Change the Child or Change Your World

noticer 5“You’re only here for a short visit. Don’t hurry, don’t worry. And be sure to smell the flowers along the way.”
–Walter Hagen

I would still be getting sick from sheer exhaustion and sleep deprivation.

I would still be making my way through typed to-do lists and neglecting the most important tasks of life—like living and loving.

I would have missed the mama bird who tucked her nest in the corner of my porch.

I would have been in at least one fender bender (or worse) due my dangerous rushing and multitasking ways.

I would have given up on tangerines because they take too long to peel.

I would have missed a thousand conversations that just come when one sits still and waits for words to come.

But I didn’t miss any of them.

Thanks to her.

noticer 6Embracing my daughter’s Enjoy-the-Journey approach to life didn’t just alter my actions and my behavior, it changed my perspective, transformed my thought-processes, and loosened the tightly wound fiber of my inner being.

Although I am a work in progress, the change in me has been quite remarkable. But there is something even more remarkable about this story. And it became apparent to me when a blog reader asked for an update. She wrote:

“I see it’s been several years since you wrote, “The Day I Stopped Saying ‘Hurry Up’”. Did your daughter’s slow pace and ultra observant nature cause trouble in school? What is she like now? May I have an update? I have a Noticer and knowing how things turned out for your daughter would mean a great deal to me.”

As I began typing my response, unexpected tears fell on my keyboard. With clarity, I realized my transformation was secondary to an even bigger story—a story that could quite possibly bring solace and hope to those wondering if they too could let a loved one just be.

This is our story …

My Noticer received a low mark on her report card in kindergarten for being distracted in large groups. It was also reported that she often became preoccupied by what her desk neighbors were doing or feeling. It was also common for her to be last to turn in work, her teacher noted.

The person who would have been first to nip these issues in the bud, correct this behavior with a stern talk, or worry about such disappointing marks was the first person to be this child’s advocate. Although I was just beginning to free myself from my Life of Overwhelm, I was certain of one thing: The world needed more Noticers, and it would be my blessing to raise one.

For the first time in my life I decided that maybe the way the world wanted my child to be was not the way she should be.

DSC_0143Instead of seeing my child’s pace and ultra observant nature as a negative, I saw it as a positive. Because if my child was relishing the sunshine as she jogged with her P.E. class, that was good. Because if she took time to accurately complete her work, that was good. Because if she ate her lunch slowly and enjoyed every bite of that hummus wrap, that was good.

The naysayers’ voices on the Internet were loud. They said children who stop and smell the roses become a waste of everyone’s time. They said children who are permitted to set the pace become lazy and spoiled. They said children like my daughter will never hold down a job. They could be right, I decided. But the difference between her joy and my joy could not be denied. As a productivity-driven rusher, I spent much of my time frowning, controlling, stressing, and missing out. As a thoughtful traveler, my daughter spent most of her time smiling, delighting, connecting, and thriving. There was something therapeutic about the way she lived, and I desperately needed it. I decided to go against the mainstream and let my child be.

DSC_0147Today my daughter is finishing her second grade year. She is a voracious reader and loves helping children who struggle. She is in the Mastery Club—a program designed by her teacher for students who complete their classwork before others and enjoy self-guided learning projects. My child continues to sing and strum her beloved instrument and recently delighted the crowd with a rendition of “Peace” by O.A.R. at her recital. At swim team conditioning, she can be found in the middle of the pack with a big smile on her face. She picks out her outfits each morning, does her ponytail, and packs her school bag. She’s never missed the bus.

But here’s the news worth celebrating …

My daughter takes time to cuddle, hold doors open for strangers, and play with the cat. She calls her grandparents and finds it perfectly normal to have conversations that last for thirty minutes. When she signs birthday cards, she fills every square inch with vibrant colors and loving words. She stretches before she works out. She says prayers in great detail, never leaving anyone out. She remembers people’s names, asks questions, and listens intently. She freestyles on the guitar like Ed Sheeran and writes silly poetry like Shel Silverstein. She takes photos of me that capture beauty my critical eyes fail to see.

noticer 4Although her report cards no longer say, “distracted dawdler,” she remains a Noticer through and through. In other words, my child has not changed in the way that matters most.

 On Mother’s Day the two of us took a long walk. As I struggled to fall in line with her leisurely pace, I reminded myself who I was with. I reminded myself it was time to listen and learn from the greatest Life Coach I’ve ever known.

About midway through our walk, my daughter said, “When my team runs laps after swim practice, my favorite part comes right after the ‘No Parking’ sign. There’s a crack in the concrete where plants grow. Can you believe that? Plants growing out of concrete! That is my favorite part of the run.”

And as I do multiple times a day, I closed my tearful eyes and thanked God for this child who reminds me to look for the blessings in unexpected places.

noticer 3I can’t help but consider what life would be like if I’d chosen to tell my child that slow was bad. Where would we be? The world would have two less Livers of Life. Our hearts would be less fulfilled. I would not be the author I am today. My life could have very well been cut short. Instead, I am blessed to experience the joys of life that used to elude me. But thanks to my daughter, I don’t miss them anymore.

So to the Noticers of the world and those who are blessed to raise them, I say this:

Thank you for being. You are an anomaly in this fast paced world. And we need you. We desperately need you …

To notice the birds and the bruises beneath the skin …

To notice the change of season and the one being left out …

To notice his name and remember to say it with love …

To notice the ripples on the water and the color of sky after sunset …

To notice the barista who could use a kind word.

Thank you, Noticers, big and small,

You are the thriving blossoms in a concrete world

Reminding us to stop and acknowledge our beating hearts every chance we can.

DSC_0034

**************************************************

Recommended resource:

Family therapist and renowned author Susan Stiffelman believes children can be our greatest teachers. This is precisely what I’ve experienced on my Hands Free journey, but no one has ever explained the how and the why quite the way Susan does in Parenting with Presence. I found myself devouring every powerful insight she offered and immediately began using her suggested strategies to bring more harmony and whole-hearted engagement into every day life. Using Susan’s thought-provoking questions, relatable examples, and practical tools, I felt liberated from mistakes of the past and closer to the parent and person I aim to be.    

In addition to opening us to more of the love, learning, and joy that children can bring into our lives, Parenting with Presence helps parents and kids:

  • Manage stress
  • Discover their passions
  • Have more fun
  • Be more present
  • Improve communication
  • Develop closer connection
  • Silence the critical inner voice
  • Treat oneself and each other with love & compassion

“If you step back and see everything in your life—including child-rearing—as opportunities to learn more about yourself and grow as a person then hardly anyone is as valuable a teacher as your child. Our love for our kids can motivate us to stretch and transform in ways nothing else might.” –Susan Stiffelman

Click here to learn more or order this truly transformative book. I strongly believe it is one of the most worthwhile gifts you can give your family and yourself.

* By popular demand, there are now I CHOOSE LOVE reminder bands in addition to the I CHOOSE LOVE leather bracelets. Thanks to all who requested them! Click here to access the HANDS FREE SHOP. 

 

A List Worth Printing, Posting, Remembering, & Living

DSC_1017“Your eyes, they shine so bright
I wanna save that light.”
-Imagine Dragons

When I began my Hands Free journey almost five years ago, I did it to free myself from the external distractions, internal pressures, and unrealistic societal standards that prevented me from truly living. But there was an unexpected result: As my distracted ways lessened, my loving ways increased—tenfold. For the first time in my life I saw a direct correlation between my undivided presence and my ability to love my people in ways that most nurtured them. When I was in their presence, I studied them. I listened to them. I watched their faces when I used certain words and tones. I noted what words brought sighs of relief … surges of confidence … and glows of acceptance. I vowed to say those words more. I also noted what words brought shame … disconnection … pain … and silence. I vowed to say those words less. Over time, I collected quite a powerful list of words that helped me love my people in ways that helped them thrive. Like sunlight and water to a plant, these words nourished the deepest parts of their human hearts and fostered growth in all areas of their lives. Hence, I called them Soul-Building Words.

Recently a reader of my blog wrote to me about her 19 year old daughter. She was facing great challenges in her schooling and the mother wanted to support her in ways that would lift and strengthen her. The mother asked, “Do you have any words I can say to my daughter?” That is when my mental Soul-Building List became a physical one. When I shared it on The Hands Free Revolution page, many people said they wanted to hang that list on their refrigerator, in their bedroom, in their child’s bedroom, in their classroom, in their office, and even on their foreheads. “Please make this list a printable!” I heard over and over. The word “printable” is definitely the opposite of Soul-Building to me (quite befuddling, actually), but I knew someone who would not cringe at the sight of that word. My multi-talented, soul-building friend Kristin Shaw of Two Cannoli graciously made us that beautiful printable for today’s post.

So here is my list of 20 Soul-Building phrases followed by the printable and two extraordinary resources for knowing and loving your people. My friends, thank you for helping me discover what my Soul-Building Words are. Whenever you say, “Never stop writing,” my heart beats stronger and my life’s purpose becomes a little more solidified.

DSC_0047

Soul-Building Words for the Ones You Love:

When they need to know how much you love them:  

* You make my day better.

* You make my life better.

* I love spending time with you.

* Seeing your face makes me happy.


When they need to know you are ALL there:
 

* I’m listening.

* My time is all yours.

* How can I be a better _____ (parent, friend, spouse) to you?

* Nothing is more important than being with you right now.

 

When they are stressed or frustrated:

* How can I help?

* Take your time. You don’t have to rush.

* I think you are doing a tremendous job.

* Keep going. You got this.

 

When they experience failure:

* Be kind to yourself. You are doing the best you can.

* Mistakes mean you are bravely learning and growing.

* It may not be the outcome you hoped for, but I noticed your effort and it was quite remarkable.

* I believe in you.

 

When they face a challenge:

* I am amazed at how much you are handling right now.

* I am learning a lot from you by watching you do something so challenging.

* This isn’t over—there’s still time to turn this around.

* You are not alone.

free printable:Image*************************************

Recommended resources: 

  • “Journey” is the word I often use to describe my life’s transformation from less distracted to more lovingly connected. Some might even call my experience an “inspired parenting journey”. Little did I know there was a step-by-step guide that has helped many people create the lasting change I’ve experienced on my Hands Free journey until I read Parenting Inspired: Finding Grace in the Chaos, Confidence in yourself, & Gentle Joy Along the Way. As I read the pages of Alice Hanscam’s enlightening book, I felt like I was reading the perfect companion guide to Hands Free Mama. Many of the concepts that Alice illustrates in the book (like focusing on the positive, the power of the pause, and the importance of self care) have been critical to the success of my journey. Alice goes a step further by providing highly relatable examples, sample dialogues, and practical exercises based on her experience as a PCI Parenting Coach. Her in-depth instruction allows readers to implement loving practices into everyday life and reflect on the positive changes that are occurring. After working through this excellent resource, I believe you’ll come away feeling less alone and more hopeful for the calm, connection, and confidence you yearn for in life. 
  • I know many of you follow my blog for encouragement and inspiration to be the best parent you can be. That is why I wanted to share this with you. The amazing 2015 Be the Best Parent You Can Be free online event has drawn together 20+ leading experts, including my colleagues Sandy Blackard, Dr. Laura Markham, Jane Nelsen , Patty Wipfler and more, to share their simple mindful parenting strategies for raising happy, independent and successful children in today’s fast-paced world. If you’d like to see daily video interviews with these experts, chat with them in a private Facebook group, and receive their free gifts, I encourage you to sign up by clicking here

The End of Your Insignificance

first and last 1“It’s what you’ve done with your time, how you’ve chosen to spend your days, and whom you’ve touched this year. That, to me, is the greatest measure of success.” ― R.J. Palacio, Wonder

First to get up.
Last to lie down.

First to believe.
Last to give up.

First to offer what you have.
Last to take what you deserve.

First to look on the bright side.
Last to throw in the towel.

First to defend.
Last to abandon.

First to worry.
Last to relax.

First to believe.
Last to doubt.

First to shield.
Last to endanger.

First to pick up the pieces.
Last to break down.

First to welcome.
Last to exclude.

Some people are first—first to arrive … first to speak up … first to finish.
Some people are last—last to leave … last to know … last to quit.
But there are very special individuals who
Knowingly
Voluntarily
Graciously
Fill the role of First and Last, with accomplishments that are quite remarkable.

Perhaps you know someone like this.
Perhaps you are someone like this.
But you’ve focused too much on the failings in between that you neglected to realize you are a First and Last Constant in someone’s life.

If so, please take the following words to heart. Accept them as your own. Let them soothe those painful days, months, or perhaps even years, of thinking that you are not enough.

Recognizing My Significance: A Personal Tribute

I am first, and I am last.
Suddenly all that messy stuff in between doesn’t matter so much.

I am the beginning, and I am the end.
I am the dawn, and I am the dusk.
I am the first responder, and I am the last survivor.

So today I shall stop focusing so much on the failings in between.
Because there is a human being who doesn’t have to wonder if he’ll wake up alone.
Because there is a human being who doesn’t have to shout to be heard.
Because there is a human being who doesn’t have to walk unaccompanied.
Because there is a human being who doesn’t have to comfort herself.
Because there is human being who doesn’t have to ask for love—it is just given. It is just given.
Because of me.
Because of me.
I am first, and I am last.
And today I realized how truly significant that is—how significant I am—in the life of another human being.

Today marks the end of my insignificance.

I am first, and I am last.

And that is cause for celebration.

celebration 3

***********************************************************

Friends of the Hands Free Revolution, thank you for being a community of Nurturers, Encouragers, Bad Dream Chasers, Second Chance Givers, Hand Holders, and Love Bestowers. You meet me here each week in an effort to live more and love more despite the distractions, pressures, and challenges of life. Sometimes we stumble; sometimes we fall flat on our faces–but we keep showing up. Today let us celebrate the mothering we do. Let us mother ourselves. Let us continue to mother each other. I am grateful for every single one of you and the way you encourage me. You are my writing fuel.

Turning a Moment of Shame Into an Anthem for Life

sidewalk 1“It’s not the long walk home that will change this heart,
But the welcome I receive at the restart.” -Mumford & Sons

* Dedicated to a beautiful gypsy warrior named Beth

I put my earphones in. I pushed ‘play’ on my new favorite band that recently opened for Mat Kearney. I set out to walk toward a little clarity, but it arrived much sooner than expected. Something that had been weighing on my heart all day suddenly became so clear. It was an answer to a question that had become my hourly prayer. With tear-filled eyes, I began typing a text message as fast as my little pointer finger could type.

A man walking his dog approached me from the other direction. I smiled warmly at them and said, “Good evening.” That’s when the man said, “Are you going to look at your phone the whole time you walk?”

All at once, shame washed over me. I was brought back to a painful time in my life when my phone was an extremity … when the ding of electronic notifications pulled me away from loving eyes and tender arms … when I took dangerous risks at stoplights and justified them with flimsy excuses. All at once, I felt like that distracted, overwhelmed woman who once came painfully close to losing everything that mattered most.

I almost kept walking. I almost lowered my face in shame. I almost berated myself. But I am not that person anymore.

And there was something that needed to be said, so I stopped walking.

[Read more…]

Making Your Loudest Voice Calmer & Your Truest Voice Stronger

voiceless 1“Feeling my way through the darkness
Guided by a beating heart
I can’t tell where the journey will end
But I know where to start.” – Avicii

On most Saturdays you can find our family exploring our new city. We moved here ten months ago, but it still feels new and excitingly uncharted. At a downtown museum on a recent Saturday, we watched a four-minute film that my younger daughter called the “moments of happiness” movie. At different points in the video, I noticed each of my daughters peering down the isle to look at me. I knew what they were looking for—they were looking for tears.

Within the first twenty seconds of the film, I felt my eyes well up. Watching ordinary people doing brave things … watching the joyful homecomings of service men and women … watching siblings work together for a common goal … watching families celebrate together and mourn together—these heart-stirring situations caused my tears to flow. I unabashedly let them run down my face.

“It doesn’t take much to make mom cry,” my older daughter said taking my hand as our family exited the theater. I felt my chest tighten wondering where this was going.

“Yeah,” my younger daughter agreed. “Whenever Mom sees someone else cry, she cries too.”

I was so relieved. This is who I am now: The woman who cries with others … the woman who cries with happiness.

It hasn’t always been that way.

There was a time when there were lots of tears—not a quiet cry of despair, but more of an out of control, high-pitched, tearful eruption. There was a two-year period of my life when I was a pressure cooker just waiting to blow. The troubling mantra that repeatedly ran through my mind was: “It’s just too much … it’s all just too much.” A great deal of the “too much” was self imposed—unachievable standards, relentless distractions, and an overabundance of commitments. But at the time, I didn’t realize the choices I was making were causing this constant feeling of overwhelm. I only knew that carrying the weight of too much caused me to scream and cry when I got upset—as if screaming and crying were the only way to be heard.

But that type of communication was always met with a look of shock, fear, and sorrow from the people I loved the most. In fact, when I was screaming and crying, they didn’t hear a word I said.

[Read more…]

The One Question That Can Also Be an Answer

how can i helpLast summer was a difficult period for me. We’d just moved to a new state and left behind friends who were like family. The deadline to submit the first draft of my second book was looming, and I found myself unable to write. During this time of uncertainty and upheaval, my sister Rebecca came to visit. I wanted to be the fun, adventurous host and show her our new city. I planned things for us to do, but when it came down to it, I simply could not hide my despair. One morning, when misplaced fishing nets from the Dollar Store nearly caused a breakdown, Rebecca gently touched my arm. “How can I help?”

My sister was not talking about the fishing nets.

I felt my eyes instantly well with tears, and then I let out a mammoth-sized exhale. Sweet, sweet relief. My sister saw my pain … she saw I was going through something … she wanted to ease my burden. All this—and I never had to say a word. She just knew.

Furthermore, there was something about that question that kept defensiveness, excuses, and the need to explain out of the conversation. How can I help? It was much less intrusive than, “What’s wrong?” It was much more supportive than, “What’s your problem?” With one single question, my sister acknowledged my struggle and offered to lighten my load. All this—and I never had to say a word. It was the kind of help I most needed in that moment.

Rebecca proceeded to throw out specific ways she could help. I did not take her up on the kind offers at that moment, but knowing I had options made me feel more hopeful about my current situation.

From that experience, my list of Soul-Building Words—words that lift … help … and heal—grew by one. Little did I know how that question—how can I help?—would become an answer for my child this spring. [Read more…]

A State Where You Can Thrive & Your People Can Breathe

detourWhen I was young, my family would take long car trips in the summertime. It was always a big deal when we’d cross state lines. Everyone in the car would look up from whatever they were doing to pass the time and celebrate our progress. Going from one territory to another was exciting, but there was nothing like crossing into my home state at the end of the trip. Knowing I’d be sleeping in my own bed made me feel giddy with delight. When my dad pulled the car into the garage, my foul mood suddenly lifted. The familiar smell of home filled my senses and made me forget how much my sister annoyed me the previous nine hours. I’d jump out of the car, eager to move my stiff ligaments and see my beloved orange cat.

Although I seldom take long car trips now, my Hands Free journey to live better and love more causes me to think about state lines every single day. These lines are not physical territories, but rather emotional boundary lines—and I’ve discovered they are critical for a peaceful, loving, joy-filled existence.

Let me explain …

With adult decisions, daily responsibilities, kid mishaps, constant pressures, and blatant distractions, it’s quite easy to cross over fragile state lines:

From a state of calm … to a state of impatience

From a state of caring … to a state of apathy

From a state of presence … to a state of distraction

From a state of hope … to a state of despair

From a state of joy … to a state of infuriation

You could have the best intentions in the world to be calm, present, and joyful and sometimes all it takes is just one incident to push you over the line. One sibling squabble … one added work assignment … one painful rejection … one burnt dinner … one dog-chewed retainer … or one call from the school and before you know it, you’ve crossed over into dangerous territory and find yourself in that place you never wanted to be (again).

I know. I remember.

[Read more…]

The Life of the Party is Closer than You Think

the world needs more open arms1
“She is like a sun,
Shining over me
She makes the good things better,
Better than I ever dreamed.”
-Green River Ordinance

The other night, my friend and brilliant writer Alexandra Rosas shared a glimpse into her life. With short, non-descriptive sentences, it wasn’t intended to be profound. With text structure unpolished and informal, it wasn’t meant to evoke an emotional response like the well-crafted essays she writes. But yet her words brought me to my knees. I read them three times and then I cried. This is what Alexandra shared:

I fell asleep on the couch at 7 last night. Woke up two hours later at 9, looked around, everyone gone. I popped in to check on littlest, found him in bed reading. “Where is everyone, honey?” He looked up and answered, “We all went to bed, Mom, because you’re the party.”

That’s it, I thought to myself. This woman has achieved life’s highest honor. She is the party. She is the heartbeat. She is the reason for gathering. She is the celebration. If there is a more important role in life, I do not know what it is.

For days, I thought about that ultimate compliment spoken by a little boy about his mother. In fact, I became a little obsessed with it. Could I be the party? The question frequently popped into my mind in the following days …

[Read more…]

Before You Predict a Child’s Future, Try This Instead

chalk“Love… What is love? Love is to love someone for who they are, who they were, and who they will be.”
–Chris Moore

To the person who said my child would set a world record for longest period of time any human has gone without brushing the back of her head …

To the person who said she’d get her driver’s permit before she learned to ride a bike …

To the person who said she’d always move at a snail’s pace …

You were wrong.

 

To the person who said my child would never enjoy running unless it was to the ice cream truck …

To the person who said it would take a miracle to get her to dive off the starting blocks …

To the person who said she’d be sucking her thumb during the SAT test …

You should see her now.

 

To the person who said she’d always be a bit of a loner …

To the person who said she would probably get married in stretchy pants …

To the person who said she would live happily ever after among clutter, knick-knacks, stuffed animals, and snack wrappers …

I’d like to give you a piece of my mind.

But then I’d have to give myself a piece of my mind. Because it was me. I was the one with these future-diminishing thoughts about my child. I was the one who had her pegged from an early age, as if I had a crystal ball that predicted her destiny. Good thing I never said these things out loud … or so I thought. At a recent swim meet, I learned that my thoughts had the power to influence, and it wasn’t necessarily for good.

[Read more…]

The One Thing We All Want to Know

all want to know 1“I do not ask the wounded person how he feels, I myself become the wounded person.”

- Walt Whitman

I recently attended an informational meeting for fifth grade parents at the middle school my daughter will be attending this fall. After swallowing the lump in my throat caused by the undeniable reality of why I was sitting there, I settled in to absorb everything the staff had to offer about parenting a middle schooler. But within the first five minutes of the presentation, I got stuck. It was something the assistant principal said.

“You might think opening their locker or having seven teachers is the greatest worry for sixth graders on that first day of school—but it’s not. In general, their biggest source of angst is knowing how they’re getting home.”

The administrator proceeded to explain where bus routes could be accessed during the summer months, but I was only half listening. All I could think about was this:

They just want to know how they’re getting home.

My mind returned to one particularly trying day in my own middle school career. I’d forgone the city bus and made a long walk home, crying all the way. I’d gotten my first C, and I was devastated. When I got to the door, my grandma opened it. I’d forgotten she was spending the week with us. I quickly wiped my snotty face and forced a smile, but Grandma couldn’t be fooled.

“Rachel, what’s wrong?” she exclaimed. Despite the prominent wrinkles on my grandma’s heart-shaped face, I saw worry lines appear between her eyes.

“I got a C on my math test, Grandma,” I confessed between sobs.

Grandma immediately pulled me to her chest. Her shaky hands smoothed my hair lovingly. And then she said the words I needed to hear. “Rachel, no one is going to be mad at you. Your mama and daddy love you, no matter what.” And then she looked directly into my red, puffy face and said, “I love you.”

They just want to know how they’re getting home, the school administrator had said.

And I would add:

They just want to know there will be a welcoming smile and two open arms waiting for them, no matter what they’ve done, no matter what kind of day they’ve had.

[Read more…]