind myself. 
And my love breaks through the clouds and warms his face.

It’s not easy to respond when I want to retreat,
To bite my tongue when I want to bite back
To empathize when I want to implode.

But when you’re going through a hard time, you feel shaky— 
like you’re suspended in a place you don’t want to be.

That’s why the steady hand of love is especially helpful during these times.

I know because that was me in March of 2017,
Suspended in darkness.
I was anxious, overreactive, defensive and moody.
But I was never alone.
Thank God, I was never alone. 
Being unalone is what helped me hold on.

So, when I see my loved ones going through a hard time,
I do the one thing I know helps:
I throw my weight behind them.
With feet firmly planted, I reach out my hand.

“We’ll get through this,” I remind them, as I remind myself.

Because it’s easy to forget hard times are temporary and our failings don’t define us.

If we can just hang on to the steady hand of love, we'll find our footing once again.

-Rachel Macy Stafford

✍️ Sometimes my own words come back to help me. Tonight it was page 208 in #livelovenow. With my chipped red polish I painted in honor of my friend Betsy, it’s open to you too.
Thank goodness for friends like Carrie who keep tr Thank goodness for friends like Carrie who keep track of life. She sent me a text this morning that left me (nearly) speechless, the same way Avery did when she coined the term “keeping track of life” at age six.

Avery had been sick, and we were up at all hours of the night. She’d asked me a tough question about how long her grandparents would live. When I fumbled to answer, I miscalculated my mom’s age. Of course, this observant child noticed.

“No, Mama. Grandma is seventy-three, not seventy-four,” she corrected.

And that’s when it happened: The moment I knew the book Hands Free Life must be written.
 
Illuminated by a crack of white light streaming from her bedroom closet, I saw Avery lift her hands in front of her face. Like the wings of a bird about to take flight, she spread her small fingers as far as they could go. This child with sweat fringed hair and flushed cheeks soberly stated, “I’m keeping track of life.”
 
I actually stopped breathing for a moment. 
 
Keeping track of life.
 
It was such a beautiful term that became almost magical given the way Avery extended her two free hands.
 
Suddenly there was a name for what I’d been doing right before my child’s eyes opened…

when I studied her face with the same intensity I would study for a final exam …

when I relinquished control to time and schedule, not thinking ahead to the next moment …

when I released the need to “fix” her pain and allowed myself to simply be there for her …

when I gave up hope for a full night’s sleep …

when I strived to memorize her child-like voice knowing it would deepen and grow.

In that sacred moment, I was keeping track of life—not letting it slip carelessly away only to later realize I accomplished much but lived little.

(p. 12 #HandsFreeLife)

***

📚 I am so grateful for those who purchased this book 8 years ago, which then led publishers to want to publish #onlylovetoday in 2017 and then several subsequent books. The books I write allow me to fulfill my purpose and provide for my family.
Fluffer & Nutter were the 2 Mourning Dove fledglin Fluffer & Nutter were the 2 Mourning Dove fledglings who recently left the nest. The smaller of the two, Nutter, left the nest 2 days after her brother but stayed on the ground near the bushes next to the porch.

Not for one day…
Not for two days…
Not for three days…
Four days… for four days that plump, gray fledging stayed mostly grounded. She enjoyed trotting around the bushes and taking occasional short bursts of flight into the branches of a small pine.

Yes, I was worried… well, actually, I was obsessed.

‘Something is wrong with her.’
‘Why won’t she leave? Have I been too nice?’
‘Maybe I should call the Bird Rescuers.’

But I learned from raising my human “baby birds” that it is a disservice to them to rush in and fix, control, dictate, or push my agenda; my job is the support THEIR process.

So, I spent a lot of time out there with Nutter, the Ground-Happy Bird. She’d let me get so close that I could have picked her up. (Don’t worry, I refrained myself.) Judging by the way she fluffed her feathers, I think she really liked it when I said this:

“You are your own bird, and you are learning to trust your wings. I am not here to compare you to other birds; I am here to COMMEND you for being true to yourself.”

On the fifth morning, to my dismay, she was still in the same area. I decided it was time to call in the Bird Rescuers. But by the time I came back with my phone in hand, Nutter was gone. I must have checked a million times that day and the next and the next. To my delight, she’d decided it was her time to fly!

Watching these baby birds has provided a lot of lessons — but I think Nutter’s might be the most relevant to so many of us right now. If I had to put it into human terms, it would go like this:

“Today I will not push the process. I am becoming. The person I love is becoming. We are becoming.

It may feel like others are passing us by or reaching higher heights, but I am my own person. My loved one is their own person.

We are developing into who we’re meant to become. And such a miraculous process takes time.

Let's keep trusting that our internal navigation system will know when it is time to fly.” RMS 🪺
16 days ago, I got some news that qualifies as a “stressful event,” one that I will be navigating for an undetermined amount of time. This was on top of a professional commitment that required intense energy and sustained focus for two solid weeks.

I remember thinking, “This is the kind of stuff that makes you turn on yourself. Get your supports in place. Talk to your trusted people. Keep up your care routine. You can handle this difficult period without hurting yourself.”

And I did… for ten straight days I responded to stress in healthy and self-compassionate ways.

And then… I stopped. And after two days of unhealthy coping mechanisms & self-sabotage, an alarm sounded.

I drove to the place where I like to walk, but I did not get out of the car. I listened to this song and released everything I was holding through my tears:

“You are enough 
I am enough 
Breathe in the love 
We are enough.” 
-The Many

The song was sent to me one week ago from Lenora Rand, a member of a band called The Many. Lenora explained that we have a mutual friend and that mutual friend thought I would like this song. 

Thank you, mutual friend.

Thank you, The Many.

4 days ago, the bridge of this song served as my personal bridge from despair to hope…

“No matter what you feel right now, 
No matter what you’ve heard, 
Love has the final word.”
 
I’d like to think this song is for me, but I am not naive; I know I am just one of The Many for whom this song was written.

It feels pretty special to get to introduce it to you today.

Please do yourself a favor: Go to a quiet spot and listen on repeat.

Let the chorus sink in and get stuck in your head. 

Maybe in time, you and I will even start to believe the truth of those words.

© Rachel Macy Stafford 2023

‘We Are Enough’ is available on all music streaming platforms (Spotify, Apple Music, iTunes, Pandora, Amazon Music, etc). @themanyarehere
I recently witnessed an argument between two peopl I recently witnessed an argument between two people who love each other.

When one member of the disagreeing party left visibly upset, the person who remained looked at me as if to say, ‘Can you believe that reaction?’

I had a few options. I could try to explain why the other person had such an emotionally charged reaction or I could offer a direct statement. And if the person really wanted to understand and repair this painful disconnect, this truth would be a starting point.

I chose the direct statement:

“People just want to be heard.”

It’s as simple and complex as that.

If you don’t feel heard…

like your feelings are not valid
like your opinion is dumb
like your needs are secondary,
there’s going to be pain in the conversation.

there’s going to be an increase in volume

there’s going to be emotion displayed

Instead of saying to that person, “Geez, calm down!” maybe try saying, “I sense this is really important to you, and I really want to understand what you are saying to me.”

Then listen. You don’t have to agree… that’s not what people are asking. They are simply asking to be respected as an authority of THEIR feelings and THEIR needs.

Once I understood this, a whole world opened up—

a world where I didn’t have to know what was best for someone else…
a world where people I loved could learn to trust themselves…
a world where I gained knowledge and empathy by hearing experiences I hadn’t lived.

This is why I love to hear people’s stories. From my kitchen counter to cab rides to retreat center studios, I covet people’s stories.

Sometimes it’s just giving them a long pause; sometimes it’s giving them the floor.

Every time I do, I witness the healing power of someone knowing their story matters.

People just want to be heard.

RMS💗
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Copyright © 2023 · Hands Free Mama by Blogger Boutique · Header photos by Amy Paulson